DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I married a 40-year-old woman I'll call "Phyllis." We had dated for eight years. My problem is, after all this time Phyllis still has not moved into my home. She has never moved any of her personal belongings in either. And she runs home to her mother's house six days a week.

When I try to talk to Phyllis about this, she tells me she will bring her "stuff" over, but then she returns to her mother's and nothing changes. Please tell me what to do. -- LONELY SPOUSE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LONELY SPOUSE: It appears your wife is having an unusually hard time severing the umbilical cord with her mother, who may not even be aware that her daughter has a husband. Because you and Phyllis are so far apart on the amount of togetherness it takes to nurture a successful marriage, offer her the option of marriage counseling. If she refuses, you should consult a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I have a set of beautiful rosary beads I received after my mother's passing. I brought them to work and put them on to show a co-worker, and I received comments from three different people about how they never saw anyone wear rosary beads as a necklace. They said they weren't sure it was appropriate.

It made me very uncomfortable, so I took the rosary off. I would not want to be disrespectful. Could you find out if it is appropriate to wear rosary beads as a necklace? -- VAL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR VAL: While putting the rosary beads on may have made you feel closer to your mother, and your intention was to display them for your co-workers, rosaries are not an item of jewelry, and they are not intended to be worn. Rosary beads are an aid to prayer, meant to move gently through your fingers while praying.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Protective Lioness" (Dec. 3) and to you, regarding the man who took his 13-year-old son to lunch at a restaurant that features "scantily clad waitresses." You said you wondered what "other indiscretions" he would have his son hide.

Sorry, Abby, but you both overreacted to the situation. Her husband may have asked his son to keep it to himself because he knew his wife would react the way she did. If my husband took one of our teenage sons to such a place once and didn't tell me right away -- so what?

And why such a big deal over a little skin (and probably cleavage) showing? I often see less clothing on young women when I'm out shopping for groceries! And honestly, when did it get to the point that a couple must know in down-to-the-minute detail everything a spouse/lover has done while away from the other?

"Protective Lioness" doesn't sound so much "protective" as she does insecure. It makes me wonder who she's more upset about seeing the waitress -- her son or her spouse? -- A MOM IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR MOM: You're right. I did react strongly to that letter. I viewed the problem through the prism of my own experience. To me the important issue wasn't the amount of flesh that was showing in the restaurant. It was the husband telling his son not to disclose something to his mother. It didn't strike me as off-base that the woman would be upset -- not at the choice of restaurants, but at the idea that the father would instruct his son to "take sides" and keep her in the dark.

DEAR ABBY: From the time when I was a teen, whenever a romance of mine ended, my mother would continue having her own relationship with the ex, regardless of how I felt about it.

Over the years she has attended my ex-husband's wedding, still visits with my former high school boyfriend, contacts my sister's ex-boyfriend -- the list goes on and on. Not surprisingly, this issue has generated some heated exchanges.

Now my adult daughter is experiencing the same thing. She recently ended a three-year relationship, and guess where Mother ended up? She drove 20 miles to visit him in his store, although there are plenty of other stores she could have gone to nearby.

I have long felt that I didn't matter much to her since my exes were so important to her. But seeing the pain this has brought to my daughter makes me furious all over again. Should we just never introduce her to anyone in our lives until the wedding? -- SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR

DEAR SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR: You're within your rights to do that. However, I find it odd that not only does your mother have such a hard time letting go of these men, but also that all of them seem to have a hard time letting go of her. I could see this happening once -- but that it's happening with all of them seems peculiar.

DEAR ABBY: I am an obese woman who had the lap band procedure done three months ago. I am now able to eat only three or four ounces of food at a time, and I am starting to show some major weight loss.

What do I say to people with whom I go out to eat when they think I am being finicky or snobbish for not eating my entire meal? I have gotten some pretty weird stares, and one of my co-workers believes I have an eating disorder.

Abby, I would prefer not to come out and say that I have had weight-loss surgery, but I don't want people worried about me either. Any suggestions? -- MINI-ME IN TEXAS

DEAR MINI-YOU: So many people in this country have serious weight problems, I see no reason why you shouldn't be frank about what you decided to do about yours. It's not shameful, and it should not be a guilty secret. People who know you well will find out eventually.

However, if you are determined not to reveal that you had the surgery, when you eat out in restaurants, order only an appetizer. That way less food will remain on your plate.

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old grandson, "Fletcher," an average boy with good looks, is becoming as exhibitionist. He flaunts his body on almost every occasion. When people are around, he goes into his room and emerges minutes later without his shirt, naked to the waist, with his pants dropping down almost showing places we do not wish to see. He struts around, going from room to room, all the while his pants slipping even lower. Fletcher then usually changes into shorts, which also slide down and reveal more than the public should be viewing.

Fletcher does this whether it's hot or cold, in the house or outside. His behavior is not normal. He seems to be doing this stripping thing more and more, regardless of where he is. At our house over the holidays, he found an excuse to remove his shirt to show his abs. He's constantly exercising and working out and is always ready to pull open his shirt to show the results.

I don't know where exhibitionism at this age leads, but I'm sure the road is not a healthy trail to travel. Does all of this seem normal to you, Abby, and could you comment on it? -- CONCERNED IN BUCKS COUNTY, PA.

DEAR CONCERNED: So, here we have a good-looking young man who works out like crazy and has found that building his body brings him attention and admiration. Who can blame him for wanting to show it off?

That said, there is a time and place for everything. Tell Fletcher -- and his parents -- that when he is in your home, you would prefer that he pull his low-riding pants up and keep his shirt on because his exposure embarrasses and concerns you. (What he does in his own house is his business.)

And while you would prefer that your grandson polish other aspects of his persona, perhaps it's time to consider that this may be the most distinct achievement he's capable of. It isn't the end of the world. It has led to more than one career in show business -- and even politics.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Curt," is a 38-year-old rookie cop. We are all proud of his decision to go to the police academy and want him to be successful. The problem is, at every family function, Curt thinks it's funny to demonstrate the tactics he uses to make noncompliant suspects submit.

These actions are unwelcome, and they really hurt. Curt has used this type of force on me, my sister and my children, ages 6 and 8. When I ask him not to do it anymore, he laughs. He thinks it's all a big joke and seems to enjoy having this power over other family members.

It is not a joke anymore. If Curt does this again, I'm afraid I will defend myself, and then all hell will break loose. What should I do? -- NOT AMUSED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NOT AMUSED: If your brother is doing this with his siblings and their children, can you imagine what he must be doing to someone he places under arrest? Your brother is getting a kick out of inflicting pain, even if it involves young children. In other words, he's sadistic and not very bright.

Inform your brother that if it happens again you and the family will pay a visit to the chief of police in your community and file a report. It is officers like your brother who give law enforcement a bad name.