DEAR ABBY: My new boyfriend, "Paul," and I seem to discover good qualities in each other every time we get together. I think he's wonderful. Recently, though, he said he has noticed something about me that he considers rude.

At the mall, I have always been irritated by kiosk salespeople who practically block your way to sample their product. I ignore these pushy merchants because they usually won't take no for an answer, even if I attempt to say, "No, thank you."

Paul thinks I'm being impolite, so he's the one who ends up being detained, trying to be kind, while I wait for him to finish apologizing for not wanting their product.

I don't feel my way of handling this is rude. I have told Paul he doesn't have to please everyone, act interested or waste his time at the kiosk. Who do you think is right? -- NOT RUDE IN HOUSTON

DEAR NOT RUDE: I agree with your boyfriend that to ignore someone is rude. However, rather than ignore these salespeople, a firm "Not interested" should be sufficient. And if the person persists, keep walking.

DEAR ABBY: It takes a lot for me to write, but I felt your response to "Quarters From Heaven" (Dec. 20) was unfeeling. I would imagine the smoke odor from her now-dead friend was fleeting. She didn't need a new room. The quarters, too, were a special reminder. After my father died, I kept finding pennies and nickels for several months.

My late husband, Jim, used the smell of coffee to let us know his spirit was close. I have been awakened twice at 2 or 3 a.m., and the third time it was 6 a.m. I was visiting friends at a lake house he loved and awoke to the strong smell of coffee. I went downstairs and said, "I had to get up. I could smell the coffee." My hostess replied, "I haven't started it yet." I said, "Oh, that Jim -- he's doing it to me again."

My son has a shed in the backyard that Jim helped build. He and his 8-year-old son were going out there and the boy said, "I smell coffee." My son said, "I do, too." They went back inside to tell his wife, and she said, "Don't you know your dad always had a cup of coffee he bought on the way here when he came to work on the shed?" When they went back out, the smell was gone.

There has also been a distinct scent of lavender a few times in our bedroom -- and this morning I smelled oatmeal for a few minutes. He liked to cook it, and I never do. Jim has been gone almost three years, and these reminders are on an occasional basis. It is their way of communicating. -- BARBARA IN WHITESBORO, N.Y.

DEAR BARBARA: I heard from quite a few readers who were unhappy about my answer to that letter. I should have stopped at offering my sympathy -- and if my reply caused hurt feelings, I sincerely apologize. We all have our own way of coping with loss, and if pennies from heaven, quarters -- even seeing butterflies -- brings comfort, I should not have discouraged it.

DEAR ABBY: Please help my husband and me settle an argument. He hates when I step out of the shower onto the bath mat to dry off, leaving it wet. I think that's what the bath mat is for. Who's right? -- LISA IN LEXINGTON, S.C.

DEAR LISA: You are. The alternative would be to step out of the shower onto a tile floor -- which could cause a slip and fall, or onto carpet, which would become moldy. After you have finished drying off, however, the bath mat should be hung up to dry.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl -- a straight-A student in the eighth grade. Most of my teachers like me, but I am overscheduled.

I do swimming five times a week. To prepare for the Advanced Placement test, I have German lessons every Wednesday. I have orchestra rehearsal every Saturday morning and sailing class every Sunday. I also take private violin lessons that I must practice for.

I love swimming, but if I go less often, I will be kicked off the team. The German class is something my mom insists on, and I don't mind it too much. I like being musical, and my violin teacher insists I play in the orchestra. Sailing is my passion. I am nationally ranked, and it keeps me going.

I manage this schedule, but some time for myself would be much appreciated. Any ideas, Abby? -- STRESSED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STRESSED: It appears you excel at everything, and frankly, just reading your schedule makes me tired. While all of your activities will look good on a college application, you do appear to be overscheduled. A talk with a school counselor might help you better prioritize your interests -- and that's what I recommend you do before you burn out.

DEAR ABBY: I am living with a great guy. "Phil" is a sweetheart. He has two nice kids, a good job and we are talking about marriage. We travel, have fun and I have never been happier.

