DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my loyal companion of 12 years, my dog Buddy. His death has been difficult for me, although with each passing day the hurt eases a little.

My 3-year-old niece, "Tamara," adored Buddy. Her first words during any conversation usually were, "Where's Buddy?" or, "How is Buddy?" Tamara lives in another state, so she was able to see him only during visits to my home. I asked my sister to explain that Buddy had died and gone to heaven, hoping Tamara would understand why Buddy is no longer here with me. Sadly, she didn't do as I asked. The last time we talked Tamara said, "Maybe he'll be back from heaven when we come see you."

They're coming next month, and when they do I know I'll have to deal with Buddy's loss all over again. What's the best way to handle this with the least amount of hurt for all concerned? When her fish died, they flushed it down the toilet, and Tamara still thinks it will come swimming back one day. -- "AUNT LALA" IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR AUNT LALA: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved Buddy. The way to handle this is, when your niece arrives and asks where Buddy is, tell her again that he died. And when she asks when he's coming back, tell her that when creatures die, they do not come back. It's the truth, and it may stop her from continually checking the toilet.

DEAR ABBY: Can you give me a lighthearted, polite response when someone says, "Shame on you!" for not doing something he thinks everyone should be doing -- like watching "Star Wars" movies and inconsequential things like that?

My husband has a colleague who says this constantly. We find it rude, but don't want to match his rudeness with our own. -- STUMPED IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.

DEAR STUMPED: You husband's colleague is not being rude. He's being asinine -- and for you and your husband to buy into it is a waste of your time and emotion.

The next time he says, "Shame on you" for something so trivial, just laugh and agree with him. "Yes, ha-ha. It's shameful." Then change the subject. No one has the right to dictate how you should spend your time, so take it with a grain of salt.

DEAR ABBY: I read an article in our local paper a while ago that said good employees who leave a company usually do so because of their boss.

With that in mind, I would like to bring closure to my recent resignation with the following open letter to my former boss:

"Thanks for asking me to stay on, but I respectfully decline. I will be self-employed from now on. However, if in the future I ever feel the need to be publicly humiliated, blind-sided, ostracized and called a spy, be distrusted and disciplined by superiors for no good reason, fight for wages that are rightfully mine, stabbed in the back by fellow employees, used as a pawn in executive rivalries, or (especially) chewed out when you're having a bad day, I'll get back to you!" -- MOVING ON IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR MOVING ON: I'm printing your letter. I hope that seeing it in print will be cathartic. I wish you good luck in your new career, where someday you may be a boss yourself. And if you are, I'm sure you will create a healthier office environment than the one you left.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Scott," and I are writers, although we both have day jobs. During the two years we've been together, we have always supported each other's writing careers.

Things changed after my first novel was published. While initially congratulatory, Scott's behavior was different as the publication date neared. He declined to help my friend throw me a party. When I spotted my book on the shelf of a bookstore for the first time, he chided me to keep my voice down. My novel has now been out for months, but he still hasn't read it. (I gave him one of my free copies.)

When I told Scott how much this hurt me, he agreed to read it and said he was proud of me. But after reading only one chapter, the book was left on the nightstand and he hasn't touched it since.

Scott is a talented writer. He has been published in literary magazines, but hasn't yet published a book. I sympathize with his jealousy and have tried to keep talk of my novel to a minimum. But I'm troubled by Scott's refusal to participate in this exciting period of my life. If he had written a 600-page tome on the digestive habits of the three-toed sloth, and I had to drink a pot of coffee to stay awake through the first chapter, I would still be first in line to buy it. Abby, what gives? -- FRUSTRATED NOVELIST

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I think you have pegged "what gives" accurately. Your boyfriend is suffering the effects of having been bitten by the green-eyed monster. Every reminder of your success gives him a pang because he wasn't published first -- and he may be punishing you for your success by leaving the book unread by the bed. (Anything else going on there?)

