DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Paul," and I have been dating for four years. He has recently started talking about purchasing an engagement ring for me. Paul is well-off, although very frugal, which is how he accumulated most of his wealth.

Paul has been searching online sites for a used ring. He says he "doesn't want to waste his money on a new engagement ring when he can buy a used one." This from a man who didn't think twice about spending thousands of dollars to buy his son a brand-new car or a brand-new boat for himself.

Am I wrong to feel I'm only worth a used engagement ring? This is the most precious gift he could give me -- a sign of our love and commitment -- and I would cherish it forever. I am deeply hurt and would appreciate your thoughts on how to pursue this issue. -- FEELING "USED" IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FEELING "USED": There's a difference between frugal and just plain cheap. That Paul would tell you he considers buying you a new engagement ring is a WASTE shows insensitivity to your feelings. Would he also prefer that your wedding gown come from a thrift store? I know it has been four years, but please take a moment, step back and ask yourself how stingy Paul is about other things.

Obviously, you are a romantic, and Paul is pragmatic to the core. He wants his dollar to stretch as far as it will go. But shopping online for a used ring is risky. Unless he buys from a reputable dealer, he could wind up paying the price of a diamond for a lovely zircon.

Paul may seem like a "gem," but is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Bear in mind that while not every woman would be averse to wearing a pre-owned diamond that was recycled and reset, you do not appear to be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: How can my daughter broach the subject of her matron of honor's "beard"? We're not talking about a few hairs here, but a growth that would make some young men envious. The wedding is coming up soon, and the bride and groom are concerned how it will look in the wedding pictures, but they don't want to hurt her feelings.

I, for one, have been taking quick swipes with my razor for years, and my whiskers haven't grown back thicker or darker, and I only have to do it once or twice a week. Ladies, if unwanted facial hair embarrasses you, forget the myth that shaving will make it worse. You don't have to lather up like a man at the sink, and no one has to know it but you. -- BRIDE'S MOM, ST. LOUIS

DEAR MOM: Before the wedding, schedule a "spa" day for the women in the bridal party -- manicures, pedicures, waxing. When you get there, invite the "bearded lady" to join you in getting any excess facial hair removed. If she sees she isn't alone, she may go for it. And if she's resistant, your wedding photographer can always "Photoshop" the fur away.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited to a friend's home for dinner. When I arrived just a few minutes past the time I was told the meal would be served, I found that everyone had finished eating. I was asked if I'd like something to eat and offered a plate, but refused because I would have felt uncomfortable eating alone while everyone else stood around visiting. I stayed about an hour and left.

The next day, I tried to explain to my friends that I felt like a fool walking in expecting to join them for dinner only to see it was over. I told them I thought it was rude of them to eat before all their guests had arrived. They felt that because everyone else had arrived earlier in the day and the food was ready, that it was OK. They also said I shouldn't have gotten so upset about it.

Now I feel I have caused hard feelings between us and I should have just kept my mouth shut. Was it wrong to tell them how I felt? Am I wrong in thinking you should wait for all your guests to arrive before starting a meal? -- HURT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR HURT: If the invitation read, "Come between 3 p.m. and 6 p.m." and you were the last to arrive "a few minutes past the time the meal was to be served," then I can understand why the other guests started without you. However, if you were told that dinner was scheduled for 6 o'clock and when you arrived you were offered their leftovers, then your feelings are understandable.

Should you have spoken up? I think friends should be able to level with each other. And I find it interesting that telling them your feelings put them on the defensive.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Ted," a widower, for two years. Ted has two daughters in their 20s. One is a college student; the other is a professional woman. Both girls still live at home. The problem in our relationship is that Ted allows them to dictate what he can and cannot do.

I have been patient and understanding about the situation. Ted's wife died three years ago, at age 50. The family was close. I feel Ted is leading two lives -- one I am not a part of, which includes his friends, and our life, which includes my friends and family. Ted comes to my place and gets along with my 20-something sons with ease, but when I suggest going to his house, he refuses. He says his girls want nothing to do with me and tell him I'm not welcome.

His daughters have attempted more than once to sabotage our relationship, but I continue to be patient. Ted has said the girls need counseling, but they refuse. I suggested he go and then they could join him. Abby, how can a parent make adult children realize he needs to move on and live a happy, healthy life? -- BIDING MY TIME IN ROCHESTER

DEAR BIDING: Ted will not be able to convince his daughters until he accepts that reality himself and makes clear to them that he expects his friends to be treated with the same respect and good manners he treats theirs. However, what I find troubling about your situation is that he has never introduced you to any of his friends, either.

I agree that Ted appears to be living two lives. I also agree that he could benefit from counseling. But the question you should be asking yourself -- not me -- is how long you intend to tolerate the status quo.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and have a 6-month-old daughter who is my everything. Her father is 16, and he does drugs and drinks. He says he loves me and the baby, but given the choice, he'd rather be stoned or drunk at his friends' houses than see his daughter.

I want him involved in our lives, but the only time he sees us is when I take the baby to his house. I won't allow my daughter to spend the night with him because he smokes, and so does the rest of the family. I need your help. I don't know what to do. -- TEEN MOMMY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TEEN MOMMY: It appears your baby's father is in no condition to be a parent in any sense of the word. What you're going to have to do is grow up quickly and realize that at the rate he's going, he has no future.

Teenagers who spend their time drinking and drugging can't study, can't work and can't hold a job. Whether your baby's father will even graduate from high school is questionable. That is why it is doubly important for you to apply yourself to your studies and get all the education you can -- because the odds are great that you will be supporting your daughter emotionally and financially until she's an adult.

Some schools offer programs for teen mothers and dads. I urge you to reach out and find out what is available in your community.

DEAR ABBY: Now that I have retired after working long and hard to provide for three kids, life was supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable. The problem is, my relationship with my wife has become strained.

We don't seem to agree on anything. I find her annoying to be around, and she feels the same about me. This leads to arguments, and after 35 years of marriage, I confess that for the first time I don't feel the love for her that I used to. I believe she feels the same way. (At least we agree on something.)

Is this common? Is it repairable? If not, then walking the straight and narrow to reach the golden years was a fool's error. -- OUT TO PASTURE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR OUT TO PASTURE: What you are describing is not at all uncommon. The good news is, it is fixable, but it will take effort on the part of both you and your wife.

It might help your marriage if you went out into the community and volunteered some of your time. I'm sure a man with your energy and intellect would be welcomed with open arms. And you and your wife should join some social groups together so you can start enjoying each other again. If that doesn't bring some improvement, then please consider marriage counseling before you throw in the towel.

DEAR ABBY: Whenever I go out with my friend "Tara," she is ALWAYS 15 to 30 minutes late. Regardless of where we are going or what we'll be doing, she makes me wait.

I am a busy person. Tara does not work. She will call to let me know she'll be late, but still I have to wait. She does this with other people, too.

I am so fed up with waiting for her that I have reached the point of no longer being willing to do it. What can I do about her inconsiderate behavior? -- ON THE DOT, MONROE, LA.

DEAR ON THE DOT: Give your friend a sweet, but firm warning. Tell her that when you make a date with her, you expect her to be ready at the appointed time -- and if she's not, you will leave without her. Then follow through.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)