Here's my problem: My son, "Danny," a college senior, will most likely need to move back home in May. I love him, but I must admit he is self-centered, depressing and uncooperative. I suppose much of it is his father's and my fault.

Phil does not want Danny to move in after graduation. He feels the decision is not about choosing between him and my son, but about choosing between my son and me.

I can envision a wonderful future with Phil, but I can't imagine telling my son that he is on his own. My heart tells me I'm a mother first and must provide for my son no matter what. In the back of my mind I suspect that if I don't, I'll regret it forever. I see no middle ground. Can you? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: The first thing that comes to mind is that Danny should move in with his father. If that is not feasible, then you, Phil and Danny must sit down together and talk like adults.

You stated that you live with Phil -- not the other way around. If it is Phil's house, he is under no obligation to have your son as a long-term houseguest. If he does agree, he has a right to know that Danny will be there under certain conditions, for a limited period of time and have it in writing.

Among today's realities is the fact that the job market is difficult, and not all college graduates are able to find jobs in their chosen fields. A certain amount of compromise will be necessary on all your parts.

DEAR ABBY: I run a "coupon swap" in my office. Subsequently, at the end of each week, I am left with numerous unwanted coupons. Can you give me any ideas on how to put these "leftovers" to good use? -- THRIFTY SHOPPER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR THRIFTY SHOPPER: Gladly. Donate them to a church, shelter, food bank or a nursing home. I'm sure they would be appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dwight," was very ill a few years ago. Some wonderful folks held a fundraiser to help us with bills and unpaid leave. We paid all of the outstanding medical bills and living expenses with a large portion of the money; the remainder has been set aside for an organ transplant Dwight will need a few years down the road.

We are extremely grateful to everyone who put forth the time and effort, as well as those who donated money. Dwight is now in remission, and we are both back to our full-time jobs.

Over the last three years, the only time we have taken for ourselves is a couple of long weekends. Our home is old and we've had to replace some windows and do some minor repairs. Our car is 10 years old and still runs fine, but eventually we will have to buy another one.

I'm afraid that people who helped us may think we are squandering their gift if we take a vacation or buy a car. Even when we repaired our home, we felt guilty.

My husband is healthy right now, and we would like to enjoy ourselves before things change again. The last thing we want to do is hurt anyone's feelings or jeopardize our friendships. Would you please share your thoughts on this? -- LIVING IN A GLASS HOUSE

DEAR LIVING: In a situation like yours, appearances DO matter. People are extremely sensitive these days about money that is intended for one purpose being spent on another.

If you haven't already done so, to avoid any misunderstandings, put what remains of the donated monies into a separate interest-bearing account earmarked for your husband's transplant. This will enable you to live your lives.

Should anyone second-guess you, explain that you are taking the vacation or buying the next car with your earnings, and that the funds that were donated will eventually be used for the purpose for which they were intended.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. I can no longer trust her using restrooms unaccompanied when we are away from home.

She has locked the stall door and sometimes just sits in there and won't respond.

Should I be using the men's or women's facility when I have to help her? -- ROBERT J.

DEAR ROBERT: Caring for someone with a progressive brain disease like Alzheimer's can present many challenges. Helping a spouse use a public restroom is one of the most difficult tasks for many of the 10 million American caregivers -- and I am sure many of them will appreciate not only your question but also your challenge.

Because using the restroom is difficult for your wife, be sure to take that into consideration when planning all her activities. By calling the establishments ahead of time, you can determine which restaurant, mall, etc. offers unisex or family restrooms. If you find yourself somewhere with only a men's or women's bathroom, ask an employee for assistance. He or she should be able to clear the women's restroom for a few minutes so you can help your wife while respecting everyone's privacy.

In addition to caring for your wife, I cannot stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself. For more caregiver tips and support, call the Alzheimer's Association's toll-free, 24-hour helpline at (800) 272-3900 anytime day or night, or visit the Web site at www.alz.org.