DEAR ABBY: My friend stole my baby sitter! It began when "Mimi" asked for the name of our sitter. She didn't have one and said she would be confident using the girl we were using. She explained that it would be only to "occasionally" relieve her parents, who usually looked after the kids. Unlike Mimi, we have no family in town.

Now, every time we are invited to attend something, I call our sitter and she has already been booked by my "friend." Mimi even books the girl when she invites US out! I have mentioned on a couple of occasions that we couldn't go because she had already booked our sitter. Her response? "Maybe you should check the baby-sitter list at the gym and find someone else."

Our husbands work together and we share many of the same friends. I considered Mimi a good friend, but now I feel used. This has been going on for four months. I'm afraid I may explode the next time I see her. How should I handle this? Mimi acts as if there is no problem. -- FEELS LIKE A FOOL, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR FEELS LIKE A FOOL: Mimi is acting like there is no problem because there IS no problem -- for Mimi. You have assessed the situation correctly. She did use you. If I had to make a guess, Mimi is monopolizing your sitter because her parents have decided they have been good sports and watched the kids to the point that they would like a social life of their own.

I'm sorry, but the way to handle this is to find another sitter. And next time don't be so generous in sharing your resources with Mimi. (The same goes for your hairdresser and your house cleaner if you have one.)

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I have been together 10 years. We are both in our mid-40s. We have an 8-year-old daughter, but lost our 3-year-old son to cancer two years ago.

We decided to become foster parents in the hope of adopting a child. Two months ago, we took in a 3 1/2-year- old little boy. We were told he was "slightly delayed" in his development but have now discovered that he is functioning at the level of an 18-month-old. The neurologist told us the child may progress -- or not.

At this point in my life I do not have the strength or patience to deal with a child with such special needs. I have expressed my concerns to my partner, but she wants to give it more time. I feel the longer we have him, though, the harder it will be for all of us if it does not work out.

I already have three grown children and one grandchild. I want to devote my energy to our 8-year-old, who is still coping with the loss of her brother. Please give me an objective opinion. -- STRESSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR STRESSED: Because you are unable to give the little boy the love and support he needs, admit it now and return him to the state. He may be better off with a special family that has experience in raising children with developmental disabilities.

That you were not given accurate information about the boy is deplorable, but the longer you wait, the more complicated the situation will become -- not only for you, but also for your impressionable daughter, who may need professional help to understand why you did it, that it is no threat to her, and reassurance that children are not interchangeable.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I work for a major lending company and have cleaned out foreclosed homes. Too many times, I find animals who have died from exposure or literally starved to death.

My message to homeowners is: PLEASE make arrangements for your pets if you can't take them with you. Once a loan company notifies you of foreclosure, it can be many weeks before someone enters that home. Give your pet a fighting chance! -- DISCOURAGED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISCOURAGED: I'm pleased to pass along your important message. If living arrangements change, your family pet should not be abandoned or dumped to fend for itself. Contact a rescue group so the animal can be placed for adoption with another pet lover or a shelter.

DEAR ABBY: I have often read complaints about people who are chronically late, but I have the opposite problem with my friend, "Adele," who is annoyingly early.

If I am hosting a get-together, Adele invariably arrives 45 to 60 minutes before the start time. I am usually making last-minute preparations then and have sometimes not even gotten into the shower yet. If we are going to an event together, Adele will also arrive long before the appointed time, and I feel rushed and rude for ignoring her while I get ready. If I am driving, when I pick her up she's always waiting on her front step as though I am late.

Abby, I am a prompt person. I always try to get to an appointment five to 10 minutes early, or arrive at a party 10 to 15 minutes after the appointed time, which I have been told is good manners. Other than this one issue, Adele and I are close, and I enjoy her companionship very much. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. Am I rude for making her wait, or is she rude for imposing herself on me? -- ON TIME IN GERMANTOWN, WIS.

DEAR ON TIME: It is as rude to arrive very early as it is to show up very late. According to Emily Post's "Etiquette," a person should show up for an appointment (or social engagement) on time or shortly after the time it is scheduled.

Adele may be lonely and hungry for company or have a lot of time on her hands, but you should be good enough friends that you can explain that when she shows up as early as she does, it puts undue pressure on you. And the fact she chooses to wait on her front step to be picked up should not make you feel guilty. It is her preference, and not a reflection on you.

DEAR ABBY: After I ordered at a fast-food establishment, the cashier informed me of the amount of the bill. I had the correct change and placed the money on the counter. She looked at me and told me it was rude to place the money on the counter instead of into her hands. She asked me if I had a problem with handing her the money.

I was offended. Since I have never worked in the fast-food industry, does placing payment on the counter send a negative message? What are your thoughts, Abby? -- BURGER BOY IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR BURGER BOY: I think the cashier may have been having a bad day and was looking for a reason to dump on someone. Whether you placed the cash on the counter or into her hands, your bill was paid, and this is all that matters as long as you were polite to her.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a high school teacher who has been encountering some problems with my students.

I admit my personality is rather bland. My favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla; my favorite color is beige -- you get the picture. I am also aware that I speak in a monotone. My students won't let me hear the end of it.

I know I should enforce discipline, but I don't seem to have any control over my students. They blatantly ridicule my clothing and my voice. Sometimes I even feel bullied. I try to ignore it, but it doesn't seem to end. The entire class participates and finds it hilarious. What can I do to control my students? -- TRYING HARD IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TRYING HARD: The first thing to do is talk with the other educators in your school about your inability to enforce discipline. They may be able to offer some valuable suggestions. You should also explore whether the school district offers any classes in assertiveness training. If it doesn't, then please give serious consideration to changing careers, because you are not only shortchanging yourself but also the students you have allowed to turn you into a doormat.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old gay man. Five years ago, when I was 18, I became involved with "Jeff," an older married man. My mother worked second shift in a hospital, so I was almost always alone after school. Jeff would spend an hour or two with me three times a week while I was in high school, and spent more time in my apartment when I was in college. He also contributed $6,000 toward my college education.

Now that I have graduated and am working, Jeff has offered me $20,000 as a down payment on a house three doors down from his. He says it's a gift, not a loan. I know there would be no legal obligation to repay him.

I love Jeff, but in five years, when his youngest child is in college, if he doesn't leave his wife, I'll be ready to move on. Would I be ethically obligated to repay him if I left?

Jeff is a very successful businessman. He can well afford to send all five of his children to college, even after having given me this gift. He has told me repeatedly that the last five years with me have been the best years of his life. If I spend another five years with him, he will have had the best 10 years of his life for a $26,000 investment (or about $50 a week). Am I being selfish or smart? -- CLOSETED IN INDIANA

DEAR CLOSETED: Neither. In five years, unless you want to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who sold himself for $50 a week, do not accept the money and move in practically next door. I will offer the same advice to you that I would to a woman in your position. There is little dignity in being someone's secret lover. And the chances of your being hurt if you accept the money are greater than the payoff you're hoping for.

DEAR ABBY: My husband sometimes does not say goodbye when he ends a conversation on the phone. I feel it is extremely rude, but when I say so, he just jokes about it, which I also consider rude.

What can I do to make my husband realize that he needs to say "goodbye" when ending a phone conversation? -- MIFFED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MIFFED: OK, your husband isn't perfect. However, it's important to carefully pick your battles in a marriage. If this is your husband's worst flaw, you are lucky. Let it go. I'm sure his finer qualities overshadow this lapse in phone etiquette.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)