DEAR ABBY: I am writing about your response to "John in Savannah" (Feb. 1), the 24-year-old man who is unsure how to explain to people that using a belt to discipline his three little girls is different from abuse.

Sometimes, in order to teach that actions or behaviors are inappropriate, some form of punishment, whether it's a spanking or a time-out, becomes necessary. I give my children three chances when they misbehave. If they continue, they are punished. They know that there will be consequences if they do wrong. Like John's children, mine are also frequently praised for being courteous and well-behaved.

Small children do not understand long-term punishment like grounding, taking away toys, etc. By the time the duration of that kind of discipline has passed, the child has forgotten the reason for it. For young children to understand the consequences of wrong behavior, the measures must be swift and short-term.

John should answer those who ask by saying he uses "consistent discipline accompanied by corporal punishment when necessary." If more parents did the same as John and me, we'd have fewer behavior problems in schools. -- MOM IN CONTROL IN GAINESVILLE

DEAR MOM IN CONTROL: Thank you for commenting. However, I stand by my position that there are more effective ways to discipline a child than by using physical punishment. After printing "John in Savannah's" letter, I was flooded with mail from parents and adult children across the country. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Are John's children obeying because they are making good choices or because they are afraid of the belt? Also, does he realize how badly he is hurting his children, both physically and emotionally? When you strike someone with an object, you have no idea how hard you are really hitting. Also, the humiliation of being beaten could last those kids a lifetime.

Honestly, it takes more effort to come up with corrections other than spanking, but it is well worth it. We post our family rules and their consequences in plain view. Part of my son's allowance depends upon making good choices at home and at school. And yes -- it does work. My son just brought home his report card with excellent marks for conduct. -- POSITIVELY REINFORCING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I think a little "old-fashioned discipline" is in order. I am a preschool teacher, and I am appalled at what the 2- and 3-year-olds do and say. Swearing, hitting and disrespect are only a sampling of the things that have made my jaw drop. Time-outs, revocations of privileges and "talks" are laughed at, and the bad behavior is not curbed.

Parents allow their children to get away with things my mom would have screamed at me for, and we teachers get the fallout. My experiences as a baby sitter for older kids were much the same. Should we be "nice" to our children so they can grow up without boundaries? I think not. -- SACRAMENTO EDUCATOR

DEAR ABBY: My father used a leather slipper on me instead of a belt. He also used his hand and his impressive vocabulary to keep me in line. Was I afraid of him? Absolutely! Did I love him? I am still not sure. I grew up to be a woman who is afraid of men, afraid of making a mistake, afraid to share myself and my ideas, and generally timid about life.

John's daughters are learning that the way men in their lives show love is to beat them. He is setting his girls up to marry an abuser because they think abuse is normal behavior. I hope John realizes soon that fear and love cannot share the same space in a child's heart. -- SURVIVOR FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to share some hard-earned advice with your readers. The custom of making donations to a charity in honor of a loved one is common practice nowadays. Although I wholeheartedly support the idea, there can be "problems."

I have learned the hard way to always send a sympathy card to the family, indicating that I made the donation. A close friend's mother passed away, and I made a contribution to her favorite charity clearly indicating on the check "in memory of."

After six months of not receiving an acknowledgement, I politely asked my friend how many donations had been made in her mom's memory. Her answer was "none." When I explained to her that I had sent a donation and so had many other people, she phoned the charity. Their answer was, "Sorry, we forgot to mail out the list"!

On another occasion a relative informed me that my name wasn't on the list of donors. I told her to call the organization back because I had a canceled check. When she did, they informed her that the entire list hadn't printed out correctly. -- LESSON LEARNED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LESSON LEARNED: Thank you for writing. I'm sure your letter will raise some eyebrows. Readers, if you follow this advice, it could prevent some misunderstandings and hurt feelings, so file this information in your memory banks.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rollie," and I have an issue regarding his ex-wife, "Flora." She lives seven hours from us in the same city as their grown children. Rollie sometimes goes without me to spend time with the boys. I don't have a problem with not being included on these trips because I know my husband misses his sons and wants to spend "guy time" with them.

