DEAR ABBY: My daughter, age 15, was just diagnosed with the herpes virus, and she is devastated by the news. I had cautioned her to wait until she was older to become sexually active because I understand that decisions made in haste cannot be unmade, and some -- as in this case -- carry lifelong consequences. I also know that many, if not all, teenage girls do not cope very well with all the baggage that goes along with having sex.

At the time we had that discussion my daughter brushed me off. She said I couldn't look at the situation clearly because my feelings were influenced by my own mistakes and regrets. Now she sees that I knew what I was talking about.

Besides having to deal with a lifelong contagious disease and the possibility of infecting someone else, she has to deal with her irresponsible boyfriend who is threatening to tell people that they are infected and it's all her fault.

Please tell me what I can do to protect my daughter from further harm. And please caution other teens about the risks of unprotected sex while letting them know that moms and dads really DO know what is best for them. -- DEVASTATED MOM IN OHIO

DEAR MOM: It isn't enough to tell young men and women to wait until they are older to have sex. In addition to that message they need to know how to protect themselves against an unplanned pregnancy, about the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD) and how to prevent it if they do become sexually active, and how to recognize the symptoms if they do get one so it can be promptly treated.

The rate of STDs in teens today is very high. It is estimated that one in four young women in the U.S. ages 14 to 19 is infected with at least one common STD including herpes, HPV, chlamydia and trich (trichomoniasis).

Most STDs often have no symptoms -- until there are more serious complications. Left untreated, some can make it difficult to conceive in adulthood.

Teens who are sexually active should have an STD checkup at least once a year. And any teen who thinks she -- or he -- might have an STD or learns that a sex partner has one should go and get tested right away.

Because there have been financial cutbacks in education, comprehensive sex education classes are being -- and have been -- eliminated. I publish a booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know," that is frank, informative and answers many of the questions teens ask about drugs, alcohol and sex. Many parents find conversations about sex difficult to start, and my booklet has helped many parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents start the discussion.

It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

You asked me how to protect your daughter now that her boyfriend is threatening to say this is all her fault. Much as you might wish to, you can't muzzle the young man. You can have a chat with his parents and let them impress upon their son how unwise that kind of slander would be for both of them. And that's what I'm advising you to do.

DEAR ABBY: During college I had a great friend, "Julia." We were roommates and had several classes together. When I became engaged, Julia was my obvious pick for maid of honor. She did a very nice job, and I will be forever grateful.

After college, Julia met "Dirk." This man is a spoiled child who has kept Julia away from me and her other friends. Dirk controls their social calendar and is generally a jerk who complains if he doesn't get his way. Since meeting him, Julia has become distant and her warm personality has changed.

Julia and Dirk are being married, and I am Julia's matron of honor. I accepted because I felt forced to reciprocate and because Julia has alienated herself from all of her other friends. I feel awful for not being excited about my former close friend's wedding, but this isn't the girl I knew in college. She doesn't communicate with me often and is currently no longer on speaking terms with one particular bridesmaid.

Abby, how should I act at a wedding I don't agree with, celebrating a fair-weather friend and her jerk fiance? -- DREADING IT IN N.Y.

DEAR DREADING IT: Has it occurred to you that Julia's personality has changed because she's involved with a control freak who has cut her off from everyone but you? You are calling her a fair-weather friend, but what kind of friend are you?

If you care at all about her, have a frank talk with her NOW. Tell her you are concerned because she has become isolated from all her friends and has distanced herself from you to such a degree that you're no longer comfortable participating in her wedding. It would be better than plastering on a smile and taking part in something you think is a charade.

As for reciprocity -- you can stand up for her at her next wedding, because if her fiance is the jerk you describe him to be, this marriage won't last.

DEAR ABBY: How does one share the news of an impending divorce with friends and family? Due to our financial circumstances and the particularly amicable nature of our breakup, my husband and I still live together and we will probably continue this arrangement for a while, so there aren't a lot of obvious indicators.

I hate the thought of the news being passed through the local grapevine as nasty -- and potentially untrue -- gossip. How do other folks manage it? -- SOON-TO-BE DIVORCEE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR SOON-TO-BE DIVORCEE: Here's how: by presenting a united front. The first people to hear the news should be your parents. Then inform other family members and friends. The message you need to convey is: "The two of us have agreed to end our marriage. While this may come as a surprise to all of you, our decision is mutual. While we care for each other and intend to remain friends, we no longer want to be husband and wife. If you love us as we know you do, please do not ask for further details because we both would rather not discuss it at this time."

If anyone should be insensitive enough to question you further, your response should be unanimous: "We'd rather not talk about it."

DEAR ABBY: I would like to make my father's final years of life happy ones. The problem is, Dad is a bigot. He is loud, opinionated and verbally abusive to and about people. Visiting him is stressful because I know the conversation will, at some point, turn to how terrible a certain person, country or political persuasion is. He is ill-informed yet convinced he is right.

My father is also not willing to forgive anyone who has hurt him. He thrives on anger and hate. It saddens me that his last years are so rooted in unhappiness and negativity. I don't know how to create lasting, loving memories -- for both Dad and me. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- OUT OF IDEAS IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: Your impulse is noble, and I respect you for it. But your father didn't suddenly become the way he is. What you have described are the patterns of a lifetime.

You might have better luck if you limit your time with him, and when you visit and he goes off on a tangent, smile and say, "Dad, we get to spend so little time together -- let's talk about happy things." If that doesn't improve this situation, you might be able to retrain him by saying, "Dad, if you're going to go on like this, then I can't stay."

But please accept the fact that you are not going to change your father. Change has to come from within.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has recently become bulimic, and it is having an impact on our family. I have looked into treatment centers where patients can go for two to six weeks and receive constant care and help, but they are very expensive. Where can someone go to get help that does not cost an arm and a leg? -- NEEDS HELP FAST IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEEDS HELP FAST: The first thing you must do is see that your wife is examined by her medical doctor to determine whether the bulimia has harmed her body. Then she needs to be evaluated by someone who treats bulimia to find out how serious her problem is. Inpatient treatment is expensive, but your wife's condition may not be so serious that it is warranted.

A daytime program in which she could return home at night might work for her, and it is less expensive. Another possibility would be ongoing therapy once or twice a week, which is even less costly. Some programs charge on a sliding scale.

Public agencies such as the Department of Social Services or Mental Health Services may have therapists who are qualified to treat bulimia at reduced rates. Or depending upon your family's financial situation, she might qualify for treatment under Medicaid.

An organization that may be able to guide you is the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders Inc. (ANAD). While ANAD does not offer treatment, it does provide information about self-help groups, therapy and referrals to professionals. For more information, visit its Web site at � HYPERLINK "http://www.anad.org" ��www.anad.org� or call (847) 831-3438.

DEAR ABBY: I am a budding photographer and have recently framed and hung a montage of some scenic photos I took on my bathroom wall. The problem is, my husband says that photographs do not belong in the bathroom. What do you think? -- DEFLATED EGO

DEAR DEFLATED: Actually, your husband may have a point. The steam and dampness could damage your prints. So ask him where he thinks a more appropriate place to display them might be, and see if anything "clicks" so you can reach a compromise.