DEAR ABBY: Like "Middle Child in Hackensack, N.J." (Nov. 4), I am a middle child. I have an older brother and a younger sister, and I, too, felt my siblings were favored.

When I was younger, it seemed I was blamed for everything and got nothing from my parents. I am 20 now, and realize that my parents actually gave me a lot.

Because they never spent the money on me that they did on my siblings, I have worked since I was 16 to get what I want, and I've learned how to manage my money. I understand sharing better than they do because I've always had to let my little sister use and borrow my things. I have also learned to accept that nothing comes without hard work, and that the best of everything isn't always the most expensive.

"Middle Child" is not alone. I believe many parents with three kids act this way, although not consciously. Don't resent your family members for this because they do love and care about you. Learn what you can from it. Those lessons will help you more in the long run than being spoiled now will. -- HAPPY IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR HAPPY: You are a thoughtful, wise and mature 20-year-old, and I thank you for your letter. I advised "Middle Child" that she should also turn her frustration into an effort to excel at something -- to find validation from within her family and outside it. Read on for comments from other middle children:

DEAR ABBY: Some parents do favor one child over another, but most try hard not to let it affect how they treat their children. That girl's parents may not realize they are acting differently. I think she should have a non-confrontational private talk with her parents and express her feelings to them. They may be shocked to hear she feels this way.

As a child, I often felt disregarded. This was news to my parents, and we all learned to readjust how we dealt with each other. That was almost 30 years ago, and it made a huge difference. -- SIBLING IN LAUREL, MD.

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle child. Both my siblings were treated better by my mother than I was. Dad tried to make up some of the difference, and it is no surprise that I am closer to him than either of my siblings.

The girl in Hackensack should speak to her school counselor or her religious adviser. Because of my situation I now have a very close relationship with a woman my mother's age, and she has filled in a lot of the gaps left by my mom. Confiding in a close relative can also be a comfort.

Finding someone to talk to makes it a lot easier to get through until you are out on your own. My relationship with my friends has kept me going. And time does help. I'm proof. -- MIDWEST SURVIVOR

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with some of your advice to "Middle Child." Sadly, it's not uncommon for parents to get so wrapped up in daily life that they fail to meet their children's emotional needs. Too many young girls already believe that they must constantly earn the approval of others in order to succeed, and it can easily become a recipe for lifelong low self-esteem. "Middle Child" needs to learn some self-validation skills and to understand that she already has value as a worthwhile human being because of who she is right now. -- WALKED THAT ROAD

DEAR ABBY: Here's my theory about middle children. Visualize a sandwich. The outer layers are two slices of simple bread, and the inner layer is what gives flavor to the sandwich. Without the filling, the sandwich would be boring and tasteless. YOU are the "spice" that makes life fun and yummy. I wouldn't give up my middle spot in the family for anything! -- LAURA IN SAN LUIS OBISPO

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl, and I'm pretty popular in my high school. I'm blessed to have several close friends, and we always have a great time together. My grades are good, and I get along well with my mom, dad and little brother. So what's the problem, you're probably wondering.

I had an argument with my girlfriend "Amber" recently. It was over a "guy issue." I won't go into details because we did end up working it out, but Amber said something during the blowup that has me worried. She said that sometimes my anger gets out of control and concerns her. Two other girls who were with us at the time agreed with her. That floored me.

Abby, this is the first time I've heard about this. I mean, Mom sometimes calls me "Tammy Temper" -- and has accused me of "throwing fits." But my friends never called me on it. In the fight with Amber, she said my fists were clenched and she was afraid I might hit her. (I didn't think so.)

I don't want to scare people. I value my friends. I look forward to going to college and making new friends and having new experiences. I don't want to have a reputation as a hothead. Can you help me? -- "TAMMY TEMPER" IN HARRISBURG, PA.

DEAR "TAMMY": Anger is a normal human emotion. Everyone experiences anger at one time or another. When primitive humans encountered a threat, they would react instinctively with either fear or anger, which gave them a jolt of adrenaline enabling them to fight or escape. It was a survival mechanism.

Infants show frustration by beating their heads against the side of their cribs, screaming or holding their breath until they turn red. Young children throw tantrums, yelling, kicking or hitting. But as we grow older, we learn to recognize what is upsetting us BEFORE we react, and learn to handle the emotion in acceptable ways.

My booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" contains techniques for handling anger effectively and constructively. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in this price.

Anger is an important subject. While many people have been taught from early childhood to suppress it, it is also important to learn how to express it appropriately. Admitting our anger verbally is one way. It's like releasing steam from a pressure cooker, which is both appropriate and healthy. Mature adults express emotions without "throwing fits" or making bullying gestures. Because your mother calls you "Tammy Temper" and your friends are voicing concern, the time has come for you to take control.

DEAR ABBY: When saying the Pledge of Allegiance, should you put your left hand at your side or behind your back? -- WONDERING IN NEW YORK

DEAR WONDERING: I was taught that your left hand should be at your side.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and future son-in-law are being married this summer. They are both vegans, and are planning a vegan dinner for their reception. I thought it was a very cool way of showing what different types of vegan dishes could be planned, but I'm getting grief from my husband. He thinks it is "selfish" of them not to offer a meat dish. I couldn't disagree more.

I told him I think they are right, but that I'd write to you and ask your opinion. It will have no effect on their reception, but I'd like to quiet things down on the home front. -- FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR FUTURE M-I-L: This will be your daughter's day, not your husband's. I'm sure the food they offer will be not only delicious, but also sufficient to satisfy the guests, who may not even realize they aren't being offered meat.

If your husband is concerned about what will be served, he should eat before going to the wedding. Please tell him I said so, and let him chew on that.

DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and really like three boys. I enjoy being with each of them because they are all great guys. The problem is, each one believes that I like just him and has no idea about the others. I don't want to break any of their hearts because they have all told me they like me.

I also don't want to be thought of as a player or anyone saying I'm using them because I really do have feelings for each of them. Any advice? -- LOVES BOYS IN UTAH

DEAR LOVES BOYS: Where did each of those boys get the impression that you liked "only him"? My advice is to set the record straight now, before you DO get a reputation. Just say, "I think you're great, but I'm not ready for an exclusive relationship with anyone right now." It may not be music to their ears, but it's honest.

DEAR ABBY: I will graduate from college in June, and I plan to move back in with my parents. I have a steady job and can afford an apartment if I want, but I'd rather live with my parents because we have always had a close relationship. When I told a few friends my plans, they laughed at me.

Abby, I love my parents and have no problem living with them instead of living alone. What do I say to the "friends" who think I'm silly and stupid? -- DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL: Had you signed your letter with any other name than the one you did, I'd have advised you to tell your friends to mind their own business.

However, because this is the way you identified yourself, allow me to comment. Have you discussed your plans with your parents, and will they welcome you living with them indefinitely? Because you are an adult and self-supporting, will you be contributing financially to the household? Will you have a curfew?

An important part of growing up is leaving the nest and flying solo for a while. My concern is that by living at home and clinging to the role of "Daddy's Little Girl," you won't be able to fully mature as an individual.