My issue is Rollie is too cheap to pay for a hotel -- although we do have the money -- so he stays with Flora. I don't consider myself a prude, but I find this unacceptable.

Can you give me your view? Supposedly, at least one of the "boys" is staying there, too. -- THE CURRENT MRS. IN JAMESTOWN, N.Y.

DEAR CURRENT MRS.: I can see both sides of this question. Rollie loves his money and you love Rollie, and his staying with his ex is a gut-level threat, whether real or imagined. Out of respect for your feelings, your husband should stay with one of his grown sons when he goes to visit. That way, he won't have to shell out any money, and you won't have to worry about appearances.

DEAR ABBY: I am 14, just got my first boyfriend, and I don't know how to tell my mom. I don't want to ask my friends because I don't want them to know that I haven't told my mom yet. She can be overprotective sometimes, and I'm afraid she will go crazy because her one and only daughter has her first boyfriend. I feel guilty because I don't want to lie and not tell her about him. Please help. -- DESPERATE IN LONGVIEW, TEXAS

DEAR DESPERATE: Many people your age see each other in groups. If the young man isn't already a part of your group of friends, start including him. That way, your mother can meet and get to know him, and the concept that you might like each other won't be threatening to her. I agree that she must be told because you are at an age when a daughter should be able to tell her mother anything.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old male living what appears to be "the dream." I have completed my bachelor's degree, and I'm starting what will more than likely be a prosperous career. Still, something important is missing.

All my life I have always felt very isolated. Although I have been able to develop "friendships," the more I progress in life the more these friendships slip away.

I have been unsuccessful in finding a mate, and I am embarrassed to still be a virgin. Is there something horribly wrong with me that drives people away? -- LONELY GUY, MONTREAL, CANADA

DEAR LONELY GUY: I doubt it. You have accomplished a lot for someone your age, and the way you did it was by focusing your energies on your studies rather than your social skills. Now that you are starting your career, begin joining business-affiliated groups so you can widen your circle of acquaintances. This will help both your business and social lives -- which will eventually blend together.

Give yourself some time and please do not obsess about the virginity issue. I am sure you will meet someone who will accept and value you for the person you are, and the condition will resolve itself.

DEAR ABBY: I own a motorcycle, which is my only means of transportation. The other day I had a conversation with a stranger who "needed" to tell me about someone she knew who was paralyzed in a motorcycle crash. This isn't the first time I have had this conversation. It seems that almost everyone knows someone who was killed or maimed in a bike crash.

Abby, I know there is an increased risk of personal injury where motorcycles are concerned, and the thought of it happening to me isn't a pleasant one. But why do people insist on telling me these horror stories? How should I respond to such insensitive statements? -- LOW RIDER IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOW RIDER: Some of them may be trying to warn you, while others may simply enjoy telling horror stories. The way to handle it is to say, "Thank you for your concern."

Now I have a question for you: Why are you engaging in lengthy conversations with complete strangers?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married a few weeks ago, and I hope you'll let me share with your readers what we did. Because we have both been married before, we didn't need any gifts from family and friends -- nor did we want a money tree.

Instead, we asked our guests to please bring nonperishable food items or a cash donation that would be given to our local food bank. A representative from the food bank was present to receive the food and donations.

Abby, the response was overwhelming! We had tables filled with food items. More than $600 in cash donations was given, and we are still receiving food and money to be forwarded to the food bank.

My husband and I feel truly blessed. God has been good to us, and we have been able to pass along those blessings to people who need help. I hope my letter will inspire others to assist their local community food banks in this unique way. -- BLESSED IN SOUTHERN OREGON

DEAR BLESSED: So do I because the need has never been greater. Here in Los Angeles, the people who run the food banks are reporting that requests for food assistance have increased by as much as 41 percent in the past year. What you and your husband did was caring and generous, and I, too, hope it will be replicated.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)