DEAR ABBY: When I was 15, I was raped by a family friend. I did what I thought was the right thing to do and told my parents. The man was arrested, and DNA tests proved everything. Charges were pressed.

I thought everything was going to be OK, but a few days before the court proceedings were to begin, my rapist killed himself. Now his family harasses my family. They claim he was innocent and I was bent on ruining his life.

Abby, people often ask me if I am "relieved" that he committed suicide. I feel terrible about it, and I don't know how to respond to these comments. -- BLAMING MYSELF OUT WEST

DEAR BLAMING YOURSELF: When someone commits suicide, it is not unusual for the survivors to feel -- among other things -- overwhelming guilt. You did the right thing by telling your parents about the assault. Your family did the right thing in pressing charges. Obviously your rapist was very disturbed, and you are in no way responsible for his death. The police should be notified about the harassment from his family.

When someone asks if you are "relieved" that the rapist is dead, you are not obliged to answer. You can let the question hang in the air, or turn it back on the person by asking, "How would you feel?" and let him or her ramble on.

I hope you received psychological counseling after you were raped, because it should have helped you to recognize that you are not responsible for anything that has happened. However, because you are blaming yourself, it's time to schedule a few sessions with a therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and being married in the fall. I couldn't be more excited. I have started shopping for a wedding dress, and I would like to wear a pure white one on my special day. However, I am not a virgin, and I know the original significance of brides wearing white was to declare their virginity.

Is this still true today, or is it not so important anymore? I don't want to offend anyone. (I think most of the guests we will be inviting know my fiance and I live together, so they can assume that I am not a virgin.) I could always wear an ivory dress, but I would really prefer a white one. What do you think? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: If your dream dress is white, then that's what you should wear.

According to Emily Post: "During the 20th century, white came to signify joy rather than virginity (though traditionalists may hold to the older symbolism) and is now considered appropriate for all brides, including those marrying again and those who are pregnant at the time of the wedding."

DEAR ABBY: I ride the bus to and from work every day, and I have had it "up to here" with people who conduct loud conversations on their cell phones. I have learned far more than I ever wanted to about medical problems, restraining orders, relationships that are falling apart, etc. I would love to make eye contact and give them "the look," but these folks are too absorbed in what they are saying to even glance in my direction.

What surprises me most is that the average age of a lot of them is in their 40s. I'm in my early 20s, but I know that not only is their behavior rude, but that sharing personal information with a group of strangers is potentially dangerous.

Can you suggest a way to deal with this problem without having to wear earplugs? -- MINNEAPOLIS COMMUTER

DEAR MINNEAPOLIS COMMUTER: Yes, get up and move your seat.

DEAR ABBY: "Ralph" and I have been married a little over a year. It's the second marriage for both of us. We were both single for six years after our divorces, so we had time to become independent.

Ralph still spends his evenings and weekends the way he did when he was a bachelor. He stays in the garage and watches TV alone. We have talked about it, set up family time, and even bought the large-screen TV he wanted for the living room, but still he hides out in the garage. He comes in only to eat and use the bathroom.

I know Ralph loves me and our new family, but this is causing strain. I have two children from my last marriage, and the younger one feels deeply hurt because my husband spends no time with him. What can I do? I feel alone in this marriage. -- ALONE AND LONELY IN INDIANA

DEAR ALONE AND LONELY: You ARE alone in this marriage. If you married Ralph thinking you could change the way he acted as a bachelor, that you would have companionship and your children would have an attentive father, you may have married the wrong man. If Ralph was happy and at ease, he would not be hiding out in the garage.

Before this goes any further, you and he need to have another frank talk because the status quo is not fair to you or the children. If it doesn't work, then it's time for family counseling, if only so your children won't blame themselves for your husband's shortcomings.

However, I don't expect him to change and neither should you. This is the way he was before you married him, and a leopard doesn't change his spots.

