DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my brother, "Frank," donated a kidney to me. Of course I'm grateful and have told him so many times.

The problem? Frank talks about it every time I see him. If we attend a funeral, he will say that the person in the coffin would have been me if not for him. He will tell complete strangers in a store, "Ask her what I gave her!" He even took me to a school reunion picnic so he could show his former teachers what a wonderful person he is.

I'm glad I received the kidney. It has added quality to my life. But how can I let my brother know that while I am appreciative, I am also really tired of hearing him remind me every day? -- GRATEFUL SISTER IN KENTUCKY

DEAR SISTER: You may not be able to. Your brother is proud of the fact that he was able to help you. However, if he was truly convinced that he is a good person, he wouldn't feel the need to constantly point it out to strangers, acquaintances and to you.

Tempting as it may be, resist the urge to tell him you're tiring of carrying the burden of gratitude. Continue to reinforce what a good brother he was for literally giving you the gift of self, and return the favor by continuing to pump up his fragile ego. It's a fair exchange.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a busy, full-time doctoral student and live in a large apartment complex where there are only four washing machines for tenants to use.

The last time I went to do laundry, three of the washers were filled with wet clothes. I waited a half-hour and no one came to claim the clothes, so I took the items out and put them in dryers so I could start my own loads. (I didn't have any more time to wait and three loads to do.)

Was it reasonable of me to move someone else's clothes? -- ON A SCHEDULE, AZUSA, CALIF.

DEAR ON A SCHEDULE: Rather than putting the clothes into the dryers where they would take up space, you should have placed the items on top of the dryer or on a folding table where they would be easily seen by the person who left them in the washer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for nine years, married for five. I know without a doubt that he loves me very much and would never do anything to harm our relationship, but I can't get over the fact that he has called me by his first wife's name several times. It makes me feel sad and angry when it happens.

He says he means no harm by it and points out that it has happened with other names, too, which is true. He always apologizes, but that doesn't help. Do you think he is still thinking about her after all these years, or is it an honest mistake? -- WIFE NO. 2 IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WIFE NO. 2: It's an honest mistake, and if you are smart you won't make a big deal about it or brood over it -- particularly because it has happened with other names, too. The best way to handle it is to turn it into a joke and let it go. It is in no way a reflection on you or an indication that your marriage is threatened. In fact, this kind of lapse is very common.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my sister, "Pam," and her husband bought a new telephone with all the features, including speaker, where everyone in the room can hear and contribute to the conversation.

Anytime anyone calls, they automatically punch the speaker button. I learned the hard way one day when I was discussing something very personal with Pam and heard her husband make a comment in the background.

I find speaker phones extremely rude. Pam will do dishes, work in the yard, even walk away to another room while we're talking, and I feel she doesn't give me her undivided attention. I've tried making subtle hints such as, "I'm sorry, but I can't hear you," but that hasn't worked.

Other family members feel the way I do and call her less often because they don't want a group discussion. I miss the private chats I used to share with Pam. Any suggestions? -- MARY IN WINSTON, ORE.

DEAR MARY: I do have a couple. The first is to stop dropping "subtle hints" and tell your sister plainly exactly what you have told me -- including how the rest of the family feels about what she's doing.

And if that doesn't work, teach her a lesson by starting your next conversation with, "Pam, remember when ..." and reminiscing about her most embarrassing moment -- something only a sister would know.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you can answer this quickly. I'm about to start doing my Christmas cards. I keep a list of people I send cards to, so that I don't miss anyone. I also make a note if I don't receive a card from someone.

What is your opinion on removing someone from our list if we don't hear from that person for two or three years? Should I assume that the individual is mad at me, doesn't like Christmas cards, or no longer wants to be "bothered"? I'm sure I'm not alone with this question. -- PRACTICAL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PRACTICAL: To ascribe a motive for not hearing from someone is counterproductive. I believe in direct communication, and that's what I'm suggesting for you. Pick up the phone, tell your friend you are concerned because it has been so long since you have heard from him or her -- and ask why.

