DEAR ABBY: Last year, my elderly father fell, suffering a head injury that caused his death. Dad had a chronic illness that kept him housebound during the last year of his life.

Prior to his death, my mother began corresponding with, and inviting, an old high school boyfriend to visit. (He lived six hours away.) This man, "Milton," moved in with Mother while my father was still alive.

Mom has been with Milton ever since, first at her home and now at his winter home down south. My siblings and I are aghast at her behavior. She phones and sends cheery e-mails as if she were on an extended holiday and having the time of her life. Meanwhile, we are still mourning our father's loss.

We have tried to share our feelings with her, but she refuses to acknowledge them. She says she "understands," but we don't think she does. Otherwise, why would she move away from her children at this sad time? -- LOST OUR MOTHER, TOO

DEAR LOST: Your mother may have done it because she went through much of the grieving process long before your father actually passed away. She does understand your feelings, but in an emotional -- and now physical -- sense she has moved on. I don't know the circumstances of your parents' marriage, but if she made your father happy while he was alive, then try to be happy for her now.

DEAR ABBY: I am only 24, but consider myself an old-fashioned parent. My wife and I have three daughters who are the center of our lives. Everywhere we go, we are complimented on how well-behaved our children are. When asked for our "secret," we tell the truth -- we use the belt to keep our children in line. When I was a child, my mom did the same with me, and I know it's more help than harm.

The problem is, as soon as people hear it they assume we simply beat our kids into submission. How can I help people understand that discipline and abuse are two different things? -- JOHN IN SAVANNAH

DEAR JOHN: Abuse and discipline ARE two different things. Abuse is punishment. Discipline teaches -- and helps a child to eventually become self-disciplined. Using a belt on your little girls shows them that violence is acceptable -- and that they can expect it from you, just as you learned it was acceptable from your parents.

There are more effective ways to communicate with children than by hitting them with belts. Grounding them, taking away toys, cell phone and television privileges are effective, nonviolent and preferable means of letting a child know that certain behaviors are unacceptable.

DEAR ABBY: Whenever my husband, "Jim," and I are talking to friends or family and they ask me a question, Jim always answers "for" me. If I am talking with one of my girlfriends, he will jump right in before I have finished my sentence. He does this all the time. I have told him I don't like it, but he won't stop. What can I do to shut him up? -- TRYING TO BE HEARD IN OHIO

DEAR TRYING TO BE HEARD: Obviously, your husband feels that what he has to say is more important than what you have to offer. Because you have told him that it bothers you and have been ignored, enlist the help of friends and family in a team effort. When it happens again, they should immediately respond, "No, Jim. I asked your WIFE that question. Wait your turn." Hearing it may shock him into silence, but he needs it because he has an obnoxious habit.

DEAR ABBY: My dad recently married someone much younger, so my sister and I have a new stepmom. "Tori" has no children of her own. She's nice, but she's trying too hard.

She constantly tries to make "girl talk" about personal things that girls our age talk about with sisters and friends, but not their parents. She also insists on doing things together during our visitations. She takes us clothes shopping and tries to tell us what we should wear.

Tori never knocks before coming into the room where we stay at Dad's, even when she knows we're getting dressed. She says, "We're all girls." She actually spends more time with us than our dad does, but there is such a thing as too much attention.

Tori is now planning an "all girls weekend" for the three of us. Because we'll be sharing one hotel room, there won't be a minute's peace from her. We don't want to hurt her feelings since she's trying so hard -- unlike friends of ours who have the opposite problem with their stepmoms.

How can we discuss boundaries without hurting her feelings? -- TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR TOO CLOSE: You're right, your stepmother is trying too hard. Chalk it up to the fact that she's much younger than your father, is new to the role she's playing and is trying to relate to you as an equal.

