DEAR ABBY: During college I had a great friend, "Julia." We were roommates and had several classes together. When I became engaged, Julia was my obvious pick for maid of honor. She did a very nice job, and I will be forever grateful.

After college, Julia met "Dirk." This man is a spoiled child who has kept Julia away from me and her other friends. Dirk controls their social calendar and is generally a jerk who complains if he doesn't get his way. Since meeting him, Julia has become distant and her warm personality has changed.

Julia and Dirk are being married, and I am Julia's matron of honor. I accepted because I felt forced to reciprocate and because Julia has alienated herself from all of her other friends. I feel awful for not being excited about my former close friend's wedding, but this isn't the girl I knew in college. She doesn't communicate with me often and is currently no longer on speaking terms with one particular bridesmaid.

Abby, how should I act at a wedding I don't agree with, celebrating a fair-weather friend and her jerk fiance? -- DREADING IT IN N.Y.

DEAR DREADING IT: Has it occurred to you that Julia's personality has changed because she's involved with a control freak who has cut her off from everyone but you? You are calling her a fair-weather friend, but what kind of friend are you?

If you care at all about her, have a frank talk with her NOW. Tell her you are concerned because she has become isolated from all her friends and has distanced herself from you to such a degree that you're no longer comfortable participating in her wedding. It would be better than plastering on a smile and taking part in something you think is a charade.

As for reciprocity -- you can stand up for her at her next wedding, because if her fiance is the jerk you describe him to be, this marriage won't last.

DEAR ABBY: How does one share the news of an impending divorce with friends and family? Due to our financial circumstances and the particularly amicable nature of our breakup, my husband and I still live together and we will probably continue this arrangement for a while, so there aren't a lot of obvious indicators.

I hate the thought of the news being passed through the local grapevine as nasty -- and potentially untrue -- gossip. How do other folks manage it? -- SOON-TO-BE DIVORCEE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR SOON-TO-BE DIVORCEE: Here's how: by presenting a united front. The first people to hear the news should be your parents. Then inform other family members and friends. The message you need to convey is: "The two of us have agreed to end our marriage. While this may come as a surprise to all of you, our decision is mutual. While we care for each other and intend to remain friends, we no longer want to be husband and wife. If you love us as we know you do, please do not ask for further details because we both would rather not discuss it at this time."

If anyone should be insensitive enough to question you further, your response should be unanimous: "We'd rather not talk about it."

DEAR ABBY: I would like to make my father's final years of life happy ones. The problem is, Dad is a bigot. He is loud, opinionated and verbally abusive to and about people. Visiting him is stressful because I know the conversation will, at some point, turn to how terrible a certain person, country or political persuasion is. He is ill-informed yet convinced he is right.

My father is also not willing to forgive anyone who has hurt him. He thrives on anger and hate. It saddens me that his last years are so rooted in unhappiness and negativity. I don't know how to create lasting, loving memories -- for both Dad and me. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- OUT OF IDEAS IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: Your impulse is noble, and I respect you for it. But your father didn't suddenly become the way he is. What you have described are the patterns of a lifetime.

You might have better luck if you limit your time with him, and when you visit and he goes off on a tangent, smile and say, "Dad, we get to spend so little time together -- let's talk about happy things." If that doesn't improve this situation, you might be able to retrain him by saying, "Dad, if you're going to go on like this, then I can't stay."

But please accept the fact that you are not going to change your father. Change has to come from within.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has recently become bulimic, and it is having an impact on our family. I have looked into treatment centers where patients can go for two to six weeks and receive constant care and help, but they are very expensive. Where can someone go to get help that does not cost an arm and a leg? -- NEEDS HELP FAST IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEEDS HELP FAST: The first thing you must do is see that your wife is examined by her medical doctor to determine whether the bulimia has harmed her body. Then she needs to be evaluated by someone who treats bulimia to find out how serious her problem is. Inpatient treatment is expensive, but your wife's condition may not be so serious that it is warranted.

A daytime program in which she could return home at night might work for her, and it is less expensive. Another possibility would be ongoing therapy once or twice a week, which is even less costly. Some programs charge on a sliding scale.

Public agencies such as the Department of Social Services or Mental Health Services may have therapists who are qualified to treat bulimia at reduced rates. Or depending upon your family's financial situation, she might qualify for treatment under Medicaid.

An organization that may be able to guide you is the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders Inc. (ANAD). While ANAD does not offer treatment, it does provide information about self-help groups, therapy and referrals to professionals. For more information, visit its Web site at � HYPERLINK "http://www.anad.org" ��www.anad.org� or call (847) 831-3438.

DEAR ABBY: I am a budding photographer and have recently framed and hung a montage of some scenic photos I took on my bathroom wall. The problem is, my husband says that photographs do not belong in the bathroom. What do you think? -- DEFLATED EGO

DEAR DEFLATED: Actually, your husband may have a point. The steam and dampness could damage your prints. So ask him where he thinks a more appropriate place to display them might be, and see if anything "clicks" so you can reach a compromise.

DEAR ABBY: I began dating "John," a few months ago. We are in our 60s and went to the same high school.

John is a good and decent man. He says he is in love with me and wants to marry me. There's just one problem: John can't read. He has never admitted it, but several things have happened that indicate it.

I don't want to hurt him, but this has turned into a big problem for me. I just cannot believe that this could have continued for such a long time. I have a master's degree. I'm not hung up on degrees, but I at least expected to be with someone who was literate. Can you advise me? -- J.J. IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR J.J.: Considering how well John has been able to manage all these years without having learned to read, it shouldn't come as any surprise to you that many illiterate people develop clever coping skills to hide their problem. There is help for your friend -- if he is willing to admit he needs it. John may be dyslexic or have another learning disability. But there are special classes for adults in his situation. Many libraries offer literacy classes for adults.

Granted, there are disadvantages to not knowing how to read, chief among them that it prevents someone from enjoying my column. But what you must decide is whether you can love a man who is obviously street smart rather than formally educated. It doesn't have to be a cause for rejection unless you choose to make it one.

DEAR ABBY: After 32 mostly wonderful years of marriage, I lost my husband. "Arthur" had been having serious health problems for the last three years. He couldn't work and was unhappy and needy.

My first reaction after his death was, "I'm free! I can do what I want." (I had never realized I felt this way.)

Clearing out my husband's stuff and the junk he kept was exhilarating. I feel good because my house is orderly. I know of no one who has ever had this reaction. Why do I feel guilty? How can I heal? Losing a mate should be devastating. A clean house should be unimportant. -- ALONE BUT HAPPY IN CANADA

DEAR ALONE BUT HAPPY: You'll start healing as soon as you quit flogging yourself for not feeling awful. Caring for an unhappy, needy and ailing spouse for three years is physically exhausting and emotionally draining. And while many widows and widowers would not broadcast these sentiments, your feelings are not unusual. You did everything you could for your husband during his illness, and his death freed you of those demands. So enjoy your house, enjoy your life and stop blaming yourself for having a sense of relief. In time you may experience a sense of loss, but not necessarily.

DEAR ABBY: I have caller I.D. on my telephone. A friend jumped on me the other day because he knows that I knew who was calling, and I still answered, "Hello?" rather than saying, "Hi, Steve." Did I do something rude? And what is the proper greeting? -- CRITICIZED IN CONCORD, CALIF.

DEAR CRITICIZED: Hello? Your friend Steve must have been having a bad day and took it out on you because either greeting is acceptable -- and the way you answered your phone is the way it is traditionally done. You were most definitely not rude.