DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with a hypochondriac? My brothers and I lost our dear mother to cancer when we were in our teens. Daddy has recently been diagnosed with a pernicious form of melanoma, which has a low survival rate.

Our father has been married to his second wife, "Doris," for 20 years. Doris is a textbook hypochondriac. She denies it, of course, and insists that her health is bad. So bad, in fact, that she didn't see the irony of telling my sister-in-law, who was undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma, that "no one understands what it's like to live with a chronic condition." Doris was referring to her allergies!

Now Daddy is battling cancer. He and Doris came to visit his three children and multiple grandchildren. Doris talked about her head cold the entire visit, and our time with Daddy was cut short because she needed to be driven back to the hotel. (No one else could detect her symptoms.)

I'm sure Doris loves my father, and after 20 years of marriage, they're certainly used to each other. But now that Daddy is facing death, I'm having trouble supporting Doris' emotional needs because her hypochondria is so irritating. Still, Dad wouldn't want us to abandon his second wife, despite her psychosomatic quirks. What do you suggest? -- NEEDS HELP UP NORTH

DEAR NEEDS HELP: You can try talking Doris out of her hypochondria until you're blue in the face, but it will only make her try harder to convince you that she's sick -- so stop trying. Instead, every time you see her, tell her she looks TERRIBLE; you've never seen her look worse. It's what she's "dying" to hear, and she'll love you for it!

DEAR ABBY: My women friends have all known each other more than 25 years. One of our group, "Dottie," (age 76) was a very astute businesswoman when she worked with us years ago before we all retired.

About three years ago, Dottie began behaving oddly. She couldn't remember what she ordered at lunch in a restaurant and lied to us about bizarre things. (She claimed her doctor made a house call in the middle of the night and gave her an IV.) She also became argumentative. Recently she has withdrawn from our group dates.

Now she no longer answers her phone and, on the rare occasion that one of us has gotten hold of her and offered to come over, she refused to answer the door.

Dottie is quite wealthy. She likes to drink at her neighborhood bar every night, and once when one of us called, we heard a man in the background saying, "That's enough. Hang up now," which she did.

We're concerned because Dottie has no family, and there's no one to contact. We're worried about her. What options do we have? Is there anyone we can contact in order to help her? -- WORRIED IN NEW YORK

DEAR WORRIED: Because Dottie appears to have become not only forgetful and delusional but also reclusive, you have reason to be worried. While her entertaining a male guest -- or having a boyfriend -- is a good sign, when that person takes over her life and isolates her, that's another cause for concern.

Because Dottie has no family, contact your nearest Area Agency on Aging (it's listed in the phone directory) or the Department of Social Services, and tell them what's going on. A social worker should be able to determine if your friend is in trouble, and get her the help she needs if she is.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Hounded in British Columbia" (May 22) asked you how to discourage religious solicitors. What many people may not realize is that once you accept a piece of literature or have a long conversation with the person, that person will note your name and address so they can "return visit" you. Then not only will you be visited by others in their religion, but the person who gave you the literature will start calling on you regularly, hoping to engage you in future religious conversations and Bible study.

The most effective way to discourage these visits is to politely state you're not interested as quickly as possible. Do not take any literature or engage in any discussion if you don't want them to return. You should also tell them to note on their "territory card" that you want no more calls at your house in the future. This can be done kindly and with a smile. -- DOOR KNOCKER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DOOR KNOCKER: Thank you for the inside information. Requesting that you be placed on the "No Call" list seems simple enough and can be done politely. The solicitors are supposed to honor the request of those who ask not to be called on anymore. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was faithful going door-to-door representing my church. And I agree that people have to be firm with someone who is truly hounding them. These solicitors believe they are doing the will of God and are taught that they may be "persecuted" for their faith. Some are chastised for not doing enough "soul searching," as they call it.