What concerns me about your letter is the fact that you are spending more time with your father's wife than you are with him. That's not what visitation is for. My advice is to talk to your mother and father about this, privately. And please do it soon, so an intervention with Tori can be managed before she alienates those she's trying so hard to befriend.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old single woman who considers herself fairly progressive. I have a rewarding career, great family, terrific friends and I date occasionally. One old-fashioned sticking point that is annoying me more and more: I'm sick to death of men I meet who say, "Call me on Saturday" -- or whenever they want to be contacted. What I tell them is, "Call ME if you want to see me." Then they don't bother to call.

Female friends my age and older say it should be up to the man to call the woman. Younger ones say if I'm interested, I should call the guy. I figure if he doesn't call, he's not really interested.

I currently work at home and can appreciate a hectic schedule. When I'm traveling, things can be wild -- so logically, I expect a man to call me if he's interested because the last thing I'd want to do is to interrupt him during his workday. Who is right? -- STICKLER IN PALATINE, ILL.

DEAR STICKLER: Coming from a generation that was raised to believe that the man should always call the woman, it is not easy to take the initiative and make a call. However, the rules of dating have changed since you were taught those restrictions.

It's time you learned a few new tricks -- and the people who can teach you are your younger friends. Let them give you a lesson or two and try some role-playing. I'm sure you'll have the technique down in no time.

DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Adam," is 24 and lives at home. He had some kind of mental breakdown at school -- no one will tell us what he had -- and he says he's too depressed to work or go back to school.

Adam stays in his room all day watching TV. He's on medication, but I don't think he's taking it regularly. His doctor refuses to talk to us because Adam won't give her permission to do so.

Abby, we don't know what to do. Should we let him stay in his room or make him go to work? How can we make him take his medicine? What if he kills himself? We love our son and want to help him, but we don't know how. -- FRANTIC MOM IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR FRANTIC MOM: Because you are involved in your son's care, common sense dictates that you be involved in his treatment planning, and you should insist upon it. Make clear that you are not interested in the details of his therapy, only in what the treatment plan is and what you can do to help. If necessary, inform his therapist that you will pay for therapy only if she gives you some basic information.

It is especially important that you know whether or not your son is actually ready to go to work, and that there is an emergency plan in place should he become suicidal. If the doctor understands the extent to which family involvement helps, she will find a way to explain it to your son so that permission will be given.

Clear boundaries should be set on what you will and will not be told. At that time, you, your son and his doctor will need to make a plan together so you are not put in the position of always having to remind him to take his meds.

If the doctor won't talk directly TO you, remember that she is still permitted to LISTEN to whatever information you want to give -- so leave a voicemail. The therapist will share whatever you say with your son, but at least you will be on record with having given the information.

DEAR ABBY: What are your thoughts on a mother of five children, four girls and a son, ages 10 through 18, who is naked when she awakens them for school each morning?

It bothers them, and I am beyond shocked. Surely common decency hasn't changed that much. Don't you think her behavior is bizarre and inappropriate? -- STUNNED GRANDMOTHER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR GRANDMOTHER: Not everyone feels as strongly as you do about nudity. However, because her relaxed attitude on the subject bothers your grandchildren to the point that they have complained to you, the mother's behavior is inappropriate. Considering the average temperature at this time of year in Pennsylvania, it could also be considered "bizarre."

Because these children are now old enough to get up for school on their own, why not give them each an alarm clock and suggest they start now?

DEAR ABBY: I have three daughters, 2, 16 and 18. My 16-year-old, "Tracy," and I are having an ongoing disagreement. She feels it is my responsibility to make her lunch every day. I feel Tracy is old enough to do it herself, but she insists that all of her friends' mothers do this for their daughters. What do you think of this situation? -- A.B. IN BELMONT, CALIF.

DEAR A.B.: Your daughter may be trying to "guilt" you into doing a chore that she would rather not do, or she may feel emotionally needy. Until recently, Tracy was the baby in your family. Now she is the middle child. It is possible that she feels displaced. You need to talk to her about accepting responsibility and that the willingness to do so is a sign of growth and maturity.