DEAR ABBY: We recently got together with extended family to celebrate a child's birthday at a family-oriented restaurant. One of the adults began bragging about how she had saved money because she paid for only one salad plate from the "all you can eat" salad bar.

When she finished eating her salad, she passed her plate to another family member, who then had his fill and passed the plate along until all their immediate family members had eaten.

We told her it was dishonest, that she's stealing food from the restaurant because she didn't pay for all the salads that were actually consumed by her family. She claimed that it wasn't dishonest because it's "all" you can eat. This has caused a huge disagreement within the family. What say you? -- STEAMED AT THE SALAD BAR IN COLORADO

DEAR STEAMED: Of course it's dishonest; it's stealing. The sign read, "All you can eat," not "All you and your family can eat -- for the price of one."

I don't know what this person's financial status is, but from where I sit, she appears to be morally bankrupt, and she's passing along her lack of ethics to the next generation. Keep your distance. Folks like this are apt to help themselves to anything that isn't nailed down.

DEAR ABBY: I have a rare autoimmune disease that will end my life within a couple of years. After not dating for 15 years, I met a wonderful man. Even though I tried not to, we fell in love. I think I should break it off with him because he has lost two wives to cancer and I don't want him hurt again.

Right now my health is still halfway decent, and we can go out and have a great time together. But all that's going to happen is we will grow closer and closer, and he's the one who will lose in the long run.

He doesn't deserve to lose someone else he loves. It's not fair. Is it wrong to keep dating him, or should I break it off while we still have good memories? -- SLOWLY DYING IN TEXAS

DEAR SLOWLY DYING: Is this gentleman aware of your illness and the prognosis? If the answer is yes, then he is fully aware of what will eventually happen -- and you should allow him to have a say in whether the relationship continues or not. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, next week or next year. My advice is to enjoy every precious minute you have together to the fullest, stop feeling guilty about it and live in the present.

DEAR ABBY: I am 6 feet, 5 inches tall and weigh 240. My wife is 5 feet, 8 inches and weighs 140. We sleep in a queen-sized bed and have always had a playful debate about "my" side of the bed.

She contends that she should have half the bed, but I say I deserve more space because I'm bigger -- therefore, the bed should be divided 60/40. Marriage isn't always 50-50, right? -- GOING BY THE NUMBERS, LAKE CHARLES, LA.

DEAR GOING BY THE NUMBERS: No, sometimes marriage is 90/10. While you may be "entitled" to only 50 percent of the bed, the fact is that the size differential between you and your wife is so great that you need some extra real estate. So ask her to be gracious and grant you an easement. Either that or invest in a larger bed.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have recently enjoyed the success of having my first book published. However, this achievement has begun to change my life in ways I hadn't expected.

I am a somewhat shy and reflective person by nature, preferring to live quietly rather than being in the spotlight. Having the freedom to spend time with my family and to enjoy the little things in life is more important to me than success. However, since my book's debut, I have felt myself pulled into a different sort of world.

I am meeting more "important" people than I can remember, and I am struggling to keep up. My inbox is inundated with questions, appointments and invitations. I am expected at speaking events and signings that don't feel entirely authentic. I know I would be an idiot not to embrace these opportunities, but I am becoming more and more uncomfortable and stressed. Maybe this just isn't me.

How can I be who I am without feeling like a disappointment to those who believe in me? -- NOT WHAT I EXPECTED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NOT: For your own sake, it is important that you stop being so self-critical. There is more to being a successful author than just writing. You are among the lucky few who has been published, and you now have a responsibility to yourself and to your publisher to promote your work and do public relations.

This is a window of opportunity that won't last indefinitely, and it's important that you recognize that fact. In case no one has mentioned it, every business involves relationships. Meeting people of all kinds will prove valuable to you in the future -- long after the hoopla of this book has died down.

Stop saying this isn't you because it IS you. And if your schedule is too stressful, cut it back a little.

