DEAR ABBY: I'm a fiercely independent and headstrong woman. I have recently begun dating my childhood sweetheart, "Jess," again after 20 years. Jess is traditional and would prefer I surrender my independence and allow him to take the "man's" role. We are trying to compromise, but now another issue has come up.

My best friend, "Wendell," recently proposed to his girlfriend and asked me to be his best woman at the wedding. Of course I accepted. I'm excited about the honor he has bestowed upon me, and I will be wearing a tuxedo and stiletto heels.

Jess is totally against it. He says Wendell is treating me like I'm a man and I'm going along with it. Every time the subject comes up, Jess gets angry. He hasn't met Wendell yet, and I would love more than anything for my two special guys to get along. What am I to do? -- ON THE SPOT IN WALDORF, MD.

DEAR ON THE SPOT: Before you go much further with Jess, it is important that you clearly understand not only what he feels a "man's role" is, but also exactly what he thinks a woman's role should be. Your relationship with him would be a lot healthier if he could accept you just as you are -- and from your description of what's going on, I'm not sure he's flexible enough to do that.

It appears that Jess' thinking is firmly rooted in the 1930s. He may be a lovely person, but from my perspective, his definition of "compromise" is for you to assume the role of a female of that era. Women have come a long way since then, and I don't think assuming that role would be healthy for you.

DEAR ABBY: I have two grandsons and a new granddaughter. My daughter-in-law keeps dressing the infant in black dresses for her monthly pictures.

Abby, I can't stand to see a beautiful baby dressed in black. I have purchased lovely, colorful outfits for her at children's shops only to have her mother return them. Is this a new trend, does she have terrible taste, or am I crazy? –- FEELING BLUE IN RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR FEELING BLUE: It's not a new trend, it isn't terrible taste, and you're not crazy. It is, however, a matter of PERSONAL taste. Black garments are available for children of all ages. When I mentioned your letter to a photographer who specializes in children's portraits, I was informed that wearing black is not typical in children's photos -- unless the parents are into Goth. Could this include your daughter-in-law?

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my sister's husband of 20 years suddenly left her for a 23-year-old girl. He is living openly with her, even though he is still married to my sister. What is most disturbing is some members of his family are openly supporting this affair.

The shock of my brother-in-law's infidelity is painful enough, but the insensitivity of these family members is unbelievable. Are those people ignorant or just plain evil? -- HURTING FOR MY SISTER

DEAR HURTING: The situation you have described is very sad. Not knowing the husband's family, I can't judge whether they are ignorant or evil. However, it's clear that in this case, blood is thicker than water -- and for whatever reason, some of the in-laws never bonded emotionally with your sister.

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and have been with a great guy, "Albert," who's 20, for more than a year. We're engaged to be married and live together in a condo we recently bought. We both work full time and support ourselves comfortably.

While I would love to marry Albert, I feel we are young and I see no need to rush into it. Things are wonderful between us, but I'm not really looking forward to a wedding.

Albert wants a formal wedding with family in attendance. He says his parents and other family members would be upset if we eloped and would have trouble forgiving him. I'm a rather reserved person, and the idea of being put in the spotlight, with all the hoopla and expense, is overwhelming. In fact, to elope would be perfect for me.

When I share my feelings with Albert, he becomes offended and accuses me of not being as "in love" with him as he is with me. I do love him, and I would be happy to be his wife. I'm just not interested in a ceremony and everything that goes with it. We need advice. -- RELUCTANT BRIDE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR RELUCTANT: The fact that you "see no need to rush" and say you're "not really looking forward to a wedding" indicates to me that while you love your fiance and theoretically would like to marry him someday, you are not yet ready to make that final commitment. Albert may be picking up on your ambivalence, which is why he says you don't love him as much as he loves you and becomes "offended" when you try to discuss your feelings.

Of one thing I am certain: You should not elope or have any other kind of wedding right now. What you should do is talk with your clergyperson. Premarital counseling, which is offered by most denominations, will help to ensure that you and Albert are in agreement about other important topics, including (but not limited to) how you plan to handle finances, how many children you want, how they should be raised, etc. These are issues that can make or break a marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I returned to my hometown for a funeral and reconnected with a distant cousin I hadn't seen since high school. "Jake" and I were close growing up, but had lost touch after I moved away at 17.

Since my trip home we have been in constant contact. Over Thanksgiving, Jake joined me for a long weekend getaway. He also made plans for us to be together on New Year's Eve and to take some other fun trips. We both feel we could have a future together, but we're worried about what people back home will say. (It's a small town where everyone knows everything.)

Jake remains very close to some of my other family, so it would be hard to drop the "cousin" role. I spoke with my doctor before getting involved; he confirmed there are no medical reasons why we shouldn't. We're sixth cousins, but were raised as if we were closer than that.

Have you any advice on how to make the transition from cousins to a couple? -- RELATED IN OREGON

DEAR RELATED: Sixth cousins are so distantly related that there is no reason why you shouldn't be a couple if you wish to be. Becoming a couple is an evolution. Let the relationship evolve -- and don't be secretive. People who love you should be happy for both of you.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I married a 40-year-old woman I'll call "Phyllis." We had dated for eight years. My problem is, after all this time Phyllis still has not moved into my home. She has never moved any of her personal belongings in either. And she runs home to her mother's house six days a week.

When I try to talk to Phyllis about this, she tells me she will bring her "stuff" over, but then she returns to her mother's and nothing changes. Please tell me what to do. -- LONELY SPOUSE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LONELY SPOUSE: It appears your wife is having an unusually hard time severing the umbilical cord with her mother, who may not even be aware that her daughter has a husband. Because you and Phyllis are so far apart on the amount of togetherness it takes to nurture a successful marriage, offer her the option of marriage counseling. If she refuses, you should consult a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I have a set of beautiful rosary beads I received after my mother's passing. I brought them to work and put them on to show a co-worker, and I received comments from three different people about how they never saw anyone wear rosary beads as a necklace. They said they weren't sure it was appropriate.

It made me very uncomfortable, so I took the rosary off. I would not want to be disrespectful. Could you find out if it is appropriate to wear rosary beads as a necklace? -- VAL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR VAL: While putting the rosary beads on may have made you feel closer to your mother, and your intention was to display them for your co-workers, rosaries are not an item of jewelry, and they are not intended to be worn. Rosary beads are an aid to prayer, meant to move gently through your fingers while praying.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Protective Lioness" (Dec. 3) and to you, regarding the man who took his 13-year-old son to lunch at a restaurant that features "scantily clad waitresses." You said you wondered what "other indiscretions" he would have his son hide.

Sorry, Abby, but you both overreacted to the situation. Her husband may have asked his son to keep it to himself because he knew his wife would react the way she did. If my husband took one of our teenage sons to such a place once and didn't tell me right away -- so what?

And why such a big deal over a little skin (and probably cleavage) showing? I often see less clothing on young women when I'm out shopping for groceries! And honestly, when did it get to the point that a couple must know in down-to-the-minute detail everything a spouse/lover has done while away from the other?

"Protective Lioness" doesn't sound so much "protective" as she does insecure. It makes me wonder who she's more upset about seeing the waitress -- her son or her spouse? -- A MOM IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR MOM: You're right. I did react strongly to that letter. I viewed the problem through the prism of my own experience. To me the important issue wasn't the amount of flesh that was showing in the restaurant. It was the husband telling his son not to disclose something to his mother. It didn't strike me as off-base that the woman would be upset -- not at the choice of restaurants, but at the idea that the father would instruct his son to "take sides" and keep her in the dark.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)