DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had a falling-out with his parents last October. We sent them an e-mail in December to let them know we have no desire to keep our children -- ages 5 and 6 -- from them. We feel it is important that they have a good relationship with their grandparents even though we don't.

My in-laws never responded and have made no attempt to see the children. They do send cards to them for holidays and birthdays, however.

While we accept that they want nothing to do with us, the kids keep asking why they don't get to see Nana and Papa anymore. We tell them that Nana and Papa love them very much, but are very busy. My in-laws live just 10 minutes away.

Abby, how do I continue to explain this situation to my children? They have done nothing wrong, and my heart breaks for them. -- DON'T BLAME THE KIDS

DEAR DON'T: You are behaving as if the ball is now in your in-laws' court. Continue telling your children that their grandparents love them, and have them pick up the phone and call Nana and Papa. If your in-laws are screening their calls and don't answer, have the children leave a message saying they miss their grandparents and would like to see them. Then the ball will be in their court.

DEAR ABBY: My son will graduate in June from a college in the Northeast. We live way down south. I am sending a few invitations to announce the occasion. No one is expected to make the trip for the event.

If people send only congratulatory cards, is a thank-you in order if no gifts are received? -- GRAD'S MOM

DEAR MOM: You should not send an invitation to anyone you know will not attend the graduation ceremony. To do so would seem like a bid for a gift. Instead, send a graduation announcement. According to "Emily Post's Etiquette": "Recipients of any kind of announcement are not expected to give gifts, though they may want to send a congratulatory note or card."

When someone does something nice for someone else, it deserves to be acknowledged. If your son receives a card congratulating him on his graduation, he should take a moment and drop the sender a note saying, "Thank you for remembering me at this special time in my life."

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in my mid-20s and am in the process of buying my first home. It is a great house and not necessarily a typical "starter" home.

My issue is many friends and acquaintances keep asking me how much I am purchasing the home for and how can I afford it. I was raised that to ask about someone's financial situation is rude and intrusive. Am I right, or has this become acceptable? -- VEXED IN TEXAS

DEAR VEXED: It's not surprising that someone would be curious. However, you are right. It IS bad manners to ask people what they paid for something. That's why you are perfectly within your rights to say that you would prefer not to answer and the question makes you uncomfortable.

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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Clay," and I recently met another couple, "Doreen" and "Bob," who let us know they're interested in socializing together. I like the concept of double-dating. It has a different social dynamic than hanging out with Clay's or my single friends.

At first we enjoyed our time with them. We met twice for dinner that first month. However, lately we've been feeling pressured. Doreen sends four or five e-mails during the week and then a few text messages asking about our plans and if we want to meet them on Saturday.

I have tried to explain that we can't afford to go out every weekend and that Clay and I sometimes have other plans. I have told them I'd be willing to host a game night or rent a movie, but I get the impression they consider it an insult.

The issue here is that we don't like being pushed. One text or e-mail toward the end of the week is plenty for us. But receiving several inquiries all week makes us feel trapped. We have our own projects, friends and activities. We can't spend every weekend with this couple. As much as we enjoy spending time with them, how can we politely let them know that it is becoming too much? -- IN DEMAND IN ANNAPOLIS

DEAR IN DEMAND: Doreen and Bob obviously do not have as full a social calendar as you do, and they love your company. It would not be rude to explain to Doreen that, as you so clearly stated in your letter, you "have your own projects, friends and activities" and "can't spend every single weekend" with them. You should also say that being snowed under with e-mails and texts makes you uncomfortable.

Tell her that you enjoy them, too, that you have financial limitations and that you will contact them to schedule something. If they take offense because of it, the problem is theirs, so don't make it yours.

DEAR ABBY: I can't be the only person with this question, and I hope you can point me in the right direction. Nowadays many restaurants, airports and department stores have automatic flush toilets. But sometimes they don't work. Is there an override switch somewhere? I hate to leave them unflushed.

For obvious reasons, I'm not signing my full name, but this is a genuine concern. -- LISA IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR LISA: The answer is yes. There usually is a manual button you can push when the infrared signal fails to operate. Sometimes it's a little black button on the front of the metal post, or a large metal button on the top.

You are absolutely not the only person with this question. And you know what? If you have tried without success to locate the button, you have my permission to leave the stall knowing you have done the best you "can."

DEAR ABBY: Every year, the day after my birthday, my father-in-law calls to yell at me for not letting him know it was my birthday. He says he "just found out" after talking to other family members. Then he'll say he would have sent me a gift -- or at least a card -- if I had told him.

Does he really expect me to call him two weeks before my birthday to remind him to start shopping for my gift? -- A DAY LATE ...

DEAR DAY LATE: Yes, he does. So next year, call his bluff and see what happens.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY DEAR MOTHER, PAULINE PHILLIPS: Happy Mother's Day, Mama. You have always been so many things to so many people -- a surrogate parent, a role model, a moral compass as well as an inspiration. You are in my heart and in my thoughts today and every day.

DEAR ABBY: "Jack" and I have been married 15 years. We have a 10-year-old son, "Cody," who has special needs. Since we first began exploring a diagnosis for our son, I have encouraged Jack to educate himself on the condition. At one point, Jack told me he wasn't interested.

He seldom accompanies us to therapy, although he has taken Cody when I have been sick. We recently had a medical emergency because Jack didn't know what medication Cody was supposed to take. I keep the information written on a list close to the supply cabinet, but he ignored it.

I have long been frustrated by Jack's lack of interest in our son's care. He accepts no responsibility when it comes to discipline, therapy or even personal care tasks.

I will soon be starting a new career, and I'm afraid about Cody's care in my absence. If I broach the subject with Jack, he says I don't give him credit for what he does do. (That's his usual response for anything I try to discuss with him.) We have tried family counseling, which helped only temporarily. Should we go back? I am really at a loss. -- DESPAIRING IN OHIO

DEAR DESPAIRING: Your husband does not appear to have fully accepted that his son is different from other children. That would explain his lack of desire to learn about Cody's condition and his refusal to help with discipline, therapy, personal care or medications. You have my sympathy because you not only have your son to deal with, you have also had to compensate for your husband's retreat into denial.

A return to family counseling might be helpful. However, because you have reason to question the quality of care your son will receive in your absence, the funds might be better spent in finding responsible day care for your boy.

DEAR ABBY: My stepsister, "Maya," and I became best friends during the four years that my mom and her dad were married. We shared a room during visitations and confided in each other about things we couldn't tell anyone else. We were as close as real sisters.

Mom and Maya's dad are now going through a bitter divorce because my stepdad had an affair. They communicate only through their lawyers, and Mom says we can have nothing more to do with "them." I think it's unfair to have the rug pulled out from under us over something that has nothing to do with Maya or me.

Against Mom's orders, I have been keeping in touch with my sister (and I mean that) through text messages and e-mails. If Mom finds out, I'll be in big trouble.

I know Mom has every reason to be angry with my stepdad, but I don't know why Maya and I should have to suffer. Please help. -- MISSING MY BEST FRIEND

DEAR MISSING: I agree that it's unfair that you and Maya should be punished because of the nasty divorce. But right now your mother is hurt and angry, and she's not thinking rationally. Your mother may also be concerned that you might tell Maya something that she doesn't want Maya's father to know.

It might help if you explain your feelings to one of your mother's close friends or another family member who can help you make her understand the situation from your point of view. She may need to be reminded that the world doesn't revolve completely around her, and she's not the only person hurting in this divorce.

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