DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, my best friend asked me to be godmother to her beautiful little daughter, "Sharona." At the time she made it clear that if I accepted, she and her husband would name me as Sharona's guardian in their will. I was deeply touched that they would trust me with such an important responsibility and was happy to accept.

As she has grown, Sharona and I have developed a close bond, and I love her as if she were my own. Her parents have since had two sons, and although I am not the boys' godmother, they have now asked me if they can name me as guardian for all three.

I love the children, but I am 27, single and live 1,500 miles from my family. I cannot financially, physically or emotionally take on the task of raising three children. If anything were to happen to my friends, I couldn't bear the thought of anyone other than me raising Sharona. Would it be terrible if I turned down the request to also be guardian to the boys? -- GODMOTHER TO ONE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GODMOTHER TO ONE: No, it would not, because your reasons are valid. However, your friend and her husband may want to ensure that their children would all be raised together if anything were to happen to them -- which it probably won't. So be prepared in case they decide they want to make other arrangements for Sharona.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please remind your readers that Hawaii is part of the United States? You would be shocked at how many times tourists have asked me, "Have you ever been to America?" And when I visit the mainland, people ask me if we have cars in Hawaii, if we live in grass shacks and can I dance the hula.

A great way to get the word out that Hawaii is a wonderful, up-to-date place that happens to be the 50th state in the union would be a "reminder" from you. I am proud to be an American, and I find these questions to be insulting. -- CHERI-ANN IN HONOLULU

DEAR CHERI-ANN: Please don't take offense. The questioners are not trying to be insulting. Obviously, these people were absent (or distracted) on the day that their class in modern history covered the fact that Hawaii went from being a U.S. territory to a state on Aug. 21, 1959. When you are asked these kinds of questions, tell the person to go to Google.com and search on the word Hawaii.

DEAR ABBY: I have a housekeeper who comes once a week for five hours. My family is calling me an ogre because I expect them to pick up their stuff before she arrives.

Abby, I want that woman's full five hours spent cleaning -- not picking up after everyone so she can get started. Whatever she doesn't get done will most likely have to be finished by me. I work full time, plus I am the one who runs errands and helps with homework. I don't need another chore added to my list.

Am I being unfair? -- FULL PLATE IN ELIZABETH CITY, N.C.

DEAR FULL PLATE: Not from my perspective. Insisting that your family learn to pick up after themselves and care for their clothing is doing them a favor. In years to come, when they are out on their own, those lessons will have become second nature and maybe they won't need a housekeeper.

DEAR READERS: Since I printed the letter from "Deceived in Arizona" (Nov. 30), I have learned that not only individuals, but also some churches feel so strongly about separating the legal aspect of marriage from the religious that they have voted to only "bless unions," and their clergy no longer sign marriage licenses. Among them are member churches of the United Church of Christ, the Unitarian-Universalists and the Quakers. Instead, the model they follow is the one used in Europe, in which couples go to a courthouse to register their marriage, and then to a church or synagogue for a religious ceremony. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In this day and age, especially with jobs so scarce, a lot of young couples are finding that by becoming legally married they disqualify themselves from things like prenatal care, health care for their children and government assistance programs. In order to survive, many couples now opt to have the ceremony without the paperwork.

Another idea gaining in popularity is that unless everyone in this country has equal rights for marriage, no one should be getting married. Several couples I know have married without the paperwork because they regard the alternative the same as sitting at a segregated lunch counter, and they are unwilling to support segregation.

Many people feel there is a blatant disregard for separation of church and state and that "legal" marriages are not at all legal, but an example of government recognizing those with faith while disregarding those who have a different point of view on what family is. -- REV. M.N.R. IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married by a minister, but without a marriage license because his financial problems could have adversely affected me. Because we did want to commit to each other, we called it a "Ceremony of Commitment." We view ourselves as being married, and I have a ring.

When the ceremony was held, everyone knew what was going on. We requested no gifts, but many people still brought them. Because we were honest, some of the members of my church have turned against me and refuse to talk to me. They acknowledge my granddaughter and will talk to her while I am standing there watching, but will not say a word to me.

The way the couple in the letter you published handled it wasn't fair to their families and guests. They should have been upfront about it, which would have given everyone the right to make their own decision about whether to attend. I see nothing wrong with being married in the eyes of God. When the Bible was written, did they have marriage licenses then? -- REBECCA IN SUNNYVALE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Increasing numbers of us reject licenses from the state in favor of honoring God's word -- and it's not just old people who want to hang onto welfare benefits.

Nowhere in the Bible does a servant of God ask permission from the government to marry. The Father is more than good enough. And while there are references to "what God has joined together," there is no similar praise for what Caesar has blessed.

The state may want to control and even redefine marriage. But a covenant before God, and witnesses, has been more than good enough for His people throughout most of history, and it has worked for my house for more than 30 years. -- GOD IS OUR WITNESS IN COLORADO

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DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the letter from "Deceived in Arizona" (Nov. 30). I agree the couple shouldn't have misled their guests and should have let them know it wouldn't be a state-sanctioned wedding. But these days, many couples choose not to legally wed, and for others it is not a choice.

Most gay and lesbian people do not have the opportunity to have a state-sanctioned marriage, and many progressive couples choose not to legally wed because of unequal marriage laws. Other couples view marriage as oppressive and prefer not to invite the state into their relationship.

Also, some churches will no longer perform state-sanctioned marriages until marriage is available to all couples. If members of those churches decide to be legally married, they must go to the courthouse.

My advice to that stepmother: Get over it! Celebrate the fact that your stepdaughter found her lifelong companion and is happy. And be thankful your new grandchild will have loving, committed parents. -- BETHANY IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR BETHANY: Thank you for writing. When I printed "Deceived's" letter I had no idea I was catching a hot potato. The mail from readers about this has been most interesting and enlightening. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Oh, boy, did you open a can of worms with that one! Don't you know that many gay people are frustrated with the government's refusal to grant them a legal marriage? And many couples today no longer have any desire to "register" their union with the government, and have decided to forgo the legal benefits associated with it. They stand together to publicly celebrate their joy and commitment to each other. A "government-approved" marriage means far less to them than one affirmed by God, family and community. -- ALEXANDRA IN OAKLAND

DEAR ABBY: "Deceived," who complained about the marriage ceremony that was "not legal," pointed out the difficulty we have here in the United States where marriage is the only sacrament that is completely entwined with civil law. What we need is separation of church and state.

Governments should allow the CIVIL marriage of any two individuals who want to take on the rights and responsibilities of marriage. Churches should provide a RELIGIOUS marriage to those couples who satisfy their requirements for a religious marriage. That way the government would be out of the religious sacrament business and only in the business of conferring legal rights and responsibilities upon committed couples. -- BECKLEY, W.VA., LAWYER

DEAR ABBY: You should know that the minister, priest, judge (or whoever) does not "marry" the couple. They only "officiate" -- and that's it. In many places around the world people declare in front of family, friends and/or community that they take each other as man and wife -- and they are legally married. They do, at some time in the future when the official comes around, go ahead and go through the "formality," but they have already been married all that time before the official shows up.

Depending upon where this couple "pretended they got married," they may very well be married.

Keep up the good work, Abby. You're doing a heck of a good job. -- DONALD H., ST. JOSEPH, MO.

DEAR DONALD: Thank you for the kind words. Readers, I'll have more on this tomorrow. It appears "the times may be a-changin'..."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)