DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dwight," was very ill a few years ago. Some wonderful folks held a fundraiser to help us with bills and unpaid leave. We paid all of the outstanding medical bills and living expenses with a large portion of the money; the remainder has been set aside for an organ transplant Dwight will need a few years down the road.

We are extremely grateful to everyone who put forth the time and effort, as well as those who donated money. Dwight is now in remission, and we are both back to our full-time jobs.

Over the last three years, the only time we have taken for ourselves is a couple of long weekends. Our home is old and we've had to replace some windows and do some minor repairs. Our car is 10 years old and still runs fine, but eventually we will have to buy another one.

I'm afraid that people who helped us may think we are squandering their gift if we take a vacation or buy a car. Even when we repaired our home, we felt guilty.

My husband is healthy right now, and we would like to enjoy ourselves before things change again. The last thing we want to do is hurt anyone's feelings or jeopardize our friendships. Would you please share your thoughts on this? -- LIVING IN A GLASS HOUSE

DEAR LIVING: In a situation like yours, appearances DO matter. People are extremely sensitive these days about money that is intended for one purpose being spent on another.

If you haven't already done so, to avoid any misunderstandings, put what remains of the donated monies into a separate interest-bearing account earmarked for your husband's transplant. This will enable you to live your lives.

Should anyone second-guess you, explain that you are taking the vacation or buying the next car with your earnings, and that the funds that were donated will eventually be used for the purpose for which they were intended.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. I can no longer trust her using restrooms unaccompanied when we are away from home.

She has locked the stall door and sometimes just sits in there and won't respond.

Should I be using the men's or women's facility when I have to help her? -- ROBERT J.

DEAR ROBERT: Caring for someone with a progressive brain disease like Alzheimer's can present many challenges. Helping a spouse use a public restroom is one of the most difficult tasks for many of the 10 million American caregivers -- and I am sure many of them will appreciate not only your question but also your challenge.

Because using the restroom is difficult for your wife, be sure to take that into consideration when planning all her activities. By calling the establishments ahead of time, you can determine which restaurant, mall, etc. offers unisex or family restrooms. If you find yourself somewhere with only a men's or women's bathroom, ask an employee for assistance. He or she should be able to clear the women's restroom for a few minutes so you can help your wife while respecting everyone's privacy.

In addition to caring for your wife, I cannot stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself. For more caregiver tips and support, call the Alzheimer's Association's toll-free, 24-hour helpline at (800) 272-3900 anytime day or night, or visit the Web site at www.alz.org.

DEAR ABBY: In this day of massive cutbacks and layoffs, please remind your readers that people who have recently lost their jobs need their friends now more than ever.

Having found myself in this situation, I know firsthand that people I thought were my friends truly are not. The phone calls and e-mails stopped almost immediately when word got out that I was laid off. Being treated as if I have some sort of contagious disease has been as bad as losing my job. I know what happened to me is a sign of the times and no reflection on me.

So -- to all of you who have chosen to no longer communicate with me because of my employment status: I am fine. I have a positive attitude. This will not keep me down. I realize that my possibilities are endless. However badly you treat me now, when you are in the same situation, I will be there for you.

To the wonderful man in my life, thank you for standing by me and giving me daily encouragement. To my family, whom I worship beyond belief, thank you for your understanding and continued support. You have made me the person I am, and because of you, I will succeed. -- UNEMPLOYED ... NOT DOWN AND OUT

DEAR NOT DOWN AND OUT: Thank you for so eloquently pointing out that people who have lost their jobs should not be abandoned, and that the support of friends and family is crucial.

Although family relationships are our primary source of emotional support, the relationships we form at work and our work-related contacts can become like an extended second family.

If these relationships are treated as expendable, it can often be as traumatic as the death of a loved one. When a death occurs, there can be as many as five distinct stages of grief. These are anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, when it comes to job loss, there is also the added element of fear.

This is why I am appealing to you, my readers. No one can ignore the fact that times have grown uncertain. Millions of good, hardworking individuals have lost their jobs through no fault of their own. More bad news may be on the way.

Now is the time for all of us to reach out a hand to encourage and help one another. People who are unemployed should not be made to feel they have been discarded. There is strength in numbers. We will all be stronger if we stand together and observe the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are occasionally invited out to eat at expensive restaurants by a couple with whom we are friendly. The problem is the wife never fails to complain about the food. It's the wrong meal, it was prepared incorrectly, it wasn't what she ordered, etc. Even after her demands have been catered to, she continues to complain throughout the entire meal.

It is embarrassing to see the wait staff treated this way. We have become hesitant about joining them, but out of fear of hurting their feelings, we go. Then we regret having had to spend so much money and having been embarrassed once again.

What should we say the next time we are invited? Should we tell the truth or make up an excuse? -- EMBARRASSED IN OHIO

DEAR EMBARRASSED: The next time you are invited to join them, tell the woman you have "other plans." (It's true. You "plan" not to be embarrassed again.) If, after repeated refusals, the woman asks if there is "something wrong," tell her exactly what you have told me. Her behavior is boorish and a bid for attention.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Warren," and I are happily married. We love each other. We are both hardworking career professionals and have raised our family. We have always been faithful to each other.

Warren is very open with his emotions and often tells me how much he loves me. He is also very passionate during our intimate moments. The problem is, he expects me to act the same way -- which I can't. Although I love my husband and always will, I do not feel comfortable expressing myself the way he does during our lovemaking. I am content to just "get it over with" while he yearns for the kissing, hugging and talk.

Despite an active sex life with Warren, he has told me many times he wishes I were more expressive and open with my feelings. I respond by telling him, "I am who I am." He is not happy that I refuse to change.

Warren is a wonderful man. Other women probably would have no problem giving him what he wants, but we are not compatible this way. I have never spoken to anyone else about this, and I'm wondering what you think. -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CONFUSED: I think it's time you considered the fact that by "refusing" to change, you have limited some interesting and rewarding possibilities in your marriage. One important aspect of "performance" is receiving feedback, as anyone in the arts can attest. Lovemaking is an art, and partners need to know when they, too, are doing something right.

I wish you would have this discussion with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. Perhaps the person can help you more effectively communicate. If you make the effort, you'll have a happier husband, and a more satisfying marriage will follow.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend from childhood, "Ethan," whom I have known for 25 years, is being married. I'm a girl, and my parents weren't thrilled that my best friend was a guy, but they eventually accepted him as part of the family.

Ethan and I were very close. It hurt that we were separated by quite a distance during college and afterward. But we have always maintained an active e-mail correspondence.

During the last two years I have hardly heard from him, and he has ignored several attempts I have made at getting together. We now live only a couple of hours apart, and I often visit his city to see relatives.

I thought maybe we had just grown apart, but two weeks ago I received an invitation to Ethan's wedding. I had no idea he was even engaged! I was thrilled to hear from him and happy for him. I e-mailed him three times but received no response. Instead, Ethan's brother responded.

Is it expecting too much for him to respond personally? I miss him terribly and I'd love to go, but I'm feeling like he doesn't care. I met Ethan's girlfriend years ago, and she was very sweet. I don't think jealously plays a part in this. -- MISSING MY FRIEND

DEAR MISSING: Time and distance can sometimes change some people. It shouldn't be this difficult to maintain a friendship. The reason Ethan communicated with you through his brother instead of directly is because he wanted a buffer -- but it sends a message.

If I were you, I would send my regrets to the wedding invitation and move on. I'm sorry to be the bearer of sad tidings, but from where I sit, it appears your childhood friendship has run its course.

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