I can no longer stand going door-to-door, but people who do it deserve respect and a straightforward answer. -- FORMER RELIGIOUS SOLICITOR

DEAR FORMER RELIGIOUS SOLICITOR: Then it's clear to you how offended some people become when some solicitors won't take "no" for an answer. Many readers offered solutions to handling the intrusion -- including humor. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I share my method? As soon as I heard the words "Jehovah's Witness," I simply said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't see the accident," and closed my door. -- AMY IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR ABBY: I told the solicitors I would gladly listen to everything they had to say for 50 minutes, and I charge only $40. Cash, please. As first they were confused, but I explained that this is what my time is worth. They not only went away, they never returned. -- JUDY IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: We hung this sign on our front door, "We love our vacuum, we've found God, and we gave at the office!" This worked for us. -- LESLIE IN THE WEST

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine had a unique solution to dissuade religious visitors from dropping by. She told them she was a practicing witch. She said they couldn't leave fast enough. -- CINDY IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I got those unwelcome visitors every few weeks. We told them politely we weren't interested, but they kept returning. One day, the bell rang as I was getting out of the shower. I answered the door wearing only a towel, stepped back, spread my arms and did my best imitation of Bob Barker, "COME ONNN INNN!"

They jumped back and beat a hasty retreat. When my wife came home she said it was an awful thing to do ... but we were never bothered again. -- UNREPENTANT IN RIDGECREST, CALIF.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I despise wearing rings, which is a problem because I plan to become engaged. I'm OK with a plain wedding band, but baubles on appendages interfere with useful work and creativity, and they turn me off.

I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs. I don't want to insure it, deal with it if she loses it, or know I caused her to be injured if a thug tried to steal it. If I give it to her, she'll want to wear it. She doesn't need an ornament to prove she's special or loved.

What can I use in lieu of an engagement ring? I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful. The thought of a $10,000 ring on a hand that belongs to a productive and intelligent working woman suggests self-indulgent exhibitionism.

I know I'm fighting an uphill battle, but my feelings are valid to me. I feel the same when I see rings in the workplace and socially. Why not just duct-tape a $1,000 bill to your forehead if you want to call attention to yourself? Any ideas? -- PRACTICAL IN DENVER

DEAR PRACTICAL: Before you pop the question, be absolutely sure you and your lady have a meeting of the minds on this subject. Candidly, from the tone of your letter you come across as rigid, opinionated and controlling. While you are entitled to your biases, if you marry an "intelligent and productive working woman," she should be able to decide for herself what kind of jewelry is appropriate.

Also, I find it sad that you would rather keep an expensive heirloom ring hidden in a safety deposit box than have your lady enjoy it -- presuming, of course, that it's her taste and she WOULD enjoy wearing it. So if you're looking for ammunition in arguing this with your girlfriend, I'm sorry, but you have asked the wrong columnist.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorcee, dating a man I'll call "Jack," who has been separated from his wife for three years. We've known each other two years and have been intimate for 11 months now.

Jack's daughter is being married in Mexico in two months. I have met both his adult children; they seem happy he is finally in a relationship. The problem is, Jack hasn't invited me to the wedding.

Jack attended my son's wedding with me last summer. It was 1,500 miles away. I had no problem taking him there.

Jack says he isn't divorced because he doesn't want to "pay the cost" of one -- although he does have a separation agreement. He's very tight with money. I don't plan to remarry, so the divorce thing isn't really an issue with me. I suspect he wants to avoid the stress of revealing our relationship to his former wife, who left him after 25 years of marriage.

I feel Jack is still living in the past, and I'm considering ending the relationship because of it. He's a wonderful, caring person, but he has a secretive side that I have a hard time dealing with. Help me to see the light. -- TROUBLED IN TORONTO

DEAR TROUBLED: Allow me to share an insight. Secretive people usually have something to hide. You refer to Jack's wife as his "former" wife, but she's not. They are still married, and whether Jack's reason for maintaining the status quo is financial or emotional, he's not ready or willing to cut the strings.

It's time for a frank talk with your "wonderful, caring" lover because he has set a precedent for what you can expect in the future. And if this spells the end of the romance, I don't think you will have lost much.