DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just found out that his daughter and her boyfriend duped everyone -- including us -- with a formal, traditional wedding ceremony, but the "marriage" is not legal. They had no intention of being legally wed, but felt that because they are having a baby, they were entitled to a formal wedding.

We paid a large amount of money to attend this wedding, Abby, including gifts and a bridal shower. When confronted, they showed no remorse for their deception. In fact, they are extremely arrogant about it. They say it's their personal business and consider themselves "married in the eyes of God."

I am furious over this scam, which affects more than 100 family members and friends. Please advise. -- DECEIVED IN ARIZONA

DEAR DECEIVED: Usually when couples are married in a "formal, traditional" wedding ceremony, the clergyperson or other officiant asks the couple -- and their witnesses -- to sign a marriage certificate. How could this not have happened?

"Marriages in the eyes of God" usually involve special circumstances such as seniors who are in danger of losing pension benefits if they marry in a civil ceremony. I don't blame you for being furious at the deception, which was nothing more than a gift grab. And, embarrassing as it may be, you should inform the others who were also "taken" -- better they hear it from you than think you were part of the deception.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I share a joint checking account with both checks and debit cards. When she makes purchases or writes checks, she doesn't record her purchases in the check ledger that we keep at the home computer.

I am the one who does the family finances, and if I don't check the activity online daily, it comes as a big surprise to me when her checks are cashed by the payee, sometimes weeks later.

When I confront her about recording her purchases, she turns it around and gets mad at me. It's extremely frustrating. I'm trying hard to avoid bounced checks and insufficient funds fees, but I can't do it alone. I need her help, and she won't listen. How can I get her to cooperate? – FRUSTRATED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your wife's behavior is childish and irresponsible. If she can't remember to enter her checks into her check register or your ledger, then she should save her receipts and give them to you on a regular basis.

It is well-known that arguments about money and finances frequently cause marriages to fail. If your wife won't listen to you, perhaps she will listen to a marriage counselor and/or financial adviser. And if that doesn't do the trick, close the joint account and have her open one of her own so she can experience firsthand the pain of paying penalty fees.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a very special skill that is creating a problem with our friends. He can repair almost any electronic device and has done so for our friends on numerous occasions. However, it has reached the point that now they expect him to fix their devices and offer no thanks -- monetary or otherwise. How can we get the point across that his time is valuable and should be respected as such? -- HANDYMAN'S WIFE, NEWPORT, ORE.

DEAR HANDYMAN'S WIFE: Your husband should tell these people -- with a smile -- that he does not have the time to fix the item and that it should be taken to a professional repair shop or to the store from which it was purchased.

DEAR ABBY: My first serious relationship lasted a year and ended more than eight years ago. "Stacy" was terrific, but we were very different, and our relationship came to an amicable end.

Several months later, I heard that Stacy had begun dating a close friend of mine, "Alex," soon after our breakup. Needless to say, I was devastated. Alex's betrayal was as painful or more so than that of Stacy. I broke off all contact with them in an attempt to salvage my dignity. I haven't spoken to either one since.

All these years later, I am happily married to a wonderful woman. I hear through the grapevine occasionally that Stacy and Alex are still together. Whenever I do, I feel unaccountably upset. It's not that I'm pining for an old flame, because I wouldn't trade my wife for any woman on Earth. I have thought a lot about it and believe I am clinging to the naive belief -- or hope -- that people who do unkind, deceitful things always come to regret it in the end.

I am grappling with the guilt of wishing unhappiness for two people who are obviously happy together. I can't help it, but I know I'd be glad if I learned they'd broken up. I am confused and embarrassed about why I even still care. Your thoughts, please? -- LACKING CLOSURE IN SAN JOSE

DEAR LACKING CLOSURE: Frankly, after reading your letter, I am a little confused, too. You say your relationship with Stacy came to an "amicable" end because you were very different. And yet, you view the idea that a friend could be interested in her as a "betrayal," "unkind, deceitful" and an assault on your dignity. It appears that after all this time, you still have not grown up.

