DEAR ABBY: "Ralph" and I have been married two years. Two nights ago we had an argument, and he got mad and left. He was gone three hours. When he returned he screamed at me for what seemed like an hour. Finally, he went to bed.

I looked through his phone and found several text messages to his ex-wife. One said he still loves her. So I went through his e-mail and found more correspondence. When I woke Ralph up and confronted him, the first thing out of his mouth was her name.

They have an 18-year-old daughter and have been divorced for 13 years. To top it off, she's married and pregnant.

Ralph swears he doesn't know why he was texting her, that he doesn't love her and that the e-mails were about a job.

Abby, I thought we had a happy marriage. I'm crushed, and my whole world is falling apart. My husband obviously has feelings for his first wife (I'm No. 3) and is thinking about her. He swears over and over that I'm the love of his life, and he will spend the rest of his life proving it to me. Is it time to throw in the towel? -- HEARTBROKEN IN MONTANA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: If you hadn't already smelled a rat, you wouldn't have checked his cell phone history and computer. The text messages you discovered are explicit proof that your husband isn't being honest with you.

For many wives this would be the time to cut their losses. But if you love him and are willing to risk giving him one more chance, the two of you need to consult a licensed marriage and family therapist. You have little to lose by giving it a try, and it's possible that your husband really is contrite -- but keep your eyes wide open.

DEAR ABBY: I am a non-drinker. I don't like the taste of alcohol, and I prefer to remain sober.

Why is such a big deal made about alcohol and who's drinking? I attended a friend's birthday luncheon, and she apologized to the group for NOT drinking, saying she'd had enough partying the night before. Another time I went to a bar with a boyfriend to see a band perform. His friends -- all of them "buzzed," by the way -- asked me repeatedly why I wasn't drinking. This isn't the only time my choice to abstain has been questioned and scrutinized.

To me it makes no difference whether it's vodka or water in a glass. In a restaurant that served meat, you wouldn't question the food choices of a vegetarian, would you? Drinkers should mind their own (beverage) business. Their concern ought only to be whether I am social, not whether I'm imbibing or not. Thanks, Abby, for letting me vent. -- SOBER IN SCOTTSDALE

DEAR SOBER: When a non-drinker turns down alcohol, I suspect it makes the drinkers either curious or slightly uncomfortable because they imagine, in their "relaxed" state, that they are being examined -- and possibly judged -- by someone who is stone cold sober. As to the birthday girl who felt she had to offer an apology or explanation for not drinking, she may have done it out of concern that turning down the alcohol might make the guests feel less inclined to order it themselves.

Readers, there's usually a good reason why a person doesn't drink. It can range from being on a medication where it's contraindicated, a problem metabolizing it or an addiction. So don't question non-drinkers about their choice, and don't push the person to have "just one." You've heard of BYOB? Well, MYOB.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have decided to take our son out of the day care where he has been for the past six months. It's a small center, run by a woman, "Joni," who serves as director and lead teacher. She started the service two years ago and manages a staff of about 12.

Joni is the reason we are leaving. She seems incredibly stressed out all the time. She is curt with us when we talk and has been too harried to discuss our concerns over our boy's care. She appears to be more preoccupied with finances than the quality of care she is providing. One of our favorite teachers just quit, and she confided that it was because of the difficulty she had working with Joni.

Because we told Joni we are going, she has requested an "exit interview" to discuss what didn't work for us. I am hesitant about it. If we let her know the impact her stress is having on the quality of service she provides, she might be able to hire an administrator and make improvements. On the other hand, she may take offense.

Our community is small, so we will see her around, and because there are few child care centers, we may need to go back to this one someday. Should we be frank with her or let it go? -- MIDWEST MOM

DEAR MIDWEST MOM: Have the meeting with her. Be kind, calm and nonconfrontational, and do not tell her how to run her business. Explain that you are seeking other options for your son because she has been preoccupied and seems not to have enough time to address your parental concerns. Say you understand how complicated it is running a business even in the best of times, but as much as you like her, your first responsibility must be to your child. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in my 60s who lives alone. One of my greatest fears is developing dementia. Because there is no one living with me, there would be no one around to notice changes in my behavior.

