DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old son, "Adam," has known he was adopted since he was old enough to understand. Adam's birth parents both were addicted to drugs, alcohol and tobacco. In fact, Adam tested positive for cocaine at birth.

Should I tell him that he is at risk for addiction because of his biological heritage? I want him to be aware, yet I don't want to bad-mouth his birth parents or in any way lead him to think that this is his destiny. I know he associates with kids who may be involved in these things. -- CONCERNED MOM IN ATLANTA

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: Frankly, you should have had this conversation with Adam by the time he was 9. He must definitely be given this information. To remain silent would be like failing to warn a child with balance problems not to walk a tightrope.

It would not be "bad-mouthing" to explain to Adam that because his adoption records show his parents were both addicts, it's extremely important that he avoid addictive substances because he could become addicted more easily than the average person. Explain that while it isn't a guarantee that he'll become hooked, the tendency is there. Forewarned is forearmed.

DEAR ABBY: I am one of your male readers. A year and a half ago, my brother was killed in an automobile accident by a drunk driver. We are a very close family, and everyone was devastated. My sister-in-law, "Grace," and I were always close, and we have become closer lately. Now we're discussing the possibility of a relationship.

Grace has three grown sons, and I realize there could be issues or concerns with the boys and our families, but we feel they would want us to be happy.

Is this something that is acceptable, and does it happen often? We have never discussed the fact that I am not my brother and cannot -- and never would try to -- replace him. I couldn't. He was a great man. -- LOOKING FOR INSIGHT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR LOOKING FOR INSIGHT: While I do not have any statistics about widows and widowers becoming romantically involved with former in-laws, I can tell you that this situation is not as unusual as you might think, and the subject has appeared before in my column. It is understandable that you and Grace would be drawn to each other. You have years of shared history in common, and that could form the basis of a very successful union. If you love each other, I say go for it.

DEAR ABBY: When I take a break at work I like to read, but I am often interrupted by co-workers. Even though they see me reading, they insist on starting a conversation. I don't mean to be rude, but it is relaxing for me to "escape" for a few minutes, and I feel robbed when I can't enjoy my latest book. It is too far to go to my car, and we are not supposed to leave the area anyway.

What can I do or say without being considered unkind? -- ANITA IN CINCINNATI

DEAR ANITA: Try this -- nicely warn your co-workers in advance that reading is your form of relaxation and you would appreciate it if they let you concentrate on your book during your break. That way, everyone will get the message in a nonconfrontational way.

Another thought: Place a Do Not Disturb sign with large lettering next to you if you think it will help them get the hint.

DEAR ABBY: I am torn about what to do. My sister has five children, all under 18. She has full custody and receives child support every month from her ex-husband.

The problem is, she has been spending the money that's intended for the children on her boyfriends. Because of it, they have been homeless twice, and it may happen again.

The only person in that household with a steady job is the oldest -- a boy -- but he can't support all of them by himself. How can I make my sister see how irresponsible and immature she is?

My nephew would like to move out, but he is afraid it would seem like he is abandoning his family. Please help me. -- ALARMED AUNTIE IN D.C.

DEAR ALARMED AUNTIE: Your sister's behavior is not only irresponsible, but also dangerous for the welfare of her children. If it is possible to contact their father and let him know what has been going on, I'm recommending that you do so. You should also contact Child Protective Services because while foster care is not "ideal," it would be better than what is going on in your sister's household.

DEAR ABBY: I am embarrassing my 7-year-old son. I make him come into the women's restroom with me if no family bathroom is available. He can use the bathroom by himself, of course, but I worry about who might be lurking in the men's room while he is out of my sight. Other mothers say they agree that a "bad man" could be loitering in public restrooms these days.

Is it more traumatic for him to come into the ladies' room or have me stand outside the men's room yelling, "Is everything all right in there?" -- LISA IN PHOENIX

DEAR LISA: If your son is old enough to be embarrassed by having to come into the women's restroom, then he should not be forced into it. It is not necessary to stand outside the men's room yelling, "Is everything all right in there?" Simply announce loudly when your son enters that you will be "waiting right here," so anyone inside will know he is not alone. Then, if your son isn't out in a reasonable period of time, ask if everything is all right. And if he doesn't respond, check on him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old professional woman with a good job. I was recently invited by a friend to join her and her parents on a four-day mini-vacation trip. I accepted with the understanding that I would share food and hotel expenses.

Her father insisted on paying for every meal and excursion, and refused my offers to pay for anything. This made me very uncomfortable, since I was not expecting a free ride. I gave my friend some money and asked her to repay her father after I had left, but I still feel awkward about the whole thing.

Abby, what is the proper etiquette for such situations? -- CAN PAY MY WAY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CAN PAY: Your friend's father is obviously a man of means, who could afford to treat you and did not feel comfortable allowing you to pay for the meals and hotel expenses. It is possible that he comes from the "men pay for everything" generation. While you may be too young to remember, it's the one that grew into adulthood before the women's rights movement.

Rather than having given your friend money to pass along to her dad, a better solution would have been to send her parents a lovely gift with a letter included, thanking them for their generosity.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I am 43, the mother of four children and just celebrated my 20th anniversary. Is it normal for someone to be married all this time and still not want your husband to see you naked?

I do not reveal myself to him. The lights must always be off, and I keep a shirt on. It's not because I am ashamed of my body; it's that I'm not attracted to him. I never was.

I married my husband for security and have learned to love him. But I love him like a brother, in a sisterly kind of way. I feel I owe him.

Should I tell my husband how I feel and risk losing my security after all this time? I had to talk to someone, so I confided in my best friend. She advised me to say nothing.

My husband had an affair a few years ago, and frankly, I was secretly relieved. Sometimes I wish he was still with her. Now that it's over, I'm back in hiding. Abby, please advise. -- HIDING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HIDING: What a sad situation. By marrying your husband feeling as you did, you have cheated both of you. Not only have you "not revealed" yourself physically, you have not revealed yourself emotionally or in any other way. You wish he was still with his lover because it took the pressure off you.

Your husband had an affair because instinctively he knew something important was missing in your marriage, and if you were happy you would not have written to me. What you have described is not a marriage; it is an "arrangement."

My advice is to talk to your husband about making another kind of arrangement -- one in which he supports the children and possibly makes some kind of settlement with you, while you both pursue your separate lives. Frankly, it won't be much different than what you are already experiencing.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Will," recently let it slip that he thinks I'm less intelligent than he is. He said if we were to take an IQ test, he would score higher. I felt hurt and angry when he said it, especially because he truly believes it. He said the same thing to me five years ago.

Now I find myself feeling extremely defensive. I am in the top third of my law school class but did poorly in engineering school. In contrast, Will has a Ph.D. in engineering.

Will assures me that being less intelligent doesn't diminish me, but I'm still upset. Now I'm thinking of ending the relationship. Do you think I'm being overly sensitive? -- AVERAGE IN MARYLAND

DEAR MARYLAND: Please allow me to enlighten you about something. Being in the top third of your class in law school already makes you above average, so please stop allowing your boyfriend's egotistical comment to undermine your self-esteem.

Will may or may not have a higher IQ than you, but he is lacking in social intelligence and common sense. His superior attitude is obnoxious. Whether you keep him or dump him is up to you, but recognize that no one has everything. While Will may be brilliant in one area, he is deficient when it comes to sensitivity. Ask yourself why he needed to say what he did to you, and you may find that he's using his air of intellectual superiority to mask a lack of self-esteem.