I'm sad to say that not every man is man enough to appreciate his woman's success. Some are emasculated by it. And frankly, it will be interesting to see if your relationship survives this.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend who is divorced with one son. What is your opinion of a father who insists his 11-year-old son -- and since he was even younger -- respond to his father with, "Yes, sir"? If the son responds with, "Yes, Dad," "Yes," "Yeah, Dad," etc., the father responds with "WHAT did you say?" until the son responds with "Yes, sir."

The father has been deemed a narcissist by three court-appointed psychiatrists. He is a control freak, and I feel this is mental abuse to the son. What are your thoughts? -- APPALLED IN GLENDALE, OHIO

DEAR APPALLED: Please don't be so quick to judge. The "narcissist" could also come from a military background or be from the South, where "Yes, sir," and "Yes, ma'am," are considered common good manners.

DEAR ABBY: I am a program director for young professionals. There are 75 students in my group. Many of them get married in our program and invite me to their weddings.

Should I always go and give the same type of gift, or give a gift based on how well I know the individual?

-- SEEKING "I DO" DIPLOMACY

DEAR SEEKING: An invitation is not an obligation. Buying wedding gifts for many couples every year could take a serious bite out of someone's income. That's why you should attend only the weddings of students to whom you feel a closeness, and base your gift on how much you can afford.

For those couples whose weddings you choose not to attend, send a lovely card with a note of congratulations along with your regrets.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I went through a bitter divorce a few years ago after my wife, "Cassie," had an affair. During the divorce I confided a lot in Cassie's sister, "Lisa." We had always been close friends, but one thing led to another.

I started seeing a lot of Lisa, and some people got wind of it. Lisa has two kids and I have a son who is older. I was very much in love with Lisa and she felt the same, but everyone said it was wrong so we parted ways. It was more my idea than hers. She didn't care what anyone thought.

Lisa and I are now involved with other people, but I talked to her a month ago and now I can't get her out of my mind. I told my son about it. He thinks I should be with her. He wants us to be happy. I have dated several other women, but none of them makes me feel the way she does. What do you think we should do? -- UNDECIDED IN DELAWARE

DEAR UNDECIDED: Who, exactly, are these "people" whom you have allowed to dictate the way you live your life? It's time to stop being an advice collector.

Because you and Lisa are involved with others, the first thing you'll have to do is explain to them that you have "unfinished business." Better they hear it now than after they have invested more time in either of you. Also, understand that nothing comes without a price, and the "price" for a life together could be a permanent estrangement between Lisa and her sister.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a "blended family." He has a 13-year-old son named "Ryan." I have a 5-year-old son, "James." And we have a daughter together, "Samantha," who is 2.

James and Ryan got along great before Sami was born. But now Ryan treats James like a stepchild. He constantly yells at James and says things like, "Just wait until Sami is big enough to beat you up!"

What I see going on between James and Sami is typical childhood rivalry, and I take it with a grain of salt. I have urged my boyfriend many times to talk to Ryan and tell him James is only 5 and doesn't fully understand when he takes toys from Sami, and for Ryan to stay out of it. I have also tried to tell that to Ryan.

I don't want my son to feel like the stepchild he is being treated like. Some advice would be greatly appreciated. -- GOT THE BLUES IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GOT THE BLUES: There is a lot going on under your roof, and you should take none of it "with a grain of salt." Ryan may be treating your son like a stepchild because that is how he perceives him -- after all, Ryan is related by blood to Samantha and not to James. He should not be allowed to get away with it.

Also, when Sami was born, James was the baby in the family. He could be resentful about losing his place and be trying to punish Sami by taking her toys. At age 5, your son knows the difference between right and wrong, and you should not ignore that fact. Tell James that unless he wants both his big brother and his little sister to be mad at him, he will have to learn to look out for Sami and treat her like a loving brother.

Also, be sure to carve out some extra time devoted just to James, so he will know he hasn't been "lost in the middle." Praise him when he's good to Samantha and let him know there's a penalty when he isn't. Do this, and I predict the problem will subside.

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