DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in high school. My family does not have a lot of money, but a lot of my friends' families do. (We have some money, but it's only enough to get by.) When my friends come to school with new clothes or concert tickets, I feel resentful because I can't afford them. I constantly compare myself to other girls and feel jealous of everyone around me. Is there anything I can do to combat this? -- JEALOUS OF EVERYONE IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR JEALOUS: I can think of few things so self-defeating as constantly comparing oneself to other people. No matter what income bracket a person is in, there will always be individuals who have more. Your worth as a person has nothing to do with what's in your closet, what's on your back or whether you can afford concert tickets.

One way to start feeling better about yourself would be to make a list of the qualities that make you special. You are obviously intelligent. Are you also a loyal friend? Are you sensitive to the feelings of other people? These important qualities will outlast any fashion fad -- and the popularity of most music groups, too. The more time you spend dwelling on the important qualities you have, the less time you'll waste being preoccupied with the material things you don't.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with a terrible secret for the past five years. I don't love my older son. He is very difficult and has been since infancy. Don't get me wrong -- I'd jump in front of a bus to save him -- but I don't like him.

I have a degree in psychology and have taught child development. I have taken parenting classes and read every book that's available on hard-to-manage children. But I have yet to find something that can help me, and I feel terribly alone. My husband tries, but he doesn't understand what it's like because he is mostly at work.

I am involved in parenting groups, playgroups, etc., but the other mothers all seem to be doing everything "better" than I am, and I have never heard any other mom admit to having negative feelings toward her kid.

What makes it worse is I adore my younger son and feel a special bond with him. I know this must be awful for the older boy because I'm sure he senses it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. But I don't know how to change what I feel. Abby, how can I change things? I desperately want to be the kind of mother my son deserves. -- ASHAMED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ASHAMED: Nowhere in your letter did you mention that you have taken your older son to a child psychiatrist for any sort of an evaluation. Children who are "very difficult" can sometimes have a physical or psychological disorder. There may even be a support group for you comprised of other parents who are experiencing the same feelings that you have.

It is important that you seek professional help for both of you. Your son may have a disorder, but until you find out the cause of the behavior that makes him "unlovable," there will be no help for either of you.

DEAR ABBY: I have known "Gloria" for two years. We met at work, hit it off immediately and became close friends. I love her dearly, and I'm devastated by what's happening to her. Gloria is dying of AIDS and now has a rare brain infection that has caused her to lose most of her faculties. She goes in and out of dementia, and her prognosis is two months.

I have been by Gloria's side so frequently that her family has "adopted" me. I help with her care and am the only one of her friends and co-workers who has visited since she took this turn.

My problem is, since I have been around Gloria's family, I have learned that nearly everything she has ever told me is untrue. She has flat-out lied about many things -- big and small -- that weren't even necessary to lie about. I feel like I don't know my friend at all and never did.

As sad as I am to see Gloria suffering and dying, I am hurt and angry that I was repeatedly deceived by someone I thought was my friend. I keep telling myself it shouldn't matter now, but the more the truth comes out, the harder it is for me to go over there and help.

How can I get past this, forgive Gloria and get back to the business of helping her in her final weeks? -- WOUNDED IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR WOUNDED: People lie for many reasons. Some of them do it because they are ashamed to tell the truth. Others lie out of fear or to gain an advantage, and some people do it because they can't help themselves. But somewhere in the tapestry of lies that this poor woman wove is a part of her authentic self. It is the part that made you identify with her in the first place.

What you are doing for Gloria now is both generous and emotionally wrenching. You do not deserve the "payoff" for your efforts to be spending the rest of your life resenting her for her shortcomings. You are giving her one of the most important gifts a person can give to another, but it is one that you are also giving to yourself. If you remember that, you will have no regrets.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is a widow living on a fixed income. From time to time various relatives have moved in with her. They offer limited financial assistance, but none appear inclined to keep the house in good repair.

I have gone beyond my financial limits to help Mama with emergencies, such as paying the light bill and making repairs to her house. My husband and I also clean up and do yard work over there. I am not an only child, but my siblings do not feel inclined to help out.

Yesterday, Mama again asked me for financial help to make repairs to the house. Did I mention there are four other people living there? While I never resent helping my mother, I sometimes do resent struggling to pay for upkeep and repairs to a home while other able-bodied adults living there benefit from my hard work. They are freeloading off my generosity.

Should I continue paying for my mother's house and mine? I have offered several times to let her move in with me, but she can't bear to give up her home. -- FEELING USED IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELING USED: It's time for you to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother and your siblings and explain that you are no longer willing to shoulder this responsibility all by yourself. Tell her that if she's going to receive further help from you, she must either inform her "houseguests" they must pony up and contribute financially and with the chores, or allow you to tell them on her behalf. You are all adults, and it's time that everyone started acting like it. Please understand that unless you are willing to draw the line, nothing will change.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to offer a suggestion to "Tired Mom in the City" (Jan. 17), whose baby's eight grandparents have overloaded the family with unneeded and redundant gifts. That mother should harness the generosity of those loving grandparents.

"Tired Mom" and her husband should set up a 529 college savings plan for their baby girl if they haven't already done so. It's a wonderful program that helps parents, family members and friends to save toward a child's college education. Those loving and obviously generous grandparents can contribute to the fund.

By contributing to their granddaughter's 529 fund, the grandparents will be giving a lifelong gift rather than an item that will be discarded or outgrown. They will be providing a college education for the child, and the parents will not be burdened by huge loans. -- MOM OF TWO IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR MOM OF TWO: Thank you for an excellent suggestion. Readers who are interested in setting up a 529 plan should consult their financial adviser or bank officer. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had the same problem with four sets of grandparents. We handled the duplication of gifts by having the grandparents keep them in THEIR homes so when it was their turn to baby-sit, or we visited them, they would have all the necessities at hand. "Tired Mom" might consider suggesting something similar. -- L.M. IN GREENWOOD, MO.

DEAR ABBY: My children received many gifts, but what they remember the most is the time they spent with their grandparents. Having a book read to them, visiting the aquarium, being pushed in a stroller for a walk around town and hearing the birds and smelling the flowers -- even the loving greeting one grandmother gave my little girls at the door when they visited -- these, not material things, were the "gifts" that counted the most. -- NO LONGER A TIRED MOM

DEAR ABBY: I set up an education account for each of my nine grandchildren. There is no better gift than a solid education that will enable my grandchildren to provide for themselves when they are grown.

My grandfather gave me stock when I was a child. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but the dividends from that stock paid for summer camp, college tuition and, eventually, a down payment on a house. What better way to establish your grandchildren and help them to achieve a better life? -- NANA OF NINE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ABBY: My grandparents were generous, too. What they lavished me with was time and attention. At Christmas and on birthdays, I received a small gift. But the really great gift -- which I didn't totally understand when I was young -- was a savings bond in my name. Those bonds added up over the years and helped to fund my college education.

I am 46 now. I remember how much they loved me and how concerned they were about my future. I still have some of the bonds my grandparents gave me tucked away for a rainy day. My husband and I are now continuing the tradition with our granddaughters. -- KELLY IN DECATUR, ILL.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)