DEAR ABBY: My parents have been married for 60 years. My father has always been physically, verbally and mentally abusive to my mother. My mother is also verbally and mentally abusive to my father.

Because of the violence, Dad is now on probation for two years. They will not divorce or live separately, but continue with their sick relationship. I know we can't help them, but what can we do to save ourselves from being drawn into it? They are both masters at drawing us into it. -- DEVASTATED ADULT CHILDREN OF CRAZY PARENTS

DEAR CHILDREN: As loving, caring children you cannot, at least on some level, avoid being drawn in to some extent. However, it may be less wrenching for you if you consider that both your parents have been getting something out of this sick relationship or it would have ended years ago.

Some people mistake pain and violence for love and passion, and your folks may fall into this category. But if their dysfunctional relationship is preventing you from enjoying your own lives, then what you should do is talk about it with a psychotherapist, because at this late date, your father and mother aren't going to change.

DEAR ABBY: I am 22, and a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I must inject myself with insulin four times a day. If I am going to be away from home for more than a few hours, I must bring my insulin and other supplies with me.

When I'm in public -- like in a restaurant -- I feel as though going off alone to inject myself is denying a part of who I am, so I choose to remain visible when I inject. What is your take on this? I have never seen anyone else do it in plain view, but I would like to because diabetes is nothing to be ashamed of. People often ask questions when I do it, and I'm happy to answer them and to spread awareness.

Do you agree that accepting a disease like this is more easily achieved when one is not isolating oneself? -- UNASHAMED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNASHAMED: Yes, I do -- and I have seen someone with diabetes inject himself while seated at a dinner table. My initial reaction was one of concern, and I am sure that is how others would react as well. Having a disease like diabetes is nothing to be ashamed of, and whether you choose to inject your insulin in public is a personal choice, depending upon how comfortable a person feels about it.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper way to eat bacon in a restaurant? My son says that bacon is finger food and can be picked up with your fingers.

I like to cut the bacon strips into bite-sized pieces that can fit on a fork to be eaten without getting my fingers greasy. -- MOTHER KNOWS BEST

DEAR MOTHER: It depends upon how you like your bacon cooked. According to Emily Post, bacon can be eaten as a finger food "when it is dry, crisp and served whole. If the bacon is broken into bits, served in thick slices (as with Canadian bacon) or limp, eat it with knife and fork as you would any other meat."

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law passed away in 2002 and had a friend I'll call "Roy," who was his skiing buddy. This "friend" now comes to Canada every winter for a 10-day vacation. He expects us to drive him to his destination two hours away, over icy roads and at times blizzard-like conditions, leave him there for a week, return the following weekend at night, stay the weekend and then host him for two to three days.

Abby, this is a busy time of year for me. It is not our vacation time. My husband thinks it's no big deal, but I feel differently. I have tried to get my husband to stop this "chauffeur" duty back and forth each year, to no avail. This year, Roy will be spending an extra two nights at our home. I am too busy to entertain, cook meals, etc. Please advise! -- TRAPPED IN CALGARY

DEAR TRAPPED: Look at it this way. To your husband, Roy is a living link to his deceased father. That may be the reason he does not regard Roy's annual visits as an imposition.

Because you do, and you need to concentrate on your business, encourage your husband to take Roy to the slopes, spend the weekend with him and bring him home. Playing hostess for a night or two shouldn't be too much to ask -- and the bulk of the load will be off your shoulders.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are in their 70s. Both are generous and loving. Over the years Mom has refused to accept any act of generosity or gift, large or small, from any of her children. This includes birthdays, their anniversary and all major holidays. In the past, she would return our gifts to the mall.

In recent years we have resorted to giving her and Dad gift cards or food because they can't be returned. Each time we do we get a lecture from her in a reprimanding tone, telling us we "spent too much." (We're a practical clan; we do not spend a lot of money or buy anything lavish.) Following the reprimand, Mother then passes out large checks to each of us and our children.

Aside from the holidays, Mom will not accept a dinner invitation at my home. When one of us hosts a family party, she insists on writing a check to cover the cost of the food. When we're out for an occasional lunch or dinner, she grabs the check and becomes upset if one of us tries to pay for it.

We're all mature adults with good incomes. This quirk of hers has become frustrating and embarrassing. Does Mom have low self-esteem and can't accept an act of generosity, or is she a control freak? If we eliminated the gift-giving, she would still continue doling out the checks. What can we do? -- OVER IT IN RACINE, WIS.

DEAR OVER IT: Your mother is obviously well-fixed. She sees her role as matriarch of your family, and part of that role is being a provider. On some level, she may feel that anything you spend on her would be better spent on yourselves and your children.

The IRS allows a certain amount of money to be given as a gift every year, tax-free. The checks your mother is handing out may be her way of trying to transfer wealth within the family.

My advice is to graciously accept her generosity. At this point you're not going to change your mother. You can, however, change the way you are reacting to her and love her, quirk and all.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A happy Easter to all of you!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: We recently got together with extended family to celebrate a child's birthday at a family-oriented restaurant. One of the adults began bragging about how she had saved money because she paid for only one salad plate from the "all you can eat" salad bar.

When she finished eating her salad, she passed her plate to another family member, who then had his fill and passed the plate along until all their immediate family members had eaten.

We told her it was dishonest, that she's stealing food from the restaurant because she didn't pay for all the salads that were actually consumed by her family. She claimed that it wasn't dishonest because it's "all" you can eat. This has caused a huge disagreement within the family. What say you? -- STEAMED AT THE SALAD BAR IN COLORADO

DEAR STEAMED: Of course it's dishonest; it's stealing. The sign read, "All you can eat," not "All you and your family can eat -- for the price of one."

I don't know what this person's financial status is, but from where I sit, she appears to be morally bankrupt, and she's passing along her lack of ethics to the next generation. Keep your distance. Folks like this are apt to help themselves to anything that isn't nailed down.

DEAR ABBY: I have a rare autoimmune disease that will end my life within a couple of years. After not dating for 15 years, I met a wonderful man. Even though I tried not to, we fell in love. I think I should break it off with him because he has lost two wives to cancer and I don't want him hurt again.

Right now my health is still halfway decent, and we can go out and have a great time together. But all that's going to happen is we will grow closer and closer, and he's the one who will lose in the long run.

He doesn't deserve to lose someone else he loves. It's not fair. Is it wrong to keep dating him, or should I break it off while we still have good memories? -- SLOWLY DYING IN TEXAS

DEAR SLOWLY DYING: Is this gentleman aware of your illness and the prognosis? If the answer is yes, then he is fully aware of what will eventually happen -- and you should allow him to have a say in whether the relationship continues or not. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, next week or next year. My advice is to enjoy every precious minute you have together to the fullest, stop feeling guilty about it and live in the present.

DEAR ABBY: I am 6 feet, 5 inches tall and weigh 240. My wife is 5 feet, 8 inches and weighs 140. We sleep in a queen-sized bed and have always had a playful debate about "my" side of the bed.

She contends that she should have half the bed, but I say I deserve more space because I'm bigger -- therefore, the bed should be divided 60/40. Marriage isn't always 50-50, right? -- GOING BY THE NUMBERS, LAKE CHARLES, LA.

DEAR GOING BY THE NUMBERS: No, sometimes marriage is 90/10. While you may be "entitled" to only 50 percent of the bed, the fact is that the size differential between you and your wife is so great that you need some extra real estate. So ask her to be gracious and grant you an easement. Either that or invest in a larger bed.

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