DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my sister, "Pam," and her husband bought a new telephone with all the features, including speaker, where everyone in the room can hear and contribute to the conversation.

Anytime anyone calls, they automatically punch the speaker button. I learned the hard way one day when I was discussing something very personal with Pam and heard her husband make a comment in the background.

I find speaker phones extremely rude. Pam will do dishes, work in the yard, even walk away to another room while we're talking, and I feel she doesn't give me her undivided attention. I've tried making subtle hints such as, "I'm sorry, but I can't hear you," but that hasn't worked.

Other family members feel the way I do and call her less often because they don't want a group discussion. I miss the private chats I used to share with Pam. Any suggestions? -- MARY IN WINSTON, ORE.

DEAR MARY: I do have a couple. The first is to stop dropping "subtle hints" and tell your sister plainly exactly what you have told me -- including how the rest of the family feels about what she's doing.

And if that doesn't work, teach her a lesson by starting your next conversation with, "Pam, remember when ..." and reminiscing about her most embarrassing moment -- something only a sister would know.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you can answer this quickly. I'm about to start doing my Christmas cards. I keep a list of people I send cards to, so that I don't miss anyone. I also make a note if I don't receive a card from someone.

What is your opinion on removing someone from our list if we don't hear from that person for two or three years? Should I assume that the individual is mad at me, doesn't like Christmas cards, or no longer wants to be "bothered"? I'm sure I'm not alone with this question. -- PRACTICAL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PRACTICAL: To ascribe a motive for not hearing from someone is counterproductive. I believe in direct communication, and that's what I'm suggesting for you. Pick up the phone, tell your friend you are concerned because it has been so long since you have heard from him or her -- and ask why.

There are several reasons why someone may not have exchanged cards with you. A few that spring immediately to mind are: an illness that prevented it, the family may have moved and not received the cards you have sent, or because of the increasing popularity of online greetings, people are sending fewer Christmas cards in the mail.

DEAR ABBY: From the very beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, "Rusty," I have known he was my soulmate. During one of our conversations about marriage, the subject arose of who comes first in a marriage -- the wife or the children. I was brought up to believe that the wife should come first, but Rusty disagrees. Rusty insists the children should come first.

Abby, am I wrong in my thinking? What happened to a man and a woman becoming one? Oh, by the way, Rusty has a 10-year-old girl from a previous relationship. -- WONDERING IN HOT SPRINGS, ARK.

DEAR WONDERING: Forgive me if this seems negative, but while you may "know" that Rusty is your soulmate, I am not convinced. If the discussion you mentioned came about because of Rusty's daughter, then he has made clear to you who comes first. And if you're smart, you won't turn it into a competition. You'll look for an unencumbered man who can give you what you need.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Feels Like a Fool in Gainesville, Fla." (Aug. 11), who complained that her friend "stole" her baby sitter -- I have news for that woman. Baby sitters, even those under 18, aren't indentured servants who serve only one master. A baby sitter is a free agent who can work for anybody she wants. What is that baby sitter supposed to do -- keep her schedule open in the hope this woman is going to call her? What if she doesn't? The baby sitter loses income.

"Feels Like a Fool" is selfish. It's a free market, and baby sitters in demand should work for the families who pay them the most, have the best-behaved kids and offer the tastiest snacks. If someone wants an exclusive arrangement, then put the baby sitter on retainer. -- FORMER BABY SITTER, ALBANY, N.Y.

DEAR FORMER BABY SITTER: You are right. The sitter is a free agent and obviously the "most valuable player" in the baby-sitting game. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A baby sitter is not something you can "steal." This is America, and it's a free, open market. The woman who wrote that letter should call the sitter, offer $2 more an hour and perhaps a signing bonus, along with payment up front. A good sitter is hard to find and worth the additional expense. -- JIM S. IN MOUNTAIN VIEW

DEAR ABBY: I think your response about the adults in question was right on. However, there is a third party in play here -- the baby sitter. It appears the sitter could stand to learn a little about loyalty to her employer. If she no longer wishes to sit for "Fool's" family, she should just say so and become "Mimi's" regular sitter. But if she wants to remain the regular sitter for "Fool," she needs to act like it. This is an essential life skill to learn. Treat those who employ you with respect, or they won't rely on you for very long. -- RETIRED BABY SITTER, SEWICKLEY, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Your response surprised me. It isn't normal behavior for a friend to steal a baby sitter or use you for any purpose. Isn't part of being a good friend that you trust one another? Refusing to share resources with friends implies that other friends will do the same.

