DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are still at odds over something that happened months ago. He, his best friend and my 13-year-old son, "Mark," went to spring training in Florida. On one of the days, they went to lunch at a restaurant that features scantily clad waitresses. My husband told Mark not to tell me about it and to leave the telling to him.

When they returned home on Sunday after their three-day weekend, Mark let it slip where they had gone for lunch one day. I hit the roof!

Mark is a very young 13. I was furious that my husband took him to a place that Mark described as making him feel "uncomfortable" because of all the skin that was being shown. After I jumped on my husband for doing it, I heard him outside yelling at Mark for telling me before he had a chance to.

I'm being accused of overreacting, Abby. Am I? -- PROTECTIVE LIONESS IN ATLANTA

DEAR LIONESS: I don't think so. If your husband had been proud of what he had done, he wouldn't have asked Mark to keep it a secret. His request was both dishonest and sexist. It was an invitation to your son to join the "boy's club" and exclude you, and it makes me wonder what the next indiscretion your son would have been asked to cover up would have involved.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a normal 10-year-old girl, but when my mom gets mad, I get scared. She doesn't hit me, but I still feel panicked when she's mad.

My siblings have told me they're scared of her, too. I don't have anyone to turn to because my mom and dad are both only children.

Please tell me what to do. Should I wait until I'm older, or should I say something now? I'm confused and really scared of her. What should I do? -- SCARED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SCARED: Talk to your mother about your feelings now. You are reaching an age when you should be able to safely confide all of your concerns to her and be able to communicate without being afraid she will overreact. Because you and your siblings are all afraid, your mother may be expressing her frustration in a way that is not appropriate.

If the situation doesn't improve after you and your siblings talk to her, perhaps another adult can make her understand her behavior is counterproductive. Your dad, a close friend of hers, the mother of one of your friends, or a trusted teacher or school counselor may be able to help.

DEAR ABBY: What do I do about my aging mother who says whatever pops into her head as if she has no filter? Lately, she has been blurting out racial slurs. Abby, this is not the way we were raised.

Is my mother getting dementia? And when she does this in public, what do I say to the person she has just insulted? -- MAMA'S DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your mother may have some form of dementia -- and you and the rest of the family should inform her doctor so that Mama can get a physical and neurological workup to find out why her behavior has changed so radically.

As to what to say to the people at whom she targets her racial slurs, simply say, "Please forgive my mother. She's had another lapse, and she's not herself."

Believe me, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a foreign exchange student studying in the U.S. Other exchange students and I have been debating two questions.

The first: Is it OK to buy a movie ticket and watch two or three movies? Some say "yes" because theaters tolerate it in the hope that customers will buy snacks and drinks in the process. Others say it goes against the honor system.

The second is: Is it wrong to return merchandise you never intended to buy in the first place? Example: to buy a novel and return it after reading it. My friends say bookstores expect a certain number of returns and build it into the cost of the books. As long as the book is kept in good condition, it's OK. Other friends stress, however, that this, again, is taking advantage of the honor system.

What is your opinion? -- CURIOUS STUDENT IN HOUSTON

DEAR CURIOUS: Both of the examples you have given are forms of cheating and theft. I cannot think of a single country where this kind of behavior is sanctioned. If enough customers behaved that way, it could put the business owner out of business.

And one more thing -- you and your fellow exchange students represent your countries, and what you do while you're here reflects not only on yourselves personally, but also the country that sent you.

DEAR ABBY: I have two grandchildren. My first is a girl named "Skylar," and my second is a boy, "Dante." I raised two sons as a single mother and always had a house full of boys.

Since Skylar was born, she has become my world. I take her everywhere with me, but my nerves just can't handle Dante. I am being criticized for treating my grandchildren differently and accused of being prejudiced. It may be true. But Skylar is very sweet, while Dante -- whom I do love -- is "all boy" and hard to handle.

Are my feelings due to the fact that Skylar is my first grandchild, or because she's the first girl in my life? Or am I just burned out on boys? I turn down dates to spend time with her. I'd rather spend the rest of my life with my granddaughter than any man on Earth.

Do other grandparents feel this way, or am I obsessed? -- SKYLAR'S NANA IN FLORIDA

DEAR NANA: They may feel similarly, but if they are intelligent, mature and caring, they conceal it better than you do.

Whether you choose to spend time with your grandchildren or an eligible man is your choice. But to make it obvious that you favor one child over the other is cruel, and the less-loved little one will recognize it, be hurt and resent it.

DEAR ABBY: I have developed a weird habit. I'll remember something that happened in the past, think of what I should have said and then burst out loud with a remark. Other times I'll chuckle or say something like, "Oh, no!"

Sometimes my husband hears me and asks if something is wrong. How can I explain this without seeming like I'm totally losing it? Or am I? I'm only 50, and I'm afraid I'm turning into a dotty old lady. -- CRAZY? LADY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LADY: What you're doing isn't that unusual, so try to be less hard on yourself. You're not crazy, and you're no dottier than the rest of us. Explain to your husband that when you do this, it is an attempt to "repair" the past.

P.S. If you train yourself to stay in the moment rather than dwelling on things in the past, you will find yourself talking to yourself less often.

DEAR ABBY: Now that the year-end holidays are here, I find myself once again in the sometimes difficult position of having to explain to acquaintances and co-workers why I don't celebrate them.

I am single. My parents died many years ago, and I have no family. My only surviving sibling and his wife are both alcoholics who drink to excess over the holidays and cause tension in their family. I have attended Al-Anon meetings, and because I refused to look the other way while they were drinking, I was cut off.

Co-workers take time off at Christmas, but I take mine at other times of the year. Over time, I have found that I would rather spend a so-called holiday catching up on correspondence, taking a walk, reading a good book or sewing. Outside of work or professional organizations, I do not do anything about the year-end holidays. I understand the religious and historical significance of these celebrations and keep them in my heart, but do not observe them in a visible manner. This is my choice.

When people ask me what I'm doing for the holidays, it is an awkward moment. How can I gracefully explain that I choose to keep the holidays in my heart only and enjoy the day as a small vacation for myself? -- LONG BEACH LONER

DEAR LONER: You need no advice from me. Your last sentence expresses your sentiments beautifully.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 6 feet 2 inches, weigh 240 pounds and can bench-press 400 pounds. I practice martial arts and shoot firearms for recreation and competition on weekends. I generally keep my social life to myself unless I am specifically asked because people have made jokes at my expense in the past.

I have worked for the same company for 10 years, and have not only mastered every aspect of my job but also trained most of my co-workers and their supervisors.

Recently, a supervisor's position opened up, and many thought I was going to get it. A friend was hired instead. He apologized to me, then told me about things that had been said about me behind my back. Apparently, I'll never become a supervisor because "people don't respect me; they fear me." Also, they are "afraid I'll lose it and kill everyone."

I have no idea what to say or do with this information. I can't change who I am, and I can't change the way others see me after all this time. What would you suggest I do to get myself promoted? -- GENTLE GIANT IN FLORIDA

DEAR GENTLE GIANT: It is important that you find out whether what your friend told you is true. While your physique may be imposing, after 10 years at the company your co-workers should be familiar enough with your temperament to know that you do not pose a threat of "losing it."

Ask your employer why you were passed up for the promotion and if it's true that you have advanced as far as you can with the company. If the answer is yes, then you should look for a job with more opportunity for advancement elsewhere.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)