DEAR ABBY: My father, who is a deacon at his church, has cancer. I have pitched in to help Mom take him to treatments out of town. Each time he has an outpatient treatment, the pastor of his church shows up and stays with us the entire time -- sometimes all day long.

Abby, he follows me around like a lost puppy, and it is clear that he's attracted to me -- even referring to me once as his "girlfriend." I am repulsed by this reference as I am happily married to a wonderful man. This man is married, too.

I want to be there for Dad during his treatments, but I don't want to make small talk with someone who is beginning to creep me out. How do I tell him to stay away without making a huge scene? -- MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL

DEAR MAKES: Ask your father whom he would like to have with him when he's getting his treatments -- you or his pastor. Then explain exactly why. If your father feels he needs the pastor's support during this difficult time, then the pastor can transport him and your mother to the treatment center. If your parents would rather have you there, then you, they or all of you together can inform the love-struck pastor that his services are appreciated but unnecessary.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received my federal tax return refund and deposited the check into my personal savings account. Abby, that check is in my name only because I get that money for my daughter from a previous marriage. I have always put the refund into my own account.

When my husband discovered that I hadn't deposited the check into the joint account, he became furious. He behaved like a child throwing a tantrum, ranting and raving about not having access to the money without my consent.

My husband is now threatening to sell the house if I don't give in to his demand. My husband has his own personal and business accounts. Should I give in and put the funds into our joint account or stand firm and let him play out his threats? -- DISCONCERTED IN DENVER

DEAR DISCONCERTED: Do not move the money without more information. Something has happened in your husband's life, and he has hidden it from you. Whether it is business-related or personal, I can't say. Under no circumstances must you give in to blackmail. You deserve to know the truth so you can deal with it as a couple. If your husband and his CPA are not forthcoming, then you should consult a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been invited to two weddings on the same day. Both families are close to us, but they do not know each other. My son is in one of the weddings. One is in town; the other is two hours away.

We knew about these weddings prior to being invited, but one of the couples changed their date. We thought we could split up for the day -- I would go to one and my husband would go to the other. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am stumped. Abby, what are your thoughts? -- WEDDING WOES IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WOES: Thanks for asking. I think you and your husband should attend the wedding of the couple who invited you first. Because one couple changed their wedding date and created a conflict, you have a perfectly acceptable reason for being unable to attend.

DEAR ABBY: May I chime in on the letter from "Mini-Me in Texas" (Feb. 5), who didn't want to disclose to her colleagues the fact that she'd had weight-reduction surgery? There is still enormous bias against overweight people, even from those who should know better. The perception is that the problem is a "lack of control." There is also prejudice from these same folks against individuals who seek the lap band procedure because it is regarded as "taking the easy way out."

I understand why "Mini" would prefer to keep her procedure and adjustments private. One's own body and eating habits are a private matter.

If "Mini" wants to deflect negative speculation, she can say that she is worried about her health, has sought medical advice and is following her doctor's plan to help her lose weight.

Kudos to "Mini" for improving her health. Weight loss is always a struggle, and well-meaning people should not pass judgment or interfere. -- MINI-ME SUPPORTER IN OAKLAND

DEAR SUPPORTER: Your sentiments have merit. However, I also heard from readers who responded with other options for "Mini" to consider. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Since I had gastric bypass surgery last year, I have lost more than 80 pounds. I have been frank with my friends and have offered to provide any information I can. I am also happy to let them know that I no longer have type II diabetes, acid reflux, sleep apnea or high blood pressure.

Not only is it OK for "Mini" to tell people about her surgery, she should celebrate it as I do, and help others by letting them know not only what she did, but also how wonderful she's feeling now. -- LIGHTER NOW IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ABBY: I, too, had lap band surgery a year ago. When folks comment on my weight loss, I say, "Isn't it great? I feel fabulous!" When they ask how I lost the weight, I tell them that I eat less and exercise more. It's the truth without going into details. -- JILL IN IDAHO

DEAR ABBY: I liked your advice of ordering only an appetizer. Once the weight loss begins to show, people will stop questioning the smaller portion choices because they will be aware that "Mini" is on a weight-loss program.

I still need to exercise and make wise food choices. The lap band surgery for me was not a solution but a tool in helping me in my journey to lose weight. -- LOVING LIFE AGAIN

DEAR ABBY: I was so excited about my gastric bypass surgery, I told anyone who would listen. Everyone was extremely supportive. Responses ranged from "Good for you!" to curiosity about the procedure.

"Mini" has nothing to be ashamed of. And it's not a sign of weakness or "taking the easy way out" because there's nothing easy about weight-loss surgery. -- MINIER-ME IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: The lap band procedure has become so prevalent that my husband's surgeon issues wallet-sized cards to present to servers when requesting child-sized meals. So far, all restaurants have recognized and honored these cards. -- E.J.M. IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: Being open about the surgery and successful weight loss can inspire others as well as reinforce the positive changes she has introduced into her life. It turns out the folks I didn't want to tell have become my biggest cheerleaders. -- HAPPY LOSER IN KANSAS

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had a falling-out with his parents last October. We sent them an e-mail in December to let them know we have no desire to keep our children -- ages 5 and 6 -- from them. We feel it is important that they have a good relationship with their grandparents even though we don't.

My in-laws never responded and have made no attempt to see the children. They do send cards to them for holidays and birthdays, however.

While we accept that they want nothing to do with us, the kids keep asking why they don't get to see Nana and Papa anymore. We tell them that Nana and Papa love them very much, but are very busy. My in-laws live just 10 minutes away.

Abby, how do I continue to explain this situation to my children? They have done nothing wrong, and my heart breaks for them. -- DON'T BLAME THE KIDS

DEAR DON'T: You are behaving as if the ball is now in your in-laws' court. Continue telling your children that their grandparents love them, and have them pick up the phone and call Nana and Papa. If your in-laws are screening their calls and don't answer, have the children leave a message saying they miss their grandparents and would like to see them. Then the ball will be in their court.

DEAR ABBY: My son will graduate in June from a college in the Northeast. We live way down south. I am sending a few invitations to announce the occasion. No one is expected to make the trip for the event.

If people send only congratulatory cards, is a thank-you in order if no gifts are received? -- GRAD'S MOM

DEAR MOM: You should not send an invitation to anyone you know will not attend the graduation ceremony. To do so would seem like a bid for a gift. Instead, send a graduation announcement. According to "Emily Post's Etiquette": "Recipients of any kind of announcement are not expected to give gifts, though they may want to send a congratulatory note or card."

When someone does something nice for someone else, it deserves to be acknowledged. If your son receives a card congratulating him on his graduation, he should take a moment and drop the sender a note saying, "Thank you for remembering me at this special time in my life."

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in my mid-20s and am in the process of buying my first home. It is a great house and not necessarily a typical "starter" home.

My issue is many friends and acquaintances keep asking me how much I am purchasing the home for and how can I afford it. I was raised that to ask about someone's financial situation is rude and intrusive. Am I right, or has this become acceptable? -- VEXED IN TEXAS

DEAR VEXED: It's not surprising that someone would be curious. However, you are right. It IS bad manners to ask people what they paid for something. That's why you are perfectly within your rights to say that you would prefer not to answer and the question makes you uncomfortable.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)