DEAR ABBY: I need some serious advice. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis a year ago. My condition is stable. I have taken the necessary precautions such as dietary changes, exercise and prescription medications.

My husband and I have been married eight years. This is my second marriage and his third. My husband is a very stubborn man. Once he makes a decision he stands by it until death.

He has recently announced that should I become incapacitated and unable to perform my "wifely duties," he is going to find a "sex buddy." What should I do about this announcement? -- WIFE IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR WIFE: I can't imagine an announcement that would cool a woman's ardor faster than the one your husband made to you. You say that "once he makes a decision he stands by it until death." Remind him that when you were married he promised to be faithful to you until death do you part. From my perspective, your husband appears to be a self-serving hypocrite, and you need to decide if that's the kind of person you want to live with for the rest of your life.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Logan," recently proposed. I gladly accepted. Logan is a little timid about announcing the fact that we are engaged. He's afraid of what people will think because we have only been together for seven months.

What is the appropriate time frame for courting before becoming engaged? -- NEW FIANCEE, SELIGMAN, ARIZ.

DEAR NEW FIANCEE: It depends upon the ages and the level of life experience of the individuals involved. Smart couples wait to become engaged until they have seen each other under a variety of circumstances -- including some that are not pleasant. And after they do decide, they sign up for pre-marital counseling to make absolutely sure they agree on subjects like money management, how many children they want, and how they will be raised -- the "little" things that can make or break a marriage. Because Logan seems uncomfortable about revealing your engagement, the two of you may have jumped the gun.

And now, Dear Readers, I will continue the tradition of offering the Thanksgiving Prayer that was written by my dear mother, Pauline Phillips. No Thanksgiving would be complete for me without it:

Oh, Heavenly Father,

We thank thee for food and

remember the hungry.

We thank thee for health and

remember the sick.

We thank thee for freedom and

remember the enslaved.

May these remembrances stir

us to service,

That thy gifts to us may be

used for others. Amen.

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Love, ABBY

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "All in Love Is Fair" (Oct. 1), asking your opinion about asking her boyfriend to pay for half the cost of her birth control pills, made me chuckle. I have been married for 28 years, but when my husband and I were going together, I paid for my birth control. One day when I was at the pharmacy and my birth control method went from the conveyer belt to the bagger, she remarked how expensive it was. I just smiled and said, "Not as expensive as a baby!" The checker cracked up. I think you gave the writer the correct answer. -- BEEN THERE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thanks for your support, but we are definitely in the minority. I heard from one other reader who agreed with us. On the other hand, thousands of men and women wrote that my answer was sexist and outdated. Please forgive my lapse, folks. I admit that while my batting average may be pretty fair, I am not "pitch" perfect. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I preach equal responsibility for birth control to both my daughters and my son! Shame on you for telling "All in Love" that paying for birth control is only the woman's responsibility. It is the responsibility of both partners. Only when men are as concerned about preventing unwanted pregnancies as women will there be fewer unwanted (and often abused) children and single welfare mothers. Please rethink this. -- JEAN W., FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: It's bad enough that women usually have to deal with the birth control issue, but having to pay 100 percent of the cost is absurd. Men should kick in toward other forms of birth control, as they reap the benefits. Likewise, a woman should split the cost of condoms.

Perhaps "All in Love Is Fair" should tell her boyfriend it's now his turn to take care of the birth control and offer to split the cost of the vasectomy. -- REBECCA IN ATLANTA

DEAR ABBY: I work in the area of unintended pregnancy prevention. One of the biggest hurdles this country faces in tackling the problem is getting males to shoulder their responsibility in preventing unintended pregnancy. You have set the field back with your response.

Men who insist that birth control is solely the responsibility of the woman aren't mature enough to be having sex. If the boyfriend is unwilling to contribute toward preventing pregnancy, she should stop having sex with him. -- S.S. IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that a personal prescription drug should not be a shared expense if it's for an illness. But pregnancy is not an illness. Not having children is the responsibility of both parties involved, just as having children is the responsibility of both. Please tell her "Don't pop the pill if he won't share the bill!" -- PAUL IN LA PORTE, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: When my boyfriend and I became sexually active in college, he went with me to Planned Parenthood and waited while I saw the doctor. He paid half the cost of the birth control device, saying, "This is for our pleasure together, and it protects us from becoming parents before we're ready. It's my responsibility, too." I knew right then that he really loved me, because he cared about my future.

That sweet, honorable boy grew up into a loving and supportive husband. We've been happily married almost 20 years. -- MARISSA IN PALO ALTO

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I spent last Thanksgiving weekend with tears streaming down my face. Both my adult daughters spent the holiday with us.

I served dinner to more than 20 people and got no help cleaning up until Friday morning when I had a meltdown and demanded some. Then my older daughter said, "Sorry," in a sarcastic tone, and my younger daughter responded with, "Anybody mind if I take a shower now?" (My husband works third shift and helps me as much as he can.)

I spent all that day loading and unloading the dishwasher, and putting things back where they belong. My daughters spent the day shopping, visiting friends and watching TV.

I have spent my life trying to make holidays special for my daughters so they would have happy childhood memories. All my hard work seems to have backfired. Instead of wanting to participate in making these memories happen, they have developed a sense of entitlement -- as if I am obligated to do everything. My daughters revert to being children the minute they cross the threshold, expecting me to be their mommy, cook and maid who attends to their every need. I have spoken to them about this repeatedly. They always promise to do better, but never do until I cry.

Please print this. I know I'm not the only mother who suffers this way. Maybe your response can save us all. -- HEARTBROKEN IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Don't blame your daughters. You created this monster, and it's now up to you to fix it. Inform your daughters TODAY what chores they will be expected to do when they arrive -- including the preparation of some of the menu items. If the dishes don't get done, they won't be served this year.

Also, tell them what part of the cleanup they have been assigned. If your princesses don't perform, let them know that Thanksgiving will, indeed, be a "memory" because you can no longer shoulder the responsibility alone.

P.S. You should not have to burst into tears before your daughters act responsibly. If they give you any argument, schedule a lovely vacation for you and your husband next Thanksgiving. You deserve one.

DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about my 37-year-old brother, "Ricky," who still lives at home with our mother. Ricky is good-looking, never married and has never really had a girlfriend. Our father passed away four years ago, and since then our mother has become dependent on Ricky for everything.

Neither one has any friends outside the family. I try to get my brother to come out and meet people and have some fun, but he generally declines. If he does agree to come, Mother comes with him.

Please don't get me wrong. We all love and support her in every way, but this situation is unhealthy and weird. They almost act like a married couple. Please help. What should I do? -- DESPERATE SIS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SIS: Start by having a frank talk with your brother and asking him if he likes living his life this way. There has to be a reason why a good-looking, 37-year-old man has never had a girlfriend. Maybe he doesn't want one.

After that, it's time to have a chat with your mother. I don't know how old she is, but one would think that she might like to "play" with people her own age. If she indicates any interest, then you and your siblings should encourage her to reach out. If she doesn't, then MYOB.