DEAR ABBY: I have an issue with my husband and can't seem to get my point across. He refuses to wear a seat belt. He says it's uncomfortable, and he hates when he pulls it too quickly and it gets caught. I have asked him repeatedly to wear it, not only because he could get a ticket, but also for his own safety.

My car has an alarm on it, so if you don't buckle up, it beeps. He goes as far as buckling the belt behind him so it will stop. I have tried everything from explaining the safety hazards to telling him he can no longer drive my car if he can't drive safely. What can I do to make him buckle up? -- FRUSTRATED IN ALABAMA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Seat belts save lives, and that's why seat belt laws were passed. Your husband is a grown man, presumably of sound mind. You can't "make" him do anything he doesn't want to do. You can, however, refuse to ride with him if he doesn't comply -- and that's what I'm recommending.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance insists upon asking our server's name if it is not offered when she approaches our table. I am insulted that he even cares. Personally, I do not want him asking for another woman's name in my presence. I find it rude.

He, on the other hand, thinks it's rude if the server does not introduce herself. Who is right? -- NAMELESS IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS

DEAR NAMELESS: In most of the better dining establishments it is a matter of policy that the server introduce him- or herself when a party is seated. If that doesn't happen, then it is perfectly acceptable -- and, indeed, advisable -- for the guest to ask the server's name. Doing so ensures that if something is needed at the table, the diner does not have to say "Hey, you" to get the server's attention.

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and have been with my high school sweetheart, "Andy," for six years. I can see myself with him for the rest of my life, but there's a problem. I am very career-oriented and have big dreams for going far, but Andy is the complete opposite. He didn't finish school and is content with a low-paying job for his "career."

I was always raised to reach for the stars, but Andy's parents are not educated, so he sees no reason to go back to school. I have spoken to him several times about my goals. He is supportive, but has no plans on doing anything for himself.

Abby, what should I do? Should I stay with Andy and lower my dreams or give up on him? Did I mention that he has no one to depend on but me? How do I let him go? Besides this issue, our relationship is perfect. Please help. -- GOAL-ORIENTED GAL IN DALLAS

DEAR GOAL-ORIENTED: Many women are the primary wage-earners in their families. And I know of happy marriages between couples with differing levels of education.

You are responsible for your future, and Andy is responsible for his. It's time to be honest with yourself about your feelings. To marry someone because "he has no one to depend on but you" is a poor reason. My intuition tells me you want out. Do you? If the answer is yes, the time to tell Andy is now.

DEAR ABBY: When seated at a dinner table where the food is served "family style," which is the proper way of passing the dishes -- to the left or to the right? I have yet to sit at such a dinner and have the plates come from one direction. They come at me from both sides!

I have a tendency to pass to the left. I am right-handed, and I hold the dish to my left and take my portions with my right hand. Because the plate is already to my left, I pass it to the left. I have also gone to some dinners where the plates were passed back and forth across the table.

Is there a correct way of passing food around the table? -- LEFT OR RIGHT? IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LEFT OR RIGHT?: According to "Emily Post's Etiquette" (which I'll paraphrase), the dishes are "traditionally" passed to the right (counterclockwise) so they move in one direction. After helping him- or herself, each diner holds the dish for the next diner or hands the dish to the person to the right so that person can take a portion. If the dish is heavy, it can be placed on the table with each pass. Any dish that has a handle should be passed so the handle faces the person receiving it.

DEAR ABBY: My favorite sister-in-law is now a two-year cancer survivor. We are thrilled that she's doing so well. But she still has her short "cancer haircut."

Abby, she has fabulous hair, but won't let it grow out. I know this may seem trivial, but she'd look like a million bucks if she'd allow her hair to get longer. She's such a special lady, none of the family want to tell her anything but how great she is. Should I keep my opinion to myself? -- LOVING RELATIVE IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR LOVING RELATIVE: Your sister-in-law's reasons for keeping her hair short may be practical, or they could be emotional. Please realize that advice which is unasked for is often unwelcome and keep your mouth shut. She'll let her hair grow out when she's ready.