I am still able to balance my checkbook, do my grocery shopping, drive myself to the dentist's office, etc. If I ever need assisted living, how would I recognize the fact so I could make other arrangements before requiring someone else to make them for me? -- GROWING OLDER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR GROWING OLDER: Most single women have friends with whom they interact on a regular basis. If you didn't recognize the signs that you were slipping, one or more of your friends probably would.

With our population living longer, concerns about age-related dementia are growing. Because this is one of your concerns, discuss it with your physician and request to be evaluated for signs of dementia during your annual physicals.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college student with a gender-neutral name. I often need to exchange e-mails with people who have never met me, and I am frequently assumed to be male when I am, in fact, female.

Is there a polite way to correct this in my return e-mails? Or should I not let people know they have made a mistake until they meet me in person? -- Z.W., CAMBRIDGE, MASS.

DEAR Z.W.: A sure way to let people know they have made an incorrect assumption would be to sign your return e-mail "Ms. Z.W."

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hugh," is wonderful in every way except one. He is extremely controlling when it comes to money, particularly on what we spend on gifts for my grown children and our baby grandson.

Not only does Hugh set the dollar limit for birthday and Christmas gifts, but he insists on deciding WHAT we give them. An example: My grandson's first birthday is coming up. Hugh told me we're buying the child a $100 savings bond and will continue to do it every year.

This is certainly not a "fun" gift! I had planned on spending between $100 and $150 on toys and clothes for him -- tangible gifts for him to open. I'm not arguing the fact that Hugh's suggestion is sensible and the boy may appreciate it someday, but it's just not exciting.

Hugh and I make $140,000 a year between us. I work full time, so I think I should be able to do what I want, within reason. What do you think? -- WHERE'S THE FUN IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR WHERE'S THE FUN: For a child's first few birthdays, most little ones are far more interested in getting their hands into the cake and frosting than opening "exciting" gifts. Until your grandson is a little older, a few small, inexpensive toys in colorful paper he can rip open should be sufficient. While it may be galling to be "told" by your husband what you can or cannot give to your offspring, in this case, I think you should listen to your pennywise husband.

DEAR ABBY: Please print this "act of kindness" letter so the person who helped me can get the proper thanks he deserves.

My boyfriend and I went out to a movie. As we got out of my car, I noticed that one of my tires was almost flat. He decided to go ahead and buy the tickets while I drove to a nearby gas station to put air in the tire. By the time I got back to the parking lot, the tire was completely flat, and it had begun to drizzle.

I called my boyfriend on his cell, only to have him tell me he had already bought the tickets, and he knew nothing about changing a tire. He said he'd wait inside the theater and for me to "hurry up." I stood there in shock.

I knew nothing about changing a tire, either. A man jogging by with his family on their way to dinner saw my distress, and sent his family ahead to get a table and dry off while he stopped to help me.

By then it was pouring rain, so my thank you to him was brief. He wouldn't accept anything for helping me and ran to join his family. I never got his name and have regretted it ever since.

When I entered the theater my boyfriend chewed me out for making him miss the first part of the show! All I could think of during the movie was how lucky that Good Samaritan's wife was to have such a kind husband, and how silly I was to still be sitting there with my jerk of a boyfriend.

The gentleman who helped me that evening changed more than my tire. He changed my life because he made me realize the kind of people I want to surround myself with -- people with the compassion to help a stranger, even if it means doing it in the pouring rain. -- THANKFUL IN LINCOLN, ILL.

DEAR THANKFUL: I, too, hope the kind-hearted man who stopped to help sees your letter because he is both selfless and generous. And I'm pleased you learned the important life lesson his good deed taught you. For your boyfriend to have left you standing alone in the rain while he waited inside the theater was not only selfish and inconsiderate, but also dangerous.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)