DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married eight years. Six months before we met, he had a one-night stand with his brother's girlfriend -- now his brother's wife. His brother was present and involved, if you know what I mean. I am no saint by any means, but this is information I wish he had never told me because now I can't stand the sight of either of them.

My husband has never cheated on me or asked me to have a threesome or anything like that. He worships the ground I walk on and is the perfect mate, very sensitive about my feelings. He has told me he wishes it had never happened, and he feels ashamed.

We live in a small town. I see his brother and his wife all the time and, of course, at all the family gatherings. I have to get over this somehow. I know it's in the past and it was before me, but I get so upset every time I see either one of them that I just want to go off. Please help me. -- NOT OVER IT IN TENNESSEE

DEAR NOT OVER IT: No one can blame you for finding these people repulsive, and what happened so long ago was no one's brightest moment -- including your husband's. However, because you must have regular contact with them, I do have a suggestion for you. Forgive them. If you do, it will cause less wear and tear on your soul than what you have been putting yourself through.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with jealousy. I lash out at my boyfriend over minor things, like not coming home within an hour or so of when he says he will, not giving me the passwords to his e-mail accounts, etc.

Is this a real problem I should get help for? He hasn't given me any reason to think he would be unfaithful. I just have these uncontrollable urges. It's tearing apart our relationship, and I don't know how to overcome these feelings. Any help would be so appreciated. -- GREEN-EYED MONSTER IN TEXAS

DEAR GREEN-EYED: Your problem isn't jealousy, it is insecurity, and if it's destroying your relationship, then you must figure out the reason for it. If you really need to check your boyfriend's e-mail and have him account for every moment he is away from you, something is wrong with the romance and its days are numbered. Because he has given you no reason to think he has been unfaithful, you are right to start looking in the mirror for the source of the problem. Some sessions with a psychologist will help you get to the bottom of it. Do it now.

DEAR ABBY: My brother is being married for the first time at the age of 69. His fiancee is 69, and it's also her first marriage.

They have been dating each other since the early '80s and maintained separate residences until seven years ago, when they moved in together. What kind of gift do I get them for their wedding? -- PERPLEXED IN POMONA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Ask the happy couple where they are registered for wedding gifts. But don't be surprised if they tell you that all they want are your blessings and good wishes, and that your presence at their nuptials is the only "present" for which they are asking.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Future Skin Artist, Port Huron, Mich." (Aug. 7), the 18-year-old male who wants to be a tattoo and piercing artist and who sports 20 piercings and a tattoo. He was complaining about the stares and cruel remarks he got from people.

I am a devoted 33-year-old mom of an 8-year-old son. I have a degree in computer forensics, a successful career, 34 piercings and 20 tattoos.

I started by getting my tongue and eyebrow pierced when I was 18. I have had to deal with all the same issues, and it used to frustrate me. Over the years, I have learned a few things about dealing with people.

Most people are not trying to be rude or offensive -- they're just curious. It is essential to not be rude to them, but to smile and answer, "Of course it hurt, but it's not so bad."

I worked with a lady who was shocked when she saw me with my jewelry in. She said she could not believe that a nice person like me could have "those ugly things that criminals wear." After a discussion, she told me that she realized her stereotypes were wrong and would never judge a person that way again. It was one of the proudest days of my life. -- GINGER IN MARYLAND

DEAR GINGER: Thank you for your input. I was impressed by the upbeat nature of the responses to that young man's letter. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: To the 18-year-old aspiring piercer/tattoo artist in Port Huron: If this is your future career, don't you realize that YOU are the best advertising you can get for your future business? You can't pay for the type of promotion you can give yourself.

If you really are as "nice" and "respectable" a human being as you say you are, answer people's questions with a smile and hand them your business card. Start a Web site and explain why you want to be a body modification artist. Keep people updated on how far along you are on your project.

You are in charge of how you will be perceived. Leave folks with a good impression and become the best tattoo artist in the Thumb! (That's a part of Michigan, for you outsiders.) -- MICHIGAN RICK IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: Advising "Future Skin Artist" to move to Los Angeles was highly impractical. There is an overabundance of piercing/tattoo artists in California, particularly in L.A. He would be far better off to find a well-known, respected person in the field and approach that individual about an apprenticeship to learn the craft. -- PROUD PAINTED LADY IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Tell that guy to move to Pittsburgh. In my neighborhood, piercings, body art and fluorescent hair are as common as business people in suits. He wouldn't get a second glance here. Plus, Pittsburgh's a heck of a lot closer to his hometown than L.A. -- TATTOOED BANKER

DEAR ABBY: When people gawk or ask questions, he should respond, "We must all suffer for our art." -- MOM WHO UNDERSTANDS

DEAR ABBY: Congratulations to "Future Skin Artist." You have a passion and know what you want to do in life. Some 40-year-olds still have no clue what they want to be when they grow up.

You'll hear comments about your appearance all your life. When someone asks about a piercing or tat, offer them your business card. You are a walking billboard. I wish you the best of luck! -- MIDWEST MARY

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single 59-year-old man who is dating an attractive 40-year-old woman. I wear glasses, and she wears contact lenses, which she takes out before we go to bed at night. Of course, I remove my glasses.

The problem is, when we become intimate, we can barely see each other -- even with the lights on. We want to know what each other looks like when we're making love. Any suggestions? -- EYES WIDE OPEN IN ROGERS, ARK.

DEAR EYES WIDE OPEN: I am not a vision expert, and this is something you should discuss with your eye-care professional. However, because you are both blind as bats without corrective lenses, perhaps it's time you considered the Braille method.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 37 years recently purchased our tombstones and had them installed on our cemetery plots. I didn't even know about this latest purchase -- only the plots. He even had both our names and birthdates put on the tombstones. I was shocked to receive photos of them from the funeral home.

I had previously mentioned to him that I'm not sure if I want to be buried in Wisconsin and to please not put my name on the stone now. I always thought married couples should discuss such details before making a decision.

I am having a really hard time with this. He has been secretive and domineering. I feel betrayed and no longer feel I can trust him. Am I wrong on this? -- DESPERATE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DESPERATE: If your husband has always been secretive and domineering, then this is the man you married, and this latest episode is just more of the same. If, however, he has recently BECOME secretive and domineering, it is important for you to discuss this with your family doctor because your husband may need to be medically and neurologically evaluated.

Women usually outlive men, so your husband may have jumped the gun in making this decision "for" you. Look at the bright side. If he predeceases you, you can sell the second cemetery plot, take a lovely cruise and have the stone turned into a planter.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Madge," lives 1,400 miles away, and my husband and I rarely see her. Because of issues in the past, I do not care for her company -- and that's putting it mildly.

Yesterday, Madge called my husband and invited herself and my sister-in-law to Thanksgiving dinner with MY family! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I look forward to spending the time with my family, especially those I only get to see a few times a year. How can I tell Madge that they can't come without making them angry? -- T-DAY WITH MY FAMILY

DEAR T-DAY: Obviously, you can't -- and neither could your husband. You can, however, control to some extent how much contact you have with her if you have assigned seating.

Put Madge and your sister-in-law at the other end of the table on either side of your husband. Keep a smile on your face and stay busy with all the "duties" a hostess must perform. You'll get through it. And next year, tell your husband to check with you before allowing his mother to invite herself.