DEAR ABBY: I hope you can help with an etiquette question. With same-sex marriage becoming more commonplace, how should I address a letter to a same-sex couple?

Example: Now that Ellen DeGeneres has married Portia de Rossi, would I write to "Mrs. and Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres"? "The Ellen DeGeneres Family"? or "Ellen and Portia DeGeneres"? None of the manners books that I have checked has been able to provide an answer, and I have not seen the issue in print. What do you think? -- STRAIGHT, NOT NARROW IN GLENDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR STRAIGHT, NOT NARROW: Because this topic is so new, there isn't one hard-and-fast answer to your question. Some couples keep or change their individual names, some join their names together with a hyphen, others select a name together and adopt it.

If you have a question about how a particular couple would prefer their mail to be addressed, my advice is to ask them.

DEAR ABBY: While I was visiting with a relative recently, she informed me that my late husband, "John," who died several years ago, had been having an affair. I was so shocked, I did not respond.

John and I married young and experienced good times and bad, but we were happy together -- or so I thought. I live in a small town with many friends and relatives. Needless to say, my heart is broken. I don't know how to respond, or if I should. Why would someone be so hurtful? -- HEARTBROKEN IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your relative is either malicious or a thoughtless motormouth, and what she said may not be true. Respond by treating her as if she has a contagious disease, because in a sense she does. The disease she spreads is misery.

If YOU think you and John had a happy life together, then you did. If John may have lapsed once along the way, forgive him because, in the final analysis, you two made it to the finish line together. Many couples do not.

DEAR ABBY: After 30 years as an automotive transmission rebuilder, I retired. I am blessed with a loving wife, three grown kids, beautiful 10-year-old twin granddaughters, a sugar-sweet beagle, three ungrateful, sassy cats and two time-consuming hobbies. Sounds perfect, doesn't it?

The downside is that eight out of 10 nights, I dream about my previous job. I drift around in the clouds rebuilding transmissions, putting a spring here, a valve there. I'd rather be dreaming about more interesting things -- hunting, fishing and women -- not necessarily in that order.

Can you tell me how to redirect my dreams and enjoy my sleep? Do other tradesmen such as butchers, bakers and candlestick-makers relive their old trades in dreamland? -- ONCE A MECHANIC ... IN ARIZONA

DEAR ONCE A MECHANIC: Your letter shows you can take a mechanic out of the trade, but you can't necessarily take the trade out of the mechanic, butcher, baker, candlestick-maker -- or advice columnist, for that matter. If someone has performed a job long enough, it becomes part of him or her. Of one thing I am certain: The harder one tries NOT to dream about something, the more he or she will.

We cannot control our subconscious -- but we can redirect it. An hour before bedtime, try leafing through magazines about hunting and fishing, or photo albums with pictures of your granddaughters. This may guide your thoughts in a more desirable direction as you drift off to dreamland. And should you find yourself once more at your workbench after nodding off, try this: Tell yourself, "OK, it's time to change the channel." It has worked for me.

DEAR ABBY: I had trouble containing myself when I read the letter from "Mixed-Up in Missouri" (Sept. 21), the "nice guy" with a string of failed relationships because he is "too good to be true." Please let him know that he is truly a gem waiting to be discovered. He reminds me of my own "prince," whom I was finally able to find after a divorce, countless frogs, and 30 years of figuring out what I deserved.

Some women are scared of anything that is different, so when a man treats them well they question it to death. Believe me, I know. My husband and I married five weeks after we met because it just felt right. After 2 1/2 years of marriage, one son and another on the way, I have no regrets. My husband is the kind every woman should have. I would tell "Mixed-Up" that his time will come. Someone will cherish what he has to offer. -- HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN TEXAS

DEAR HAPPILY: Thank you for sharing your hard-earned experience with my readers and me. I am pleased your marriage is working out, but I would not recommend that couples marry after knowing each other only five weeks. I advised "Mixed-Up" to widen his circle of acquaintances and fish in a different dating pool. Many readers wrote in to comment about his letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Mixed-Up in Missouri" said he treated his wife and girlfriends like queens. Perhaps he wasn't telling you everything. I married a man who treated me like a queen too -- until I did or said something he didn't like. You see, everything he did for me came with a price.

