DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman with a baby due in June. This will be my parents' first grandchild, and they are over the moon.

I have a full-time job, but I live with them because I go to school part-time. After paying tuition and other bills, I can't afford to live on my own. Moving out is not an option right now.

The problem is my father's drinking. He starts early in the afternoon and continues until bedtime. He is retired and doesn't think he has a problem.

I mentioned to my mother tonight that if he thinks I will let him hold my child after he's been drinking, he has another think coming. Mom informed me that it is none of my business! When I said it is my child and that makes it my business, she just nodded. She doesn't know what to do about it, and I don't either.

I love my dad, but I have to be a responsible parent, and that means putting my child's welfare first. I want Dad to be a part of my child's life, but not when he is in a stupor every night. How do I tell him that his drinking will affect his role as a grandparent? -- EXPECTANT MOM IN WISCONSIN

DEAR EXPECTANT MOM: You tell him in plain English, preferably in the morning while he's still sober, and do not allow yourself to be dissuaded. If necessary, make outside arrangements for child care if you cannot be present to supervise because it appears your mother has no influence over your father's actions. I'm sure you are a good daughter, but in your new role as a parent you MUST protect your child because he or she will be completely dependent on you.

Both you and your mother could benefit by joining Al-Anon, an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous that supports friends and families who are affected by a loved one with a drinking problem. It is listed in most telephone directories or can be contacted through � HYPERLINK "http://www.al-anon.alateen.org" ��www.al-anon.alateen.org� for the location of the nearest chapter. Please don't wait. Because your dad is in denial, you are going to need all of the support you can get.

DEAR ABBY: My father has always been a caring parent. Even after he and Mom divorced, he was there for my sister and me.

A few months ago, I found out that we may have a half-brother from an affair Dad had with a married woman. Rumor has it that the guy is a dead ringer for my father.

Would it be wrong to approach Dad and ask about this potential half-brother, or should I just let sleeping dogs lie? -- OLDER SISTER IN MAINE

DEAR OLDER SISTER: I see no reason why you shouldn't tell your father what you heard and ask if it's true. Not all rumors are true -- and he may be as surprised as you to hear the news if his married girlfriend didn't tell him she had conceived his child.

DEAR ABBY: How do you refer to someone who is in your family through marriage, but is not your in-law? If I'm talking about "my son's wife's mother," is there a quicker way to say it? -- MAGGIE IN NEW YORK CITY

DEAR MAGGIE: Definitely! Refer to her as "my daughter-in-law's mother."

DEAR ABBY: The way my mother dresses has me so embarrassed I don't want to be seen in public with her. Her hair looks as if she's stuck her finger in a light socket, her clothes are three sizes too big, she wears no makeup. It looks as if she just rolled out of bed, no matter where she is going.

Mom held a dinner party for my birthday, and even my boyfriend did a double take when he walked in and saw her wearing a giant T-shirt that came to her mid-thigh. Abby, she wasn't even wearing a bra! When I mentioned it to her the next day, she just laughed it off.

I take pride in my appearance. I realize that not everyone is as concerned as I am about their appearance. But shouldn't she respect others enough to at least look decent? Am I being conceited, or should she be given a makeover? -- MORTIFIED IN EUGENE

DEAR MORTIFIED: Has your mother always been unkempt and careless about her appearance, or is this something new? If it's something new, then she does not need a makeover; she needs a checkup from her doctor. If she has always presented herself this way, then I doubt she is open to change. Makeovers can work wonders, but they are successful only if the person is willing to admit that one is needed.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother died while I was out of the country on a two-week vacation. My dad left when I was in second grade, and she raised me along with my mother. We were very close. I always took care of her and made time to spend with her.

Although she had been in poor health for two years, Grandma was not in critical condition when I left. She passed away three days before I was to return, and my family held her funeral the day before I arrived.

I had expressed my wishes that they wait if at all possible. They did not, and I feel betrayed. We have always been close, and now I am so hurt and angry that I don't even want to see them. Can you offer any advice? -- CRUSHED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR CRUSHED: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. It is regrettable that the funeral could not be postponed, but there may have been extenuating circumstances.

Your feelings of anger are a part of your grieving process, and it is important that you work them through. It would be helpful for you to discuss this with your clergyperson so he or she can guide you to a grief support group. Please don't wait. The sooner you resolve this, the better it will be for you and your family, who I am sure are also grieving.

DEAR ABBY: When dining out and someone asks for the salt (or any other item at the table) should you (a) use it first and then pass it, or (b) pass it first and then ask for it back? -- BETH IN WOODSTOCK, ILL.

DEAR BETH: When someone asks you to pass the salt, you should hand both the salt and pepper shakers at the same time, without helping yourself first. The same goes for any other item.

DEAR ABBY: I am 8 years old, and I love science. I am writing you because when I go to the doughnut shop, they always give me paper bags when I order my doughnut to eat there. I also notice other people getting bags they don't need because they are eating their doughnuts there, too.

How many trees have to die for no reason?

I care about recycling and how long it takes for things to break down in the earth. What can I do so the doughnut shop will stop wasting bags? -- MANDI IN SCARSDALE, N.Y.

DEAR MANDI: I respect the fact that you are conscientious about how your actions -- and the actions of the people around you -- affect the environment. You are a sharp young lady.

What you should do is speak to the manager of the doughnut shop. Tell him or her that these days a strong selling point in many businesses is that they are "going green." In the case of the doughnut shop, it would cost them less and even gain them more customers if they would stop handing out bags to customers who are eating their doughnuts on the premises and tell them why. (A piece of waxed paper would suffice and create less waste.)

Readers, if you are interested in how long it takes the items we toss into our landfills to decompose, I found the following illuminating. Read on:

Paper ................... 2 to 5 months

Orange peels ............ 6 months

Milk cartons ............ 5 years

Filter-tip cigarettes ... 10 to 12 years

Plastic bags ............ 10 to 20 years

Leather shoes ........... 24 to 40 years

Plastic containers ...... 50 to 80 years

Disposable diapers ...... 75 years

Tin cans ................ 100 years

Aluminum cans ........... 200 to 500 years

Styrofoam ............... Never

DEAR ABBY: I'm having a problem with my next door neighbors. We just purchased a wonderful historical home located in an awesome neighborhood. My problem is, after we moved in, we realized that these people are exhibitionists. They have no window coverings in their home, which has large windows on all sides. At night you can see all the way through to the other side.

Our home has no back door, so when we need to let our dog out, we must walk along the driveway. We refer to it as "walking the gauntlet." This couple eats their breakfast at a table next to the side window dressed only in their night clothes. At 7 a.m., I am in my robe. Should I wave or hang my head in shame?

I know I should have checked the neighbors out before we bought. I come from a rural area, but still, I had blinds. Flaunting my nightwear or my husband's is kind of personal. Please advise. -- PUT OFF IN TEXAS

DEAR PUT OFF: There is nothing shameful or exhibitionistic about wearing one's pajamas to the breakfast table. If the sight of your neighbors' nightwear embarrasses you, plant a lovely, lush, fast-growing hedge between your driveway and their kitchen.