DEAR ABBY: You got it all wrong with "Dismayed in Roswell, Ga." (April 8), who complained that his daughter's fiance didn't ask his blessing before proposing. I'm the mother of two high-school-age daughters, and it would signal a rupture in our relationship if my husband and I were not included in the process.

You made it sound like this self-supporting daughter has no obligation to help her father and fiance begin their own relationship as in-laws. This is a perfect time for this "grown" young woman to establish a mutually respectful adult/parent connection. Advising Dad that the "gesture was unwelcome" is advising him to swallow all efforts to communicate and connect with his daughter and her fiance, when he clearly wants to be included.

I'm also unimpressed with a young man who would make no effort to ingratiate himself to his future children's grandfather. Marriages in our society are struggling to survive precisely because young people like those place no importance on building a support system. We need our parents and others to help us through the tough challenges. As a divorced father, "Dismayed" deserves every opportunity before the wedding to help his daughter get it right the first time. -- JAN IN ST. PAUL

DEAR JAN: Your opinion was shared by some -- but certainly not all -- of those who wrote to comment. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The custom of asking a father for permission to marry his daughter is outdated and for good reason. It's not so much a gesture of respect as a symbolic gesture that indicates the woman is a piece of property being "purchased" from the previous owner (the father) by a prospective new owner (husband-to-be).

The daughter in that letter, "Amanda," is one of many women today who regard the practice as disrespectful to women, not respectful to loving fathers. Dad's comment about "who wears the pants" in the family shows he feels Amanda should be unequal and subservient to her new "owner." She wants no part of this custom, not because her fiance "doesn't pass muster," but because she lucked out and found a man who, unlike her dad, views her as an equal in their relationship and, therefore, is as offended as she is by this outdated practice. -- OUTRAGED IN BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: "Dismayed" said that his 24-year-old daughter was "out on her own, leading a productive life." Why should he feel that her hand was his to give?

When I became engaged after living independently for a number of years, I made it clear to my fiance that I would be insulted if he asked my father for permission to marry me. Saying that it's a sign of respect to Dad is missing the point that treating a woman as a free and independent person is a sign of respect to HER. -- DIANE IN OAKDALE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Men should ask the fathers of their brides-to-be for permission! It gives the dads the opportunity to really talk to the men about their intentions and goals. I am 23 and many of my friends are getting married. Each of their fiances has asked their father. And I would not accept a ring unless my beloved had asked mine. -- MEAGHAN IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old married woman who, unfortunately, has an overprotective mother. Mom was always clingy. When I was young I was rarely allowed to go anywhere without her, including visits to nearby homes of friends or family. She always had to come along, too.

Now, Mom is insisting I call her every night "so she can hear the sound of my voice" and I can let her know I'm all right. It's driving me insane. We live in the same town. If I go over to visit, she expects me to call her the minute I get home so she knows I'm OK. I finally put my foot down on that one. But still she pouts.

Mom is 70. If I tell her I won't call, she lays a guilt trip on me. The nightly phone conversation is always the same, and it has become a chore. I don't enjoy it, and needless to say, my husband isn't thrilled with it either.

I know of no one my age who calls her mother every night. Talking once a week to catch up on things would be better -- we could have an enjoyable conversation. How can I stop this without feeling horrible? Am I wrong? -- CONFLICTED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR CONFLICTED: I feel sorry for your mother. She apparently has no other life, no other interests beyond you. You have my sympathy, too, but at her age, it is unrealistic to expect her to change a pattern that was set 35 years ago.

I don't know how involved these nightly conversations with her are, but I recommend you make them very short. "Hi, Mom -- I'm home. Goodbye!" Alternatively, you could agree upon a signal such as one ring of the phone so she'll know you are safe. Even then, she probably won't be satisfied, so be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: I recently spent a few days with my 64-year-old brother, "Austen." His wife divorced him several years ago, and his latest girlfriend recently broke up with him. I suspect I know why. He has turned into a crashing bore.

My brother used to be interested in the people around him, but now it seems like he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He spends hours on end telling me -- and anyone else who will listen -- about the minutiae of his daily life. He talks about his chores, his plans for future chores and the shows he listens to on the radio.

He never once asked about me or the rest of the family, about our interests or activities unless it was a setup so he could deliver another monologue about something.

Austen wants to start dating again. Would I be doing him a favor by saying something about his self-centeredness? Or would I be hurting his feelings? I miss the way my brother used to be. -- SILENT SISTER IN ARIZONA

DEAR SILENT SISTER: When did this personality change in your brother occur? Was it sudden, or has it been coming on for a long time? He may be depressed over the failure of his marriage and his latest romance. Or there may be an underlying physical cause.

As a loving sister, suggest that your brother have a checkup with his doctor if it has been some time since he's had one. If he wants to know why, it would not be out of line to tell him that when you visited him it seemed that his horizons are no longer as broad as they used to be, and you are worried that he may be depressed. But do not tell him you think he has turned into a self-centered bore because it would be both unkind and unhelpful.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl and I have always had a fear of heights. But my mother and sister love thrill rides. As a result, we often go to theme parks. When we do, I'll usually go on a couple of the "kiddie rides," which is what Mom calls "mild" rides. Mom and my sister try to drag me on the roller coasters, but I always say no.

After I refuse a few times, Mom will finally snap. The last time it happened she said: "You know what? I'm not paying for your ticket if you're going to wimp out and not go on any rides."

I have been driven to tears more than once. She won't stop even if my friends are with us. I wish I could stay home when they go, but then my mom accuses me of being "antisocial."

Please tell me what I can do or say to her to make her stop doing this. -- TIRED TEEN IN COLTON, N.Y.

DEAR TIRED TEEN: Your mother may think that your refusal to go on the roller coaster (etc.) is a bid for attention, but she is wrong. She isn't taking into consideration how severe a fear of heights can be -- some people require professional intervention to overcome it, and it costs a heck of a lot more than a ticket to a theme park. Because you can't seem to get through to her, appeal to one of her friends or a close relative to help you get the message across. Believe me, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: In December, right before Christmas, my daughter and I went shopping. We visited several stores in a strip mall in the small town where we live. After returning to my vehicle, I left the wheelchair I use for long distances at the back for my daughter to load.

We were getting ready to leave town. I hurried home, wrapped the gifts I had bought, then rushed out again to deliver them in the next town. When we reached our next stop, I realized I had left my wallet in the pocket of my wheelchair. When I asked my daughter to retrieve it, she looked at me and said, "You took the wheelchair out?" That was when we realized she had forgotten to load it.

I started calling the stores to ask if anyone had turned in a wallet and wheelchair. The answer was no. When I decided to call the sheriff's department and ask if anyone had turned the items in, the dispatcher began asking me all kinds of questions about my whereabouts and safety. Abby, they thought I had been kidnapped! I felt terrible for upsetting everyone.

I would like to thank the good Samaritan who turned in my wheelchair and my wallet, intact, with nothing missing. The items in it could have been replaced, but there is no way I could have replaced the wheelchair because it was expensive.

I would also like to thank the sheriff's department, which had a deputy at the door before I was off the phone with the dispatcher, for their quick response. -- GINGER IN LIVE OAK, FLA.

DEAR GINGER: I'm pleased to publish your testimonial to the fact that there are honest, caring people in this world. Of course, it's no surprise, but we seem to hear an awful lot more about sociopaths and psychopaths than we do the good people who make up the vast majority. And hats off to your sheriff's department, who handled the situation with proficiency, humanity and professionalism.

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