DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding "Perplexed in South Dakota" (Oct. 15), who said "terrible things" to her friend in anger. The friend forgave her, but did not wish to continue the friendship.

I have been in that position, but my situation went beyond hurtful words. At the time, I was in a great deal of emotional pain and was devastated because I trusted the people involved. I struggled with forgiving them, and I am happy to say that I recently did.

Through the process, I learned two important lessons: First, forgiveness has everything to do with me and very little to do with the offender. By letting go of the hurt, I freed myself from the emotional bondage I was in.

The second lesson I learned was that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. When you lose trust in someone, it takes time to regain it. Sometimes the damage can never fully be repaired. -- BEEN THERE IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for sharing what you learned. I told "Perplexed" that even though her friend no longer holds a grudge, she may consider "Perplexed" too dangerous to allow back in her life. Readers agreed with my advice that "Perplexed" watch what she says in anger in the future and cited their own experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: One of my best friends and I had a falling-out some time ago due to a misunderstanding (I'll spare you the details). It was very painful for both of us.

She cut off contact with me first, and it was devastating. Despite my efforts, she apparently needed time to gather her thoughts and feelings. After a year and a half she called me, apologized and said she hoped we could pick up where we had left off. The problem is: I can't. I was hurt to the core.

I still stay in touch with her, but my heart is no longer where it was. Although I miss her, I still resent her misjudgment of my loyalty. Forgiveness has many levels, and one level may be that of closure. -- NOT THE SAME IN THE EAST

DEAR ABBY: It is interesting that after saying terrible things to her friend, "Perplexed" did not apologize for several weeks, waited for her ex-friend to contact her, and apologized only after being informed by the friend that she was ending the friendship. The apology was self-serving, given only to convince her friend not to dump her. Why didn't she call immediately after realizing that what she said was awful?

In addition, her apology was in writing, instead of on the phone or in person, to avoid the discomfort of facing her friend. The message this reluctant apology sends is that she was never going to apologize unless and until she stood to lose something.

I see no true remorse -- only indignation that her friend is not "forgiving" her correctly. Some people need to learn what a proper apology is. -- SEEN IT ALL BEFORE IN UPSTATE N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps this example will help "Perplexed" better understand why the friend to whom she said hurtful words couldn't forgive and forget: Take a jar of nails and hammer them into a wooden fence. Imagine that each and every nail is a cruel or unkind word. Now remove each nail one by one, apologizing each time you do. When you are done, stand back and look at the fence. The nails are gone, but the holes remain. Cruel words can leave wounds that no amount of apology can fully erase. -- LIVING BY THAT EXAMPLE IN CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My son says I scold him so often it has given him a complex. He constantly loses things -- coats, lunch boxes, expensive toys, games -- and damages property such as computers, my furniture, etc. He doesn't do it on purpose. It "just happens" (I think) because he is clumsy and heavy-handed, sort of a bull in a china shop.

He often bumps into people -- including me -- and never says "Excuse me," or even appears to notice. At first I would speak to him about these incidents and make him apologize, but after a while I lost my patience and started getting angry. His behavior has continued through high school.

My son is now 19 and still living at home, and these things are still happening. What am I supposed to do? Sit back and say nothing? This morning we were getting into the car to go to work, and he swung his lunch bag around and hit me in the head with it. It contained cans of soda, and it hurt. When no reaction or apology was forthcoming, I said, "You hit me in the head with your lunch bag," and he went off again about always being a failure and everyone always finding fault with him. -- FRUSTRATED MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: It may seem a little late to suggest this, but have you ever had your son evaluated for a psychological or neurological disorder? There may be a reason for his constantly losing things. As to his clumsiness, has his vision -- specifically his depth perception -- been checked by an eye-care specialist? Yes, accidents happen, but when they happen repeatedly, there may be an explanation for it other than klutziness or forgetfulness.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a man my family and friends, and I, all thought was the perfect man/husband for me -- or anyone, for that matter. We have been married less than two months, and I have undeniable proof that he is married to another woman in another state.

We received gifts from two showers -- one given by some friends and another given by my co-workers. Should I give them back? I want to do the right thing. There are about 20 gifts and a small gift certificate.

So far, people who know my situation say I should keep them, but are they just being polite? -- EMBARRASSED AND HEARTBROKEN IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR EMBARRASSED AND HEARTBROKEN: If they have not been used, the gifts should be offered to the people who gave them to you. However, if you have already done this and were told you should keep them, then that's what you should do. The gifts are yours to keep or dispose of as you wish, if you would prefer not to have hurtful reminders around.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 54 years. She is now 90 and I am 87, although we could both pass for 70. We have made love about once a week since the day we were married -- yes, about 2,800 times. Is there any correlation between frequency of sex and lack of apparent aging? -- FEELS LIKE A KID IN ARIZONA

DEAR KID: From everything I have read, regular cardiovascular exercise, lack of stress and a happy marriage contribute to a couple's health and well-being. Because a healthy sex life falls into all three categories, I think you're onto something.

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DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Giselle," is scheduled to have serious surgery soon, and she has forbidden us to come to the hospital. She wants only her husband to be there.

She has gone so far as to call us and make me promise that we will not come. She says we need to respect that she is a grown woman in her late 40s, and this is her decision and her way of dealing with the situation.

Giselle lives two hours from us, and she said she will let us know when we can visit for a few days. Her husband will contact us as soon as the doctor talks to him after surgery. But Giselle says that she simply "does not want to be surrounded by family."

I feel like we are being treated like family pets -- come when you're called; otherwise, stay out of the way. Up to this point we had a close relationship with her. We cannot understand her attitude. What do you think, Abby? -– BAFFLED IN NEW YORK

DEAR BAFFLED: This isn't about you or the family pet. It is about your adult daughter facing what might be a life-threatening or life-changing operation and what will make her most comfortable. I know you love your daughter, and I'm sure it is reciprocated. But I think it is imperative that you abide by her wishes and not impose your own on her at this time.

DEAR ABBY: When taking public transportation and you are seated on the aisle, is it customary and polite to get up so that someone can sit down near the window, or is it OK to just swivel to the side and let them "squeeze in"? -- SEAT SITTER IN DALY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR SEAT SITTER: It is better manners –- and sometimes the better part of wisdom -- to stand and allow the person to be seated.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago I received such a thoughtful Christmas gift from my daughter-in-law that I can't resist telling you about it. First, she sent a card instructing me to open my gifts according to the month written on the package -- so the giving would continue all year long.

For January, she gave me a calendar. For February, a heart-shaped pin; for March, a leprechaun figurine; for April, a bag of candy Easter eggs. A kitchen utensil holder with "Mom" on it was her gift for May; for June she gave me sunglasses; Fourth of July candles were the July surprise; my birthday gift in August was a candy dish. September is Grandparents' Month, so she gave me a grandmother plaque.

Her October gift was a small jack-o'-lantern to hang up in my window. November was a decorative wall hanging, trimmed with nuts and berries. And in December, there were two housedresses.

Abby, I loved the series of gifts. They reflected affection, ingenuity and generosity -- qualities my daughter-in-law has in abundance. Sign me ... A VERY HAPPY MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: It's clear from your letter that you and your daughter-in-law have a special relationship, and it's a credit to both of you. "Gifts that keep on giving" -- meaning gifts that continue throughout the year -- are an excellent idea. That's why magazine subscriptions, boxes of fruit and monthly arrangements of flowers are so popular. However, your daughter-in-law's gift was tailored just for you -- a very clever concept.