DEAR ABBY: I am torn about what to do. My sister has five children, all under 18. She has full custody and receives child support every month from her ex-husband.

The problem is, she has been spending the money that's intended for the children on her boyfriends. Because of it, they have been homeless twice, and it may happen again.

The only person in that household with a steady job is the oldest -- a boy -- but he can't support all of them by himself. How can I make my sister see how irresponsible and immature she is?

My nephew would like to move out, but he is afraid it would seem like he is abandoning his family. Please help me. -- ALARMED AUNTIE IN D.C.

DEAR ALARMED AUNTIE: Your sister's behavior is not only irresponsible, but also dangerous for the welfare of her children. If it is possible to contact their father and let him know what has been going on, I'm recommending that you do so. You should also contact Child Protective Services because while foster care is not "ideal," it would be better than what is going on in your sister's household.

DEAR ABBY: I am embarrassing my 7-year-old son. I make him come into the women's restroom with me if no family bathroom is available. He can use the bathroom by himself, of course, but I worry about who might be lurking in the men's room while he is out of my sight. Other mothers say they agree that a "bad man" could be loitering in public restrooms these days.

Is it more traumatic for him to come into the ladies' room or have me stand outside the men's room yelling, "Is everything all right in there?" -- LISA IN PHOENIX

DEAR LISA: If your son is old enough to be embarrassed by having to come into the women's restroom, then he should not be forced into it. It is not necessary to stand outside the men's room yelling, "Is everything all right in there?" Simply announce loudly when your son enters that you will be "waiting right here," so anyone inside will know he is not alone. Then, if your son isn't out in a reasonable period of time, ask if everything is all right. And if he doesn't respond, check on him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old professional woman with a good job. I was recently invited by a friend to join her and her parents on a four-day mini-vacation trip. I accepted with the understanding that I would share food and hotel expenses.

Her father insisted on paying for every meal and excursion, and refused my offers to pay for anything. This made me very uncomfortable, since I was not expecting a free ride. I gave my friend some money and asked her to repay her father after I had left, but I still feel awkward about the whole thing.

Abby, what is the proper etiquette for such situations? -- CAN PAY MY WAY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CAN PAY: Your friend's father is obviously a man of means, who could afford to treat you and did not feel comfortable allowing you to pay for the meals and hotel expenses. It is possible that he comes from the "men pay for everything" generation. While you may be too young to remember, it's the one that grew into adulthood before the women's rights movement.

Rather than having given your friend money to pass along to her dad, a better solution would have been to send her parents a lovely gift with a letter included, thanking them for their generosity.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I am 43, the mother of four children and just celebrated my 20th anniversary. Is it normal for someone to be married all this time and still not want your husband to see you naked?

I do not reveal myself to him. The lights must always be off, and I keep a shirt on. It's not because I am ashamed of my body; it's that I'm not attracted to him. I never was.

I married my husband for security and have learned to love him. But I love him like a brother, in a sisterly kind of way. I feel I owe him.

Should I tell my husband how I feel and risk losing my security after all this time? I had to talk to someone, so I confided in my best friend. She advised me to say nothing.

My husband had an affair a few years ago, and frankly, I was secretly relieved. Sometimes I wish he was still with her. Now that it's over, I'm back in hiding. Abby, please advise. -- HIDING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HIDING: What a sad situation. By marrying your husband feeling as you did, you have cheated both of you. Not only have you "not revealed" yourself physically, you have not revealed yourself emotionally or in any other way. You wish he was still with his lover because it took the pressure off you.

Your husband had an affair because instinctively he knew something important was missing in your marriage, and if you were happy you would not have written to me. What you have described is not a marriage; it is an "arrangement."

My advice is to talk to your husband about making another kind of arrangement -- one in which he supports the children and possibly makes some kind of settlement with you, while you both pursue your separate lives. Frankly, it won't be much different than what you are already experiencing.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Will," recently let it slip that he thinks I'm less intelligent than he is. He said if we were to take an IQ test, he would score higher. I felt hurt and angry when he said it, especially because he truly believes it. He said the same thing to me five years ago.