There are several reasons why someone may not have exchanged cards with you. A few that spring immediately to mind are: an illness that prevented it, the family may have moved and not received the cards you have sent, or because of the increasing popularity of online greetings, people are sending fewer Christmas cards in the mail.

DEAR ABBY: From the very beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, "Rusty," I have known he was my soulmate. During one of our conversations about marriage, the subject arose of who comes first in a marriage -- the wife or the children. I was brought up to believe that the wife should come first, but Rusty disagrees. Rusty insists the children should come first.

Abby, am I wrong in my thinking? What happened to a man and a woman becoming one? Oh, by the way, Rusty has a 10-year-old girl from a previous relationship. -- WONDERING IN HOT SPRINGS, ARK.

DEAR WONDERING: Forgive me if this seems negative, but while you may "know" that Rusty is your soulmate, I am not convinced. If the discussion you mentioned came about because of Rusty's daughter, then he has made clear to you who comes first. And if you're smart, you won't turn it into a competition. You'll look for an unencumbered man who can give you what you need.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Feels Like a Fool in Gainesville, Fla." (Aug. 11), who complained that her friend "stole" her baby sitter -- I have news for that woman. Baby sitters, even those under 18, aren't indentured servants who serve only one master. A baby sitter is a free agent who can work for anybody she wants. What is that baby sitter supposed to do -- keep her schedule open in the hope this woman is going to call her? What if she doesn't? The baby sitter loses income.

"Feels Like a Fool" is selfish. It's a free market, and baby sitters in demand should work for the families who pay them the most, have the best-behaved kids and offer the tastiest snacks. If someone wants an exclusive arrangement, then put the baby sitter on retainer. -- FORMER BABY SITTER, ALBANY, N.Y.

DEAR FORMER BABY SITTER: You are right. The sitter is a free agent and obviously the "most valuable player" in the baby-sitting game. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A baby sitter is not something you can "steal." This is America, and it's a free, open market. The woman who wrote that letter should call the sitter, offer $2 more an hour and perhaps a signing bonus, along with payment up front. A good sitter is hard to find and worth the additional expense. -- JIM S. IN MOUNTAIN VIEW

DEAR ABBY: I think your response about the adults in question was right on. However, there is a third party in play here -- the baby sitter. It appears the sitter could stand to learn a little about loyalty to her employer. If she no longer wishes to sit for "Fool's" family, she should just say so and become "Mimi's" regular sitter. But if she wants to remain the regular sitter for "Fool," she needs to act like it. This is an essential life skill to learn. Treat those who employ you with respect, or they won't rely on you for very long. -- RETIRED BABY SITTER, SEWICKLEY, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Your response surprised me. It isn't normal behavior for a friend to steal a baby sitter or use you for any purpose. Isn't part of being a good friend that you trust one another? Refusing to share resources with friends implies that other friends will do the same.

The woman who used "Feels Like a Fool" needs to get the message that her behavior is unacceptable. She lied when she said it would only be occasionally; she used her friend and took advantage of her trusting nature. I think you should have advised the writer to dump the friend. -- LYN W., COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Your reply was way off. A baby sitter (hairdresser or house cleaner) often depends on word of mouth for clients. For someone to suggest the baby sitter is theirs exclusively and a "friend" should check with you before hiring her is immature and selfish.

"Fool" should stop whining, book first or find an alternative sitter. I think "Mimi" should find another friend and I don't think you should have told "Fool" to stop being so generous. She obviously isn't either one. -- DONNA H., SEQUIM, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: As a sitter myself, I'm not surprised that the friend asked for a recommendation. Parents often tell me how hard it is to find a good baby sitter, and most of the parents I sit for found me through a friend.

But I would have advised "Feels Like a Fool" differently. I would rather the parents I sit for be honest with me. They should praise their sitter and tell her how much they value her services. And if they believe she's not worth losing, try offering her a raise. -- SITTER IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.