DEAR ABBY: My only child, "Lauren," is 16. Her boyfriend, "Scott," treated her well when they first started dating a year ago. Now he talks down to her, makes fun of her and breaks up with her every other week for a few days. Lauren doesn't talk to us about these break-ups or anything else. She talks to Scott's mom and dad and believes everything they tell her.

Lauren used to be close to my sister and her kids, but now she ignores them. She would stay at Scott's 24/7 if we'd let her. She goes there even when he's not home, and has asked if she could spend the night over there. Of course, we refused.

We're not bad parents. Her friends all tell our daughter how lucky she is. Lauren has a nice car, pretty clothes and just about everything she wants. She doesn't have chores, but she holds down a part-time job for spending money.

I don't know why she allows Scott to disrespect her and why she has forsaken her family. We liked Scott and his family at first -- until they started turning our daughter against us. She'll be 18 before long, and I don't want to lose my daughter. Help! -- TROUBLED MOM IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TROUBLED MOM: Your daughter "has a nice car, pretty clothes and just about everything she wants." Nowhere in your letter did you mention discipline and accountability. "Chores" are for more than spending money. They reinforce the idea that a child is a contributing member of the family.

Your daughter is 16, thinks she's in love and has no experience. Scott's behavior is emotionally abusive, and he breaks up with her regularly because he wants some freedom. I don't know what your daughter is getting from Scott's parents -- perhaps it's "hope" that their son really is Prince Charming. (Not.)

I applaud the fact that you didn't allow your daughter to spend the night with him. There is still time for you and your husband to impose some rules in your home, and I hope you will do so. Family counseling could help to open the lines of communication, and you should get some right away.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers has been conducting long phone calls with her newly married daughter, who seems to be having marital troubles. The conversations are interesting and quite personal. Sometimes I feel awkward hearing all the uncomfortable details, but the calls are impossible to ignore in our quiet little office.

How do I tactfully let the offender know she's broadcasting her daughter's private life to the entire office? One would think her many personal calls would weigh upon her conscience, but she seems oblivious.

Should I send an anonymous note, let the office manager deal with it or let it go? I'm ashamed to admit it, but I can't wait to hear the next installment of "My Daughter Is Too Incompetent to Handle Her Own Life." -- HOOKED ON THE DRAMA

DEAR HOOKED: How well do you know your co-worker? If you're at all friendly, do her a favor and tell her the phone calls have become a topic of conversation in the office. If you are not close and the calls keep you from getting your work done, then say something to the office manager because what the woman is doing is unprofessional.

DEAR ABBY: A former longtime friend, "Gladys," and I have been estranged for the past 10 years. It is a complicated situation, but generally it involved her divorce and later involvement with a married man.

While I am not a prude, there were some moral and ethical breaches on her part which made it uncomfortable for me to be in her company. We stopped calling or seeing each other.

Gladys has now become quite ill and may not survive. My dilemma is whether I should pay my respects to her family at the time of her death. I have known them all for many years. -- REMAINING NAMELESS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR REMAINING NAMELESS: Funerals are supposed to provide comfort for the living, and I don't see how the presence of someone who describes herself as a "former" friend of their loved one would achieve that.

I have a suggestion. Why not pick up the phone, call Gladys and tell her how sorry you were to learn of her illness? Whether you approved of her divorce and affair, you have years of history together, and it would be better for both of you to make peace while there's still time.

DEAR ABBY: I work in the office of an elementary school. There is a lot to do, and I am frequently interrupted. While I enjoy conversations with parents and students, my problem is a few parents who want to engage in lengthy conversations -- usually detailing personal problems.

One parent comes in daily, and I haven't found an effective way to extricate myself from these conversations. Walking out of the office is not an option. A ringing phone is not a deterrent as some parents will just stand there, wait until I finish and continue talking.

Have you any suggestions on how to politely let these parents know I have a job to do? -- JOB INTERRUPTED OUT WEST

DEAR JOB INTERRUPTED: Allow me to offer one: How about telling them you're behind in your work and you haven't the time to talk that day. Period. Unless you become more assertive, these people will continue to monopolize your time, make you less effective and possibly jeopardize your job.

DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old daughter, "Andrea," moved out of the house at 17. She has been living with her fiance ever since. They plan to be married this summer, and my question is: Because she left our house of her own free will, is it still my husband's and my responsibility as her parents to pay for their wedding?

She has been living with her boyfriend, already has one child and is now pregnant with twins. We feel their wedding should be their expense to bear. We're willing to pay for the event if it is, in fact, still our responsibility as the bride's parents. Please advise. -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, ANDERSON, IND.

DEAR MOTHER OF THE BRIDE: There is a common misconception that it is the RESPONSIBILITY of the bride's parents to pay for her wedding. Not true. Assuming the cost of the wedding is a GIFT to the couple, not an obligation. Many couples today are both working and pay for all or part of their wedding themselves. If you do not wish to foot the bill for the shindig, no rule of etiquette says you have to.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I chose to permanently take in my cousin "Martha's" 11-year-old daughter, "Stella." She is smart as a whip and has a heart as big as Texas. My problem is, what should I do about Martha's other child, Stella's 8-year-old brother, "Carl"?

We are adopting Stella with no opposition from family. Martha neglects Carl as she did Stella, but refuses to give him up because she says she actually wanted to have Carl as opposed to her daughter. Stella would like us to adopt her brother, too, and becomes almost hysterical when we try to explain that it isn't possible right now.

I need an outside opinion. Should we consider adopting this other child? We already have my biological son with us full time. Help! -- WORRIED UP NORTH

DEAR WORRIED: If you believe that Carl is being neglected or that Martha is an unfit mother, it should be reported immediately to children's services. If they investigate and find there is cause, Stella's brother will be removed from the house.

However, whether you are in a position to adopt him is something on which you and your husband can decide. It will be an expensive undertaking, emotionally and financially, and there may be repercussions within the family. You should consult the attorney who is assisting you in Stella's adoption.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letters you print about acts of kindness. Twenty-two years ago, while I was pregnant with my first child, my husband and I decided we'd take a quick trip to East Canyon Dam in Utah to play at the lake and spend the night. We took the food and supplies we thought we'd need. It was summer, the weather had been great and we planned to sleep under the stars.

As luck would have it, we were hit with an unexpected storm so severe we were unable to drive back down the canyon in the dark. We sought shelter in our tiny car, hoping the storm would die down. The next thing we knew, someone was knocking on our car window.

It was a man inviting us to come into his and his wife's camper out of the downpour. They couldn't stand to see us out in our car in the cold.

We accepted their invitation to stay warm and dry in their camper, and the next morning we all had breakfast together. I wrote down their names and address as we thanked them and left for home. I sent them a thank-you card later, but it was returned as undeliverable.

If they read this, I want them to know I think of them often and I'm still grateful for their act of kindness. The memory of their generosity inspires me to reach out a hand to others. -- J. CRAWLEY, AMERICAN FORK, UTAH

DEAR J. CRAWLEY: You and your husband were indeed fortunate that night. When I started reading your letter, I became concerned that you might be describing a plot from a "Friday the 13th" film. But as I continued I realized that it reminded me more of a story from the New Testament in which a caring innkeeper allowed another young, expectant couple to take shelter for the night in his barn. Your letter is a testimonial to the fact that an act of spontaneous generosity can have benefits that last far beyond when it's offered.