DEAR ABBY: My daughter's 15-year-old friend "Willa" no longer comes over to our house. When I asked my daughter why, she said my husband told Willa she was getting fat. Willa told her mother, and her mother told her not to visit us anymore.

I confronted my husband and told him his comment was rude and that he should never have said it. My husband says I'm wrong, making a huge deal out of nothing and he did not mean anything by it. As a mother, I would not appreciate a grown man making comments about my daughter's body.

Am I wrong to think my husband's remark is a form of sexual harassment, even though it was not in the workplace? -- UPSET MOM IN BELLFLOWER

DEAR UPSET MOM: I wouldn't classify your husband's unfortunate remark as sexual harassment. I would, however, call it extremely insensitive and inappropriate. It cost your daughter a girlfriend, so to her it IS a big deal. I'm sure your husband would have been similarly hurt and offended had Willa remarked to him that he is getting a paunch or losing his hair. Suggest it to him, and maybe then he'll get it.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, my husband and I decided to clean out our garage. Stored on a top shelf was the box containing my wedding dress. As I pulled it down, I wondered what it looked like after 21 years. After our wedding night I had sent it to the cleaners to be dry-cleaned and boxed. It was returned to me with a gold seal across the opening.

I decided to break the seal and check the condition of the dress, hoping no moths had gotten to it. When I opened the box, there was no wedding dress inside. My husband asked if I had let someone borrow it. "No," I replied, "the box has been sealed all this time."

Then it dawned on me that my dress had never been returned from the cleaners. I never thought to check inside the box when I got it back. Please pass this on as a warning to future and current brides to check their wedding boxes! -- DUPED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DUPED: What happened was truly unfortunate, and I am pleased to spread the word. It's far too late to find out if your dress was lost or stolen, but checking the box makes sense -- if only to make sure the dress inside is the one that was sent to the cleaners. Better to be safe than sorry.

DEAR ABBY: I want to propose to my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. We're both in our 30s. My problem is, I don't know what to present to him (like an engagement ring) when I do.

Have you any ideas? Is it strange for a woman to propose to a man? -- DOING IT BACKWARD, BUTLER, PA.

DEAR DOING IT BACKWARD: It isn't strange at all. Women have been proposing to men ever since romantic love entered the picture.

There is no rule that a man must present anything to his intended at the time he proposes, and neither should you. If your boyfriend says yes, the two of you can discuss what he might like to have as an engagement gift at the time you both select a ring for you.

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my elderly father fell, suffering a head injury that caused his death. Dad had a chronic illness that kept him housebound during the last year of his life.

Prior to his death, my mother began corresponding with, and inviting, an old high school boyfriend to visit. (He lived six hours away.) This man, "Milton," moved in with Mother while my father was still alive.

Mom has been with Milton ever since, first at her home and now at his winter home down south. My siblings and I are aghast at her behavior. She phones and sends cheery e-mails as if she were on an extended holiday and having the time of her life. Meanwhile, we are still mourning our father's loss.

We have tried to share our feelings with her, but she refuses to acknowledge them. She says she "understands," but we don't think she does. Otherwise, why would she move away from her children at this sad time? -- LOST OUR MOTHER, TOO

DEAR LOST: Your mother may have done it because she went through much of the grieving process long before your father actually passed away. She does understand your feelings, but in an emotional -- and now physical -- sense she has moved on. I don't know the circumstances of your parents' marriage, but if she made your father happy while he was alive, then try to be happy for her now.

DEAR ABBY: I am only 24, but consider myself an old-fashioned parent. My wife and I have three daughters who are the center of our lives. Everywhere we go, we are complimented on how well-behaved our children are. When asked for our "secret," we tell the truth -- we use the belt to keep our children in line. When I was a child, my mom did the same with me, and I know it's more help than harm.

The problem is, as soon as people hear it they assume we simply beat our kids into submission. How can I help people understand that discipline and abuse are two different things? -- JOHN IN SAVANNAH

DEAR JOHN: Abuse and discipline ARE two different things. Abuse is punishment. Discipline teaches -- and helps a child to eventually become self-disciplined. Using a belt on your little girls shows them that violence is acceptable -- and that they can expect it from you, just as you learned it was acceptable from your parents.

There are more effective ways to communicate with children than by hitting them with belts. Grounding them, taking away toys, cell phone and television privileges are effective, nonviolent and preferable means of letting a child know that certain behaviors are unacceptable.

DEAR ABBY: Whenever my husband, "Jim," and I are talking to friends or family and they ask me a question, Jim always answers "for" me. If I am talking with one of my girlfriends, he will jump right in before I have finished my sentence. He does this all the time. I have told him I don't like it, but he won't stop. What can I do to shut him up? -- TRYING TO BE HEARD IN OHIO

DEAR TRYING TO BE HEARD: Obviously, your husband feels that what he has to say is more important than what you have to offer. Because you have told him that it bothers you and have been ignored, enlist the help of friends and family in a team effort. When it happens again, they should immediately respond, "No, Jim. I asked your WIFE that question. Wait your turn." Hearing it may shock him into silence, but he needs it because he has an obnoxious habit.

DEAR ABBY: My dad recently married someone much younger, so my sister and I have a new stepmom. "Tori" has no children of her own. She's nice, but she's trying too hard.

She constantly tries to make "girl talk" about personal things that girls our age talk about with sisters and friends, but not their parents. She also insists on doing things together during our visitations. She takes us clothes shopping and tries to tell us what we should wear.

Tori never knocks before coming into the room where we stay at Dad's, even when she knows we're getting dressed. She says, "We're all girls." She actually spends more time with us than our dad does, but there is such a thing as too much attention.

Tori is now planning an "all girls weekend" for the three of us. Because we'll be sharing one hotel room, there won't be a minute's peace from her. We don't want to hurt her feelings since she's trying so hard -- unlike friends of ours who have the opposite problem with their stepmoms.

How can we discuss boundaries without hurting her feelings? -- TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR TOO CLOSE: You're right, your stepmother is trying too hard. Chalk it up to the fact that she's much younger than your father, is new to the role she's playing and is trying to relate to you as an equal.

What concerns me about your letter is the fact that you are spending more time with your father's wife than you are with him. That's not what visitation is for. My advice is to talk to your mother and father about this, privately. And please do it soon, so an intervention with Tori can be managed before she alienates those she's trying so hard to befriend.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old single woman who considers herself fairly progressive. I have a rewarding career, great family, terrific friends and I date occasionally. One old-fashioned sticking point that is annoying me more and more: I'm sick to death of men I meet who say, "Call me on Saturday" -- or whenever they want to be contacted. What I tell them is, "Call ME if you want to see me." Then they don't bother to call.

Female friends my age and older say it should be up to the man to call the woman. Younger ones say if I'm interested, I should call the guy. I figure if he doesn't call, he's not really interested.

I currently work at home and can appreciate a hectic schedule. When I'm traveling, things can be wild -- so logically, I expect a man to call me if he's interested because the last thing I'd want to do is to interrupt him during his workday. Who is right? -- STICKLER IN PALATINE, ILL.

DEAR STICKLER: Coming from a generation that was raised to believe that the man should always call the woman, it is not easy to take the initiative and make a call. However, the rules of dating have changed since you were taught those restrictions.

It's time you learned a few new tricks -- and the people who can teach you are your younger friends. Let them give you a lesson or two and try some role-playing. I'm sure you'll have the technique down in no time.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)