The woman who used "Feels Like a Fool" needs to get the message that her behavior is unacceptable. She lied when she said it would only be occasionally; she used her friend and took advantage of her trusting nature. I think you should have advised the writer to dump the friend. -- LYN W., COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Your reply was way off. A baby sitter (hairdresser or house cleaner) often depends on word of mouth for clients. For someone to suggest the baby sitter is theirs exclusively and a "friend" should check with you before hiring her is immature and selfish.

"Fool" should stop whining, book first or find an alternative sitter. I think "Mimi" should find another friend and I don't think you should have told "Fool" to stop being so generous. She obviously isn't either one. -- DONNA H., SEQUIM, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: As a sitter myself, I'm not surprised that the friend asked for a recommendation. Parents often tell me how hard it is to find a good baby sitter, and most of the parents I sit for found me through a friend.

But I would have advised "Feels Like a Fool" differently. I would rather the parents I sit for be honest with me. They should praise their sitter and tell her how much they value her services. And if they believe she's not worth losing, try offering her a raise. -- SITTER IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are still at odds over something that happened months ago. He, his best friend and my 13-year-old son, "Mark," went to spring training in Florida. On one of the days, they went to lunch at a restaurant that features scantily clad waitresses. My husband told Mark not to tell me about it and to leave the telling to him.

When they returned home on Sunday after their three-day weekend, Mark let it slip where they had gone for lunch one day. I hit the roof!

Mark is a very young 13. I was furious that my husband took him to a place that Mark described as making him feel "uncomfortable" because of all the skin that was being shown. After I jumped on my husband for doing it, I heard him outside yelling at Mark for telling me before he had a chance to.

I'm being accused of overreacting, Abby. Am I? -- PROTECTIVE LIONESS IN ATLANTA

DEAR LIONESS: I don't think so. If your husband had been proud of what he had done, he wouldn't have asked Mark to keep it a secret. His request was both dishonest and sexist. It was an invitation to your son to join the "boy's club" and exclude you, and it makes me wonder what the next indiscretion your son would have been asked to cover up would have involved.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a normal 10-year-old girl, but when my mom gets mad, I get scared. She doesn't hit me, but I still feel panicked when she's mad.

My siblings have told me they're scared of her, too. I don't have anyone to turn to because my mom and dad are both only children.

Please tell me what to do. Should I wait until I'm older, or should I say something now? I'm confused and really scared of her. What should I do? -- SCARED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SCARED: Talk to your mother about your feelings now. You are reaching an age when you should be able to safely confide all of your concerns to her and be able to communicate without being afraid she will overreact. Because you and your siblings are all afraid, your mother may be expressing her frustration in a way that is not appropriate.

If the situation doesn't improve after you and your siblings talk to her, perhaps another adult can make her understand her behavior is counterproductive. Your dad, a close friend of hers, the mother of one of your friends, or a trusted teacher or school counselor may be able to help.

DEAR ABBY: What do I do about my aging mother who says whatever pops into her head as if she has no filter? Lately, she has been blurting out racial slurs. Abby, this is not the way we were raised.

Is my mother getting dementia? And when she does this in public, what do I say to the person she has just insulted? -- MAMA'S DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your mother may have some form of dementia -- and you and the rest of the family should inform her doctor so that Mama can get a physical and neurological workup to find out why her behavior has changed so radically.

As to what to say to the people at whom she targets her racial slurs, simply say, "Please forgive my mother. She's had another lapse, and she's not herself."

Believe me, you have my sympathy.