DEAR ABBY: I have begun dating a woman I find very attractive. I'll call her "Rita." We have many things in common, and she's a lot of fun to be with.

The only thing that troubles me is that after 12 years of being divorced, Rita is still very much involved with her ex. Most of their children are grown. One is a senior in high school, and an older child still lives at home.

Her ex is allowed free access to her home, mostly to see the kids -- and comes and goes at will. They travel together to family functions and to visit children who live in other parts of the state.

Rita recently had her hair styled differently and told me she was annoyed that her ex didn't seem to notice. When he comes to her house to cook for the kids, he leaves the kitchen a mess, which she apparently cleans up.

Do you think Rita has gotten past the divorce? What would you say the odds are of having a successful relationship with her? -- DAZED AND CONFUSED IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: That depends upon what you would consider a "successful relationship." Apparently, Rita's divorce was a very amiable one, and the ex is still a part of her and the children's lives. This can be considered a plus or a minus, depending upon how you feel about a package deal -- because it appears that is what you'll be getting if you become serious about Rita.

DEAR ABBY: I have a "pennies from heaven" story you might appreciate. My best friend, "Darrel," was a smoker who collected quarters. His apartment had two distinguishing features -- stacks of quarters and the smell of secondhand smoke. Because we were both busy people, we had seen each other only twice in about a year, but maintained a phone and e-mail friendship.

I had planned a trip out west to spend time with family and had e-mailed him about it. Unbeknownst to me, Darrel had been very ill, and he died the day I sent the e-mail. I learned about it while I was in transit to my destination. There was nothing I could do. I had no way to get to his funeral and no way to say goodbye.

When we reached our hotel -- part of a smoke-free chain -- my husband and I opened the door to our room and were greeted by a familiar odor. It smelled just like Darrel's apartment! And when I walked to the dresser to unpack, two quarters were sitting on top. It was then that my husband and I agreed that Darrel had stopped to say goodbye on his way to heaven. -- QUARTERS FROM HEAVEN

DEAR QUARTERS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your friend. I'm glad you received some comfort in your time of need. However, it's entirely possible that the guest who occupied the room before you broke the rules and puffed away in a room that was supposed to be nonsmoking. I hope you notified the front desk so you could be switched to other accommodations, and the room could be thoroughly cleaned and deodorized to prevent someone with a sensitivity to smoke from walking in and experiencing a severe allergic reaction.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 38-year-old woman who has been dating a 32-year-old man I'll call "Vinny" for three months. When I realized that I had developed strong feelings for him, I decided to ask him what his feelings were about our friendship and where he saw it going. Keep in mind, Vinny has no children, and I have two from a previous marriage.

Vinny told me he has developed feelings for me, too, but that he wants to have children of his own someday. I respect and understand his honesty. He also said he was scared, and that in the past, when he has felt he was getting too close to someone, he would pull away. That suggests to me that he is commitment-phobic.

My problem is, Vinny continues to call me several times a day and every night before he goes to bed -- although we have not been spending as much time together as we have in the past. Am I wasting my time? Should I start dating other people? I care a lot about Vinny and would like to be with him. -- BEWILDERED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR BEWILDERED: Frankly, the questions you are asking me should be directed to Vinny during one of your daily or nightly conversations. If he's serious about wanting children of his own and you are not interested in having more, that could present a serious problem. If you ARE interested, then there is also the issue of your biological clock.

That said, you and Vinny have known each other only three months. You may have been premature in asking him to declare his intentions so quickly. However, if you weren't on his mind, you wouldn't still be hearing from him. And if he is interested in playing the field, then so should you.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Jade," and I went to college together and now, years later, we live in different parts of the country. She just married a man ("Paul") with whom she is deeply in love, and I am happy for her. At the same time, though, I feel sadness because I do not like Paul. He is cold and curt with me, and seems to be devoid of personality. I feel uncomfortable in his presence.

Because we always stay at each other's homes when we visit, going to see Jade now, of course, means having to be around her husband -- and I dread such a trip. If I tell her I don't like Paul, you can imagine how upset she'll be. Should I simply announce that from here on out I'll be staying at a hotel when I come to visit? -- LOVES HER, NOT HIM

DEAR LOVES HER: By all means. Your visits will no longer be two college friends getting together because a third person has been added to the mix. From your description of Paul's behavior, he isn't particularly comfortable around you either. And if Jade should give you an argument -- as she may -- that's the way you should explain it to her.

DEAR ABBY: I frequently dine out for business meetings. What is the proper way to react when someone asks you a question and you have just taken a bite of food or are in mid-chew? I feel I must acknowledge them, but I don't want to talk with my mouth full. -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT, FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR F.F.T.: Hold one hand up, palm outward. Continue chewing and swallow your food. Point out that the person "caught you with your mouth full," and then answer the question.

DEAR ABBY: I take exception to your reply to "Minister's Daughter, Cayucos, Calif." (Sept. 8), who objected to the greeting and handshaking moment during church service that is dictated by the minister.

I happen to agree wholeheartedly with "Daughter's" sentiments, as do many other members of my church. We feel that the moment is manipulated, interrupts the flow of the service and creates a false bonhomie.

None of us is unfriendly, ungracious or reluctant to make others feel welcome in our church. But we would prefer to do it spontaneously -- before or after the service -- when we actually feel moved to make the gesture. -- LYN IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA.

DEAR LYN: I understand your sentiments. That said, I stand by my answer. I told "Minister's Daughter" that I didn't think it was too much to ask to reach out for a moment to ensure that everyone felt included. However, I received a ton of mail on this subject and opinions were decidedly mixed. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When I attended church with my husband and family, I never cared for the forced greeting custom. However, now that I am divorced and attend church alone, I realize that the human contact is priceless.

One Sunday, our minister said, "Turn to the people next to you and tell them they are beautiful." I turned, and the woman next to me said, "Hello. Has anyone told you that you are beautiful?" Even though it was a "forced" greeting, it touched my heart. Speaking as someone who lives alone and who never hears those words, it brightened my day. The greeting, like the church and life, is not about what you get, but about what you give to someone else. -- GREETER WITH A NEW ATTITUDE

DEAR ABBY: We started this type of greeting years ago, and I also think more people don't like it. I hate it when people cover their face with their hand when they cough or sneeze and then offer a handshake. We all know that colds and flu are transmitted this way.

After hearing complaints, our pastor now asks that we offer a "sign of peace." I much prefer this, and I offer a smile and say, "La paix du Seigneur" (God's peace be with you). However, I never refuse a handshake if one is offered. -- ANDREE IN OTTAWA

DEAR ABBY: Before receiving disability insurance, I was a homeless man. Many times, the only thing that kept me from committing suicide was the opportunity to enter a local church for a few minutes of worship and the reminder that I was still part of the human race.

All too often, my appearance and status were enough to turn most people away. But those who truly walked in the love of God reached out to me with open arms and hearts. And they weren't afraid of catching some unknown disease that living on the streets might produce. In this fragmented society, even "lepers" need love. -- ART IN ABILENE

DEAR ABBY: If the intent of this practice is to make newcomers feel like part of the group, then it is counterproductive. A better way would be for the pastor to encourage gregarious members of the congregation to greet new people after the service. If it is for those worshippers who are already well-acquainted to greet each other in a structured manner, then it is unnecessary. -- WASHINGTON STATE BOOMER

DEAR ABBY: A message to "Minister's Daughter": If you intend to go to heaven, GET USED TO IT. Everyone in heaven greets you. You may be so relieved you made it through the Pearly Gates that you'll be happy to spread a few germs. -- "GRAN" IN LAKELAND, FLA.