Now I find myself feeling extremely defensive. I am in the top third of my law school class but did poorly in engineering school. In contrast, Will has a Ph.D. in engineering.

Will assures me that being less intelligent doesn't diminish me, but I'm still upset. Now I'm thinking of ending the relationship. Do you think I'm being overly sensitive? -- AVERAGE IN MARYLAND

DEAR MARYLAND: Please allow me to enlighten you about something. Being in the top third of your class in law school already makes you above average, so please stop allowing your boyfriend's egotistical comment to undermine your self-esteem.

Will may or may not have a higher IQ than you, but he is lacking in social intelligence and common sense. His superior attitude is obnoxious. Whether you keep him or dump him is up to you, but recognize that no one has everything. While Will may be brilliant in one area, he is deficient when it comes to sensitivity. Ask yourself why he needed to say what he did to you, and you may find that he's using his air of intellectual superiority to mask a lack of self-esteem.

DEAR READERS: In my many years of involvement with this column (and before), I have heard some creative name-calling and may have even indulged in a few choice words myself. But your scatological creativity in describing "The Other Woman, Anywhere, USA" (March 11) singed my eyebrows to the roots. Some readers thanked me for my reply. Others felt I was too easy on the letter writer. And others ... well, read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband "works long hours" and frequently attends evening "meetings" or "stag functions." He is "too tired" to notice my negligee and perfume and "too busy" to meet me for lunch or respond to my loving e-mails. When I'm not at my full-time job, I'm the one washing his leftover dishes and dirty socks, cleaning toilets, fixing torn screens, preparing the drywall our kids damaged, unclogging drains and doing the other minor repairs.

He says there's no money for a night out, yet I find dinner receipts for two in his dirty clothes. (The income I bring in must make SOME difference.) I go to bed alone and starved for sex more nights than I can count. Is this the intact marriage "Other Woman" is trying to preserve? She gets the perks while I'm picking up the dirty towels.

Please, TAKE him! Give me my child support and alimony and YOU support this "wonderful" man. Clean up after him and then see how much "quality time" you enjoy, Sweetie! -- THE WIFE BACK HOME

DEAR ABBY: May I offer a different perspective? I have more respect for a man who sticks with his family and remains in the house providing support and raising his kids, but finds a sexual relationship outside the home. You want to know what I think is really toxic? A man who stays married and celibate, just letting his resentment fester and build. Try walking a mile in someone else's shoes before passing judgment, lady! -- MALE READER IN THE USA

DEAR ABBY: I am a child of an unfaithful marriage. As a pre-teen and teen I often cried and prayed to God for my parents to divorce. Children know when a marriage isn't right. I still mourn for the well-adjusted adult I might have become if I'd had two honest and separate but happy households in which to grow up.

How convenient of "Other Woman" to blame affairs on the wives while overlooking the husband's part in the demise of the marriage. It baffles me that she believes she knows the whole story about her lover's marriage. Please tell her that the only "best friend" her lover has is himself. -- ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I was "The Other Man" for 30 years. I was a teenager and still in high school when I met "Sue." She was in her 20s, gorgeous, and I was earning money mowing lawns. I was a virgin. It started with me rubbing suntan lotion on her back. Her husband was in the military.

One day she told me she was lonely because her husband was gone so much and their 5-year-old was in kindergarten. She asked me to be her "special friend." After high school she paid for me to go to trade school. For 29 years I followed her wherever the military sent her husband. I even had a vasectomy so I wouldn't get her pregnant. I lived my life for her.

Her husband has now retired from the military. She has time for me now maybe once a month. What we had is fading more each week. She is my first and only love, and I'll never find anyone to love as I have loved her, or father children of my own. Is my life worth living? -- DEPRESSED OUT WEST

DEAR DEPRESSED: Yes, but it may take counseling to help you realize it. Please don't wait. Your life is worth living. The ability to father a child is not the most important quality many women want in a husband.