DEAR ABBY: I am a woman living with a man, but "in love" with another man whom I formerly dated but broke up with because he's an alcoholic. "Spike" is a true biker -- exciting, funny and fun. Our lifestyles didn't mesh, so I made the decision we shouldn't be together. I miss him very much, and it keeps me from being totally committed in my head to the man I live with.

I believe I have commitment problems. I am a psychiatric nurse with 30 years' experience, so I've heard it all and know what I should do, but the issue remains. My boyfriend, "Cal," is a hard-working man with little education who earns very little and cannot help support me. We met when I weighed 300 pounds and had low self-esteem. Still, Cal loved me as I was.

I am a post-gastric bypass patient. I now realize that our lives are very different, and I'm having a hard time accepting that we are meant to be married. I hate the thought of not doing the "right thing" by Cal. I have been faithful. When will I grow up and be able to make the right decision, Abby? -- CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFLICTED: If you think that "doing the right thing" by someone is to marry him knowing that he isn't right for you, please let me point out that to do so would be a huge mistake. From what you have written, it is clear to me that you have involved yourself with two men who are not suitable for you -- and for the reasons you stated.

While you may be in the mental health profession, it is important that you find a mental health professional who can help you come to terms with the person you have gone through so much to become. I predict that after you do, you will begin making sounder decisions about many things, including whom you want to spend the rest of your life with.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a volunteer at a veterans hospital here in Maine for the past five years. It has been extremely rewarding. Sadly, I won't be able to continue. Because of the price of gas, I can no longer afford to drive the 100-mile round-trip.

These hospitals are losing many volunteers because of this. If I lived closer, I would continue with the work. I am asking people who live within a reasonable distance of any VA hospital to go sign up. Volunteers are needed as office workers, groundskeepers, people to help transport veterans from building to building in the hospital, and in numerous other positions. I know there are people sitting around bored, with nothing to do. Retired people can sign up, including men.

Abby, volunteers have to take only a short, one-day training class to familiarize themselves with the safety and rules of the hospital. The work is fulfilling, and you even get a free meal if you stay more than three or four hours. -- GLORIA P., FREEDOM, MAINE

DEAR GLORIA P.: As sorry as you are to leave, I'm sure the people at the VA are even sorrier to see you go. Our veterans have given so much to this country, we owe it to them to see they get the help they need. Readers, if you're interested, call your nearest VA hospital and ask for the volunteer office.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, "Carol," doesn't wash her hands after changing diapers. I find it repulsive, and I can't help but cringe. I have also noticed that her kids don't wash their hands after using the bathroom -- or any other time, for that matter -- unless instructed to do so and closely watched. Even then, they don't use soap.

Carol wonders why her family is always sick. If I say anything to her, I'm sure she'll become defensive or dismiss it as the cause of their illness. Is there a polite, yet firm, way to say something? -- INCREASINGLY GERMOPHOBIC, KENOSHA, WIS.

DEAR GERMOPHOBIC: The idea that Carol would change a diaper and then prepare meals for the family is, frankly, nauseating.

Sometimes there is no polite way to say something, so my advice is to be direct. There is a reason why hospitals constantly impress upon their staff the importance of washing their hands. Years ago, my mother described a poster she saw in the halls of a major hospital. It depicted a silhouette of two outstretched hands, fingers apart. The caption read, "The 10 most frequent causes of disease. Remember to wash your hands." Repeat this to your sister-in-law, and maybe she'll get the message.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the unofficial event planner in my office. I am the one who makes sure people's birthdays are celebrated and comes up with occasional fun events like potlucks. Sometimes I buy everyone pizza (on the company) to keep morale up. I am not management, but I think doing this is important.

Last week my birthday came and went. Abby, not one person remembered! A co-worker from another department got me a card, but no one in my area even mentioned it. I am so bummed.

I remember everyone's birthday and make a big deal out of it with cakes and candles. I'm hurt that they forgot mine. It makes me want to stop being the party planner and do away with birthday celebrations altogether. Is this childish? Or should I just get over it and keep on keeping on? -- CRUSHED IN OHIO

DEAR CRUSHED: You wouldn't be human if being overlooked didn't "smart." However, it's possible that because you have assumed the responsibility of arranging the birthday recognition, that everyone depends on you to let them know when one is coming up.

Because this can be awkward when the birthday being celebrated is your own, in the future, why not post a monthly calendar in your office with the various birthdays written in -- including yours? Also, because you were forgotten this year, tell someone besides me! Guilt can work miracles.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a checking account with his daughter-in-law. I have told him that I don't like it and feel that it is disrespectful, but he refuses to change it. We do not have a joint account. How should I take this? -- MISTREATED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISTREATED: This is hardly a vote of confidence in your fiscal responsibility. I'm sorry you didn't elaborate further on the financial arrangements in your marriage. I, too, wonder why he would want his daughter-in-law to have access to his money while keeping it out of your reach.

However, because you signed your letter "Mistreated," it appears you have more problems in your relationship than money, and perhaps if you work those out, the money issue will resolve itself.

DEAR ABBY: My father and I usually get along well, but whenever we get into an argument, he'll say something like, "Well, maybe I should just kill myself. Then you won't have to deal with me!" This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I'm 21 now.

Abby, I don't think my dad is really suicidal. I think he says these things to make me feel guilty. It's hurtful because suicide is a serious matter, and I always have to ask myself, "What if?"

Telling him to stop just results in more emotional blackmail. He has also refused to see a counselor. I could really use some advice. -- CAN'T WIN IN NEW YORK

DEAR CAN'T WIN: I agree with you that threats of suicide are a serious matter. And I have long said in this column that repeated threats of suicide should not be ignored. The next time your father starts talking about suicide, ask him if he is really serious. And, if he says he is, call 9-1-1. He may need 72 hours of observation.

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to the letter from "Needs to Know Now in Virginia" (Aug. 4)? I, too, spent time behind bars -- 14 months. My soon-to-be ex sent me a card on our 20th anniversary, a month after I was incarcerated, promising he'd be there for me when I got out. After months of denying there was anyone else, I finally found out the truth. She was not only accepted by his family, but also my kids.

When I fell into a deep depression and tried to commit suicide, my husband told everyone it was just an act. That was 11 months ago.

Today I believe everything happens for a reason, because during most of our marriage my husband had tried to control me and verbally abused me. He'd tell me I was a horrible mother and wife, that my own family hated me and I had no friends. After a while, I started to believe him and had little or no self-esteem. While incarcerated, I took classes and learned that verbal abuse is as bad, if not worse, than physical. The scars heal, but the words kept playing over and over like a tape in my head.

One thing I learned in the classes is you can't change someone else; you can only change yourself. To this day he continues to verbally abuse me. Last week he said he hopes I have cancer and die. But the words don't hurt anymore. The only hurt I suffer is that he has convinced our children that I was a bad mother, so they no longer speak to me. They have welcomed her into their lives.

I have learned to accept that my children want nothing to do with me, but pray that someday they will return to my life. I have met a caring man who knows all about my past and loves me for who I am. I am now grateful to the other woman. She saved me from a miserable marriage, and I know one day he'll do to her what he did to me.

So, my advice to "Needs to Know" is to run away as fast as she can because the man she's involved with is no man. A real man would stand by his wife for better and for worse. -- HAPPY NOW IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR HAPPY: As difficult as your life has been, I'm pleased to know that you are now in a better place emotionally. Clearly, the time you spent behind bars was not wasted. You did some extremely important work while you were inside, and I know you will put to good use the knowledge you gained while you were there. You go, girl. I wish you the best of luck.

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