That a happily married adult would spend his time looking back eight years to a relationship that came to an "amicable" end, and harbor the feelings that you do, is a petty waste of time. What did you expect the girl to do? Enter a convent? Stamp "taboo" on her forehead?

You say you believe in and hope for the concept of karma. Be careful what you wish for because it can rebound and affect what happens to you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old woman who gained some weight after I recently quit smoking. Now my co-workers and people I hardly know keep asking me if I'm pregnant.

All the weight I've gained is in my stomach. I do look pregnant. (I have two daughters, so obviously, I have seen myself in that state.)

How should I respond to these people without coming off as mean and angry? -- UN-EXPECTING IN SCHENECTADY

DEAR UN-EXPECTING: Sometimes the best way to put thoughtless people in their place is to simply tell them the truth. In your case, smile and say, "I'm NOT pregnant." I'll bet the responses you get to that statement will be interesting.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I disagree on many things, one of which I think you can help us with. When an appointment or event is changed to a later date or time, what is the correct term? My husband says the time has been "pushed back," and I say it has been "pushed ahead." Nothing is riding on this except maybe bragging rights! What do you say? -- M.W. IN NEW WINDSOR, N.Y.

DEAR M.W.: I say it has been "postponed."

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 15 years to the sweetest man in the world. We love each other, we like each other, and I feel truly fortunate.

I was recently involved in a conversation with some co-workers who were discussing marriage, and they asked me what I would do if my husband left me. I told them I trust my husband completely, and I know he would never leave me.

I was then informed that I am living in a fairy tale! The rest of the conversation was spent trying to convince me that my husband will eventually leave me, even though none of these people has ever met him. He has never cheated on me. I tried to explain that there are still some decent men in the world, but they refused to accept it.

Abby, I prefer not to live my life looking for negative things because I believe it taints relationships. I believe that if I continue to view my marriage as blessed and wonderful, it will be. Why can't people allow others to be happy? What prevents these people from seeing good instead of bad and, more important, why can't they see that there are couples in good marriages who are committed to making them work? -- HAPPILY MARRIED IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED: Have you never heard the expression "misery loves company"? Some people are so dysfunctional that the only way they can make themselves feel better is to make others feel worse. When they see a happily married couple, it reminds them that in some way they failed or chose someone who failed them.

You have a healthy, optimistic attitude and a successful marriage. Please do not allow your co-workers to continue to spread their negativity, or sooner or later it may affect you. Avoid them, live your life, continue to appreciate what you have, and let them wallow in their suspicion and discontent.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I host Christmas at our home. We have always served the meals buffet-style. Please tell me how to address the problem of relatives who move down the serving line constantly licking their fingers and then touching the utensils of all the other dishes. This may not be a concern to everyone, but to us it is unsanitary and unappetizing.

While we're on the subject, whatever happened to people washing their hands before they eat? Please hurry with your answer. The holidays are almost here, and I need a solution. -- PICKY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PICKY: While it's advisable for people to wash their hands before eating, not everyone does -- and unless you want to assume the role of "Mommy" and pass out anti-bacterial hand wipes as people get in line, you may have to accept that some of your guests won't do it.

As to how to handle the "contaminated" utensils, consider serving the food cafeteria-style, with you and your spouse doling it out to each of your guests. This should eliminate the "ick" factor.

DEAR ABBY: I know this issue has been addressed before in your column, but now it has happened to me. My adult son died a year ago. It was very sudden. I try not to constantly talk about him, but when I meet people for the first time and I am asked if I have children, how should I respond? I have one other child, an adult daughter. -- WONDERING IN OHIO

DEAR WONDERING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your son. When someone asks if you have children, it is perfectly acceptable to tell the questioner that you have two -- a daughter and a son in heaven.

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