DEAR ABBY: My parents recently took my kids for a "day with Grandma and Grandpa." My children are 5 and 3. When they returned home, they were driven by one of my siblings with Grandma in tow. My sibling stated that he was the "designated driver."

My husband and I are extremely upset that my parents chose to drink when they had our children in their care, and so extensively that they needed someone else to get the children home safely. We'd like to discuss this with them and ask them not to consume alcohol when our children are with them. However, we are hesitant because of the conflict this may cause, and are concerned that they will feel that we're attacking them.

How should we approach this -- or is it best not to express our concern? -- VACILLATING IN ARIZONA

DEAR VACILLATING: Vacillate no more and stop worrying about the "conflict" speaking up might cause. As a parent, it is your ultimate responsibility to ensure the safety of your children. Unless you establish firm ground rules and can be absolutely sure that your children are cared for in a sober, responsible environment, your children should not be unsupervised around their grandparents. Anything less is child endangerment.

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column since I was in high school. Many of the topics you discuss have been very helpful. Now I have a question and thought you could give me some advice.

When a lady tries on clothes in the dressing room, but does not wish to buy them, should she leave them in the dressing room or put them back on the rack? -- MELANIE FROM OKLAHOMA

DEAR MELANIE: The garments should be left in the dressing room, replaced neatly on the hangers on which they were displayed. Sadly, sometimes customers leave the clothing in a messy pile on the floor, which means the salesperson must then hang them up so they can be displayed again. Such thoughtlessness is tacky.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old female and what you would call a "serial monogamist." I don't understand how I got this way, but I just love being in a relationship.

My curse is that I constantly wish to be back with my exes. I idealize the past and "forget" the negative things that made me cheat on or leave them.

I know that if I leave my current boyfriend, I'll just want to get back with him in the future. It's a weird, vicious cycle that causes me a lot of guilt and regret. How do I get over the past and appreciate the present? -- MIXED UP IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR MIXED UP: You may think you "love" being in a relationship, but it may be time to take a long, hard look at how you really feel about intimacy. It appears that every time you get close to a man you feel compelled to do something to destroy the romance. This boyfriend may -- or may not -- be someone you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. But unless you understand what drives you to cheat on a partner or dump him, the pattern will continue to repeat itself. Counseling might give you insight, and I recommend it.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, "Elli," for two years. We haven't seen each other for almost six months, and now she has decided she wants time apart.

Our relationship was suffering during my last year of graduate school because I wasn't able to give Elli the time she deserved. Now I have graduated and have a job that gives me more time to dedicate to her.

She decided when I relocated that she would not move to the city with me. She says she wants to keep me in her life, but she "needs space" to find herself. We schedule chats on the phone and try to avoid discussing the status of our relationship, but we usually end up arguing and crying.

I suggested visiting her now that I can afford to, so we can talk through our differences in person, but Elli says it would be too much for her to bear. She says she loves me and that she's doing this for the good of both of us. I miss her terribly. I think about her constantly, but I don't want to smother her and have her resent me. Is there more going on here than meets the eye? -- OUT IN THE COLD IN D.C.

DEAR OUT IN THE COLD: Yes, there probably is. When someone you haven't seen in six months tells you that you need more time apart, it means that she isn't as committed to having a relationship as you are. She may love you, but the question is, is she still IN love with you? The next time you chat, ask her that.

Please realize that when someone says seeing you would be too much to bear, it sends a strong message -- regardless of whether or not it's the one you want to hear.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about a change I have seen in church. I accept the loud guitar music and informal settings, although I do miss the traditional hymns and formal altars.

What I cannot get used to is the forced "friendly" greeting and handshaking. I attend church to meditate and worship with my family. I do not go to shake hands with strangers and give them a greeting dictated by a pastor.

I like people. I am naturally caring, outgoing and friendly. However, I believe that a greeting or handshake should come from my own heart.

I have mentioned this to friends and family from all faiths, ages and walks of life. None of them like this scheduled "greeting" either. Many say they head for the restroom at that time, turn their backs or just shake hands with the people they came with, come to church late to avoid it, or don't come at all. Others feel the practice is unsanitary.

I suggest that church leaders take an anonymous poll and ask how many in their congregations agree with me. What do you think, Abby? -- MINISTER'S DAUGHTER, CAYUCOS, CALIF.

DEAR DAUGHTER: Thank you for asking my opinion. Here it is: Something is wrong in our fragmented society if, for one moment in a house of God, people cannot find it in their hearts to reach out and make sure that everyone feels included and welcome. And for those who fear it is unsanitary -- bring small bottles of hand sanitizer.

DEAR ABBY: What is a polite way to let someone know that reading a book in your company, when you have been invited to visit, is offensive? -- NOT A BOOKWORM

DEAR NOT: Picking up a book and reading in the face of a guest is a not very subtle hint that you have overstayed your welcome. And the appropriate response should be, "Well, I'll get going now," followed by a hasty exit.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Please let the world know that kind people still exist. I was on my way to two job interviews. Not surprisingly, I was nervous, so before I got off my train, I took my phone out to check the directions to the first one. A short walk later, I reached the subway, but when I went into my purse for my wallet to buy a MetroCard, lo and behold, my wallet and new glasses were missing.

I retraced my steps and ran to the courtesy counter to ask if anyone had turned in my wallet and glass case. The woman in the booth told me the train was still in the station and to hurry there immediately to check for my things. Long story short, no luck.

Heartbroken, I returned to the courtesy desk. Not only would I miss both my appointments, but I was stranded with no money. I burst into tears as I explained the situation to the woman in the booth. Abby, she reached into her purse and handed me $7! "It's all I have right now," she said, "use it to get to your interviews." I went to my interviews and aced them both. When I came back to thank her, she was gone, but she had described me to the woman on the next shift who handed me a courtesy ticket home.

Abby, that woman's kindness was overwhelming. And just when the day couldn't get any better, I received a call. A conductor had found my wallet and glasses and would meet me on the train the next day.

I just want to share that kindness can happen when we least expect it. When it happens, we should pay it forward. -- S. SMITH, ASBURY PARK, N.J.

DEAR S. SMITH: And I know you will. Good deeds are like wildflower seeds. Throw enough of them around and a desert becomes a garden.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a stay-at-home mother with a 4-year-old son. Every summer, my stepson -- who is now 8 -- comes to stay with us. In past years it has been all right, but since the boys have become more rambunctious, it has gotten harder.

Abby, I don't deal well with stress. Having two active boys running around the house has made me extremely nervous. There's a reason I chose to have only one biological child -- I knew I couldn't handle more. I thought a few short summers with a stepchild would be OK. I was wrong.

I have spoken to my husband about my problem; he doesn't seem to understand the amount of strain I am under. I am starting my own business later this year, and my husband doesn't see why I can't bring both boys to my appointments next summer. The younger child would play quietly alone, but not with his half-brother there. What should I do? -- PULLING MY HAIR OUT IN HUNTSVILLE

DEAR PULLING YOUR HAIR: You husband is mistaken. Two active boys should not accompany you to your business appointments, any more than they should accompany your husband to his. Start researching NOW what summer programs are offered in your area for kids so they will be entertained and supervised during the day. Family time can be in the evenings and on weekends, when you are in a better frame of mind to deal with the pandemonium.

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