Yes, he did nice things for me, but he also expected me to reciprocate in specific ways that he never really explained. If I failed to do something the way he wanted, or with the "wrong" attitude, he would throw it in my face. He did not act out of kindness, but for what he could get in return. He never understood why I eventually quit trying to please him, and "got rid" of me after 14 years of marriage. It turned out to be the biggest favor he ever did for me. -- GLAD TO BE FREE IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: I dated many of these "too good to be true" guys. I cannot stress to you how boring it is to "reign supreme" in a relationship with someone who wants only to do what I want to do, go where I want to go, eat what I want to eat, etc. Even the flowers and gifts don't make up for it.

Women don't want gifts -- we want a man, a partner. In a real relationship I want to work as a team, experience new things and hear new perspectives. It's time for "Mixed-Up" to take a look at what he is actually bringing to the table -- or what he's not. -- TRACY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: I have no desire to be elevated to the status of royalty. What I'm looking for is someone who shares some of my interests, respects my strengths and can help me improve upon my weaknesses -- someone who functions just as well on his own as I do.

"Mixed-Up" is young yet -- probably too young to have gotten married. He needs to start looking at women as partners and not pedestal perchers. I'm sure some women are swept away by his courtship technique initially, but after a while, pedestals become cold and lonely. Women who are damaged or bitter will be distrustful. And secure, well-adjusted women will simply not be interested. -- NOBODY'S QUEEN IN N.J.

DEAR ABBY: There's a saying about men who treat women like princesses. If you worship the ground she walks on, the ground she walks on will be YOU. -- NORM IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I work 5 1/2 days a week (46 hours) with no benefits. I can't afford to miss a day because, on the rare occasion that I must, I don't get paid.

My wife, "Kelly," misses work frequently because she is "sick," "tired," etc. She is in the same boat as I am -- no work, no pay. Kelly knows how tight finances are and how much I hate having to work almost six days with no time off. But she still misses work and treats it like it's no big deal. She says she understands our situation.

I would like to go back to school and get my degree, but I'm afraid to rely on Kelly to pay the bills while I'm in school. I am so frustrated with my wife because of her work ethic that I feel like exploding and screaming at her. How should I handle this situation? -- HARD-WORKING TEXAN

DEAR HARD-WORKING: In the difficult economic environment we're experiencing, many companies are taking a hard look at their expenses and scaling back. Among the ways they are doing this is by laying off employees. Your wife is playing "chicken" with her job. It should not be necessary to scream at her -- just remind her what a fix you will both be in if she should become unemployed.

It might be wise for you to postpone furthering your education until the economy -- and your finances -- are more stable.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and in seventh grade. I sit with a group of nice people at lunch, except for one. "Grady" insults us, cries, yells at us for minor things, and has come right out and said he sits with us only because he likes to annoy us. Once, he started crying on purpose so we would feel bad and sit with him.

We have tried moving to a different table, ignoring him and being unpleasant so he wouldn't want to sit with us. Most of us have known Grady all through grade school, and we have had enough of his crying and yelling at us for no reason. We just want our space. Do you have any suggestions on how to get Grady to leave us alone? Most of us have classes with him, so avoiding him is not an option. -- WANTS SOME QUIET TIME

DEAR WANTS: Grady may be immature for his age, or he may have emotional problems. If you haven't already done so, bring his behavior to the attention of a teacher or a counselor at school. You have described a child who has serious difficulty fitting in, but with counseling from an adult he may be able to adopt more appropriate behavior.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away 26 years ago. After her funeral, I gave her diamond engagement ring to my daughter, "Emma." Since then Emma has had two husbands and two more diamond rings, plus several others with various gemstones to match outfits. As far as I know, she has never worn my mother's ring.

I would like to spend my last years honoring my mother by wearing her ring. I am now 82. It would, of course, be returned to Emma when I die. Would it be all right to ask for that privilege? -- SENTIMENTAL IN COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: Of course it would be all right to ask. However, bear in mind that when you gave your daughter your mother's ring, it became hers to do with as she wished. Her response to your query will tell you volumes about the daughter you raised.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Allow me to wish all of you a happy Festival of Lights!