DEAR ABBY: I am wondering about the practicality of contacting my ex-wife about our unmarried, middle-aged daughter, "Della." Our daughter is an attractive (when she wants to be), well-educated woman who has her own business and has never given either of us cause for concern. However, some of the decisions Della has made in the last year or so have not reflected what I consider to be basic common sense.

Two of the decisions involved considerable amounts of money. Others involve day-to-day dealings with people in general. I have occasionally spoken up and raised questions about the decisions she has made, but Della seems to neither understand nor appreciate my point of view.

There is nothing illegal or unethical about what my daughter is doing, but her naivete at times makes her an easy mark for people who don't have her best interests at heart.

Should I express my concern to Della's mother? She doesn't see our daughter as often as I do. My ex and I have not talked for a long, long time. -- IGNORE IT, OR NOT? SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR "IG": If you would like to talk to your ex-wife, by all means call her. But if she has less contact with your daughter than you do, she isn't going to be able to influence her, either.

Della is an adult, and sometimes experience is the most effective teacher. People often learn more from their mistakes than they do their successes. Perhaps after your daughter makes a few more poor choices she will be more receptive to listening to the voice of experience.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was pleased that you advised "Remorseful in Georgia" (Jan. 27) to find another outlet for her guilt and "leave the scab alone." I was recently contacted by my fiance's former girlfriend, a woman who had made several attempts to break us up when we first became a couple. Although she apologized for the problems she tried so hard to cause between us, all it did was dredge the feelings of anger and anxiety up again. She was calling for purely selfish reasons -- not to give me the chance to confront her, but under the guise of "wanting to be friends." Whatever made her think I would want her friendship?!

If "Remorseful" needs a way to rid herself of her guilt, I recommend she get therapy. She may be trying to escape her karma. In my experience, she can run, but she can't hide. -- UNTOUCHABLE IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNTOUCHABLE: Some readers felt I should have preached forgiveness, and they referenced AA and the Bible -- both of which advocate making amends to those we have harmed in the past. They may or may not be right, but I saw no reason for "Remorseful" to transfer her burden of guilt to the shoulders of the person she wronged -- just in case that woman didn't have the inner strength to be forgiving. However, read on:

DEAR ABBY: Sorry, but I don't agree with your reply to "Remorseful." It's never too late to say "I'm sorry," no matter what the offense. The words don't benefit only the person carrying the guilt. Someone who has been hurt in such a traumatic fashion needs to know that his or her pain has finally been acknowledged, even 20 years later.

Those women will never be friends. But "Remorseful" admitting her part in the betrayal, albeit without comparing it to her own past pain, could start both women on a journey to emotional healing. I am sure that's why AA and similar support groups stress the need to seek forgiveness for past wrongs as one of the steps to keeping it together. -- DIANE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR ABBY: I was in the same situation as "Remorseful." Although my husband and I had been divorced for years, I still felt I needed to apologize to his former wife. I finally summoned up the nerve to place the call. I told her who I was, how sorry I was for the pain I had caused her and asked for forgiveness.

She was gracious. She laughed and said, "Honey, you did me the biggest favor anyone has ever done for me. You took him off my hands!" We laughed, we cried and had a wonderful conversation. I'm so glad I made that call. -- RELIEVED IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Remorseful" -- the gal who feels guilt from 20 years ago for an affair she had. Why do women always feel the need to apologize for things that MEN do? The man was the adult here. The gal was 20 and living in a fantasyland of happily ever after. If the ex-wife feels anger, she should direct it where it is needed -- at the HUSBAND, not the young girl lured in with fake promises.

Get over it! If the ex-wife is so stupid as to be bitter over a failed marriage from 20 years ago -- that she herself probably had a hand in the demise of -- then it's HER problem and not "Remorseful's." Stop letting the men off the hook. The husband didn't care, so why should she? -- SUE FROM MESA, ARIZ.