DEAR ABBY: A former longtime friend, "Gladys," and I have been estranged for the past 10 years. It is a complicated situation, but generally it involved her divorce and later involvement with a married man.

While I am not a prude, there were some moral and ethical breaches on her part which made it uncomfortable for me to be in her company. We stopped calling or seeing each other.

Gladys has now become quite ill and may not survive. My dilemma is whether I should pay my respects to her family at the time of her death. I have known them all for many years. -- REMAINING NAMELESS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR REMAINING NAMELESS: Funerals are supposed to provide comfort for the living, and I don't see how the presence of someone who describes herself as a "former" friend of their loved one would achieve that.

I have a suggestion. Why not pick up the phone, call Gladys and tell her how sorry you were to learn of her illness? Whether you approved of her divorce and affair, you have years of history together, and it would be better for both of you to make peace while there's still time.

DEAR ABBY: I work in the office of an elementary school. There is a lot to do, and I am frequently interrupted. While I enjoy conversations with parents and students, my problem is a few parents who want to engage in lengthy conversations -- usually detailing personal problems.

One parent comes in daily, and I haven't found an effective way to extricate myself from these conversations. Walking out of the office is not an option. A ringing phone is not a deterrent as some parents will just stand there, wait until I finish and continue talking.

Have you any suggestions on how to politely let these parents know I have a job to do? -- JOB INTERRUPTED OUT WEST

DEAR JOB INTERRUPTED: Allow me to offer one: How about telling them you're behind in your work and you haven't the time to talk that day. Period. Unless you become more assertive, these people will continue to monopolize your time, make you less effective and possibly jeopardize your job.

DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old daughter, "Andrea," moved out of the house at 17. She has been living with her fiance ever since. They plan to be married this summer, and my question is: Because she left our house of her own free will, is it still my husband's and my responsibility as her parents to pay for their wedding?

She has been living with her boyfriend, already has one child and is now pregnant with twins. We feel their wedding should be their expense to bear. We're willing to pay for the event if it is, in fact, still our responsibility as the bride's parents. Please advise. -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, ANDERSON, IND.

DEAR MOTHER OF THE BRIDE: There is a common misconception that it is the RESPONSIBILITY of the bride's parents to pay for her wedding. Not true. Assuming the cost of the wedding is a GIFT to the couple, not an obligation. Many couples today are both working and pay for all or part of their wedding themselves. If you do not wish to foot the bill for the shindig, no rule of etiquette says you have to.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I chose to permanently take in my cousin "Martha's" 11-year-old daughter, "Stella." She is smart as a whip and has a heart as big as Texas. My problem is, what should I do about Martha's other child, Stella's 8-year-old brother, "Carl"?

We are adopting Stella with no opposition from family. Martha neglects Carl as she did Stella, but refuses to give him up because she says she actually wanted to have Carl as opposed to her daughter. Stella would like us to adopt her brother, too, and becomes almost hysterical when we try to explain that it isn't possible right now.

I need an outside opinion. Should we consider adopting this other child? We already have my biological son with us full time. Help! -- WORRIED UP NORTH

DEAR WORRIED: If you believe that Carl is being neglected or that Martha is an unfit mother, it should be reported immediately to children's services. If they investigate and find there is cause, Stella's brother will be removed from the house.

However, whether you are in a position to adopt him is something on which you and your husband can decide. It will be an expensive undertaking, emotionally and financially, and there may be repercussions within the family. You should consult the attorney who is assisting you in Stella's adoption.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letters you print about acts of kindness. Twenty-two years ago, while I was pregnant with my first child, my husband and I decided we'd take a quick trip to East Canyon Dam in Utah to play at the lake and spend the night. We took the food and supplies we thought we'd need. It was summer, the weather had been great and we planned to sleep under the stars.

As luck would have it, we were hit with an unexpected storm so severe we were unable to drive back down the canyon in the dark. We sought shelter in our tiny car, hoping the storm would die down. The next thing we knew, someone was knocking on our car window.

It was a man inviting us to come into his and his wife's camper out of the downpour. They couldn't stand to see us out in our car in the cold.

We accepted their invitation to stay warm and dry in their camper, and the next morning we all had breakfast together. I wrote down their names and address as we thanked them and left for home. I sent them a thank-you card later, but it was returned as undeliverable.

If they read this, I want them to know I think of them often and I'm still grateful for their act of kindness. The memory of their generosity inspires me to reach out a hand to others. -- J. CRAWLEY, AMERICAN FORK, UTAH

DEAR J. CRAWLEY: You and your husband were indeed fortunate that night. When I started reading your letter, I became concerned that you might be describing a plot from a "Friday the 13th" film. But as I continued I realized that it reminded me more of a story from the New Testament in which a caring innkeeper allowed another young, expectant couple to take shelter for the night in his barn. Your letter is a testimonial to the fact that an act of spontaneous generosity can have benefits that last far beyond when it's offered.

DEAR ABBY: "Charlotte" and I dated happily for six years before we married. Now, after only a few months, she finds almost everything about me wrong. For example, I offered to trim her toenails, not because I thought they looked bad but because I thought she might appreciate it. She became upset with me and accused me of criticizing her appearance.

This kind of thing happens every week. I feel uneasy about saying anything to her. All I'm trying to do is show her how much I love her and that I'm there for her. Charlotte is beautiful. She's 51 but looks 40. I'm 61 and look 61. Have you any advice for me? We have both been married twice before. -- TRYING TO BE THE PERFECT HUSBAND IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TRYING: What a sad situation. Not knowing Charlotte, I can't comment on her quirks. Has she always been sensitive about her appearance or is this something new? Has your behavior changed since the wedding? In other words, could you be trying so hard to please her that it is off-putting?

Please consider this, and if her fault-finding continues, see if she will agree to marriage counseling. Whatever is happening between you, without some mediation, neither of you will be happier in this marriage than you were in the two that preceded it.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17, and my younger brother is 16. He is already a father, and when he goes out with his friends, he ends up getting in trouble. I have tried to explain to him that he needs to stay away from those "friends" and think about his baby. He was arrested four days after the baby was born, and he just got out of jail.

I have already told him I don't want to visit him in jail again, and I don't want my nephew to grow up without a dad. What can I say so that he can stay out of trouble? -- BIG SISTER IN DODGE CITY, KAN.

DEAR BIG SISTER: Although you are only a year older, you appear to be a lot more emotionally mature than your brother. Somehow it seems he has not yet grasped the fact that irresponsible actions bring about consequences. While I appreciate your desire to protect him from himself, it is just not possible. I'm sorry to say that some people have to learn their lessons the hard way, and your brother appears to be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: My only child will graduate in June, and we are faced with a problem. My mentally ill sister -- who has a history of making scenes -- wants to attend the graduation ceremony. She has spoiled many family celebrations. It makes no difference to her where or when she "goes off."

Although I believe in forgiveness, I don't want to take the chance that she will ruin the day my son graduates. There is a growing rift in the family over this, and I welcome your advice. -- MOTHER OF THE GRADUATE

DEAR MOTHER: I assume that your sister cannot control her emotions and behavior. Tickets to most graduation ceremonies are strictly limited, and if you have reason to believe that her presence will be disruptive, you should not invite her. If you are planning a celebration for extended family and friends afterward, she can be included as long as someone is assigned to watch over her and will escort her out if she creates a scene.