DEAR ABBY: I was divorced twice before I met my present husband, "Lou." We have been married seven years. When we're with his extended family or new acquaintances, Lou makes a point in his loud, animated way of letting everyone know that he is my third husband. It's embarrassing. And because I am at a loss for words, I usually stay silent.

I have asked Lou in private why he offers that information when no one asks. I think he's trying to make me look bad. I told him maybe he should have a "3" tattooed on his forehead if he's that proud.

If someone pays me a compliment in his presence, Lou will say, "She really has you fooled!" But, Abby, Lou is the one who has everyone fooled. If his family knew the things he has said and done over the last seven years, they would be shocked.

Early on, his first wife stopped going anywhere with him. I have reached the point where I have begun trying to avoid going out with him. How should I respond -- if at all -- when he tries to make me look bad? Perhaps I should just say, "Yes, you are No. 3. But when you talk about me like that, it makes me wish you weren't." -- OBJECT OF RIDICULE

DEAR OBJECT: If you haven't already done it, tell your husband privately that you don't appreciate being embarrassed in front of family and friends. Tell him that you want it stopped immediately. Your husband appears to be insecure and trying to make himself look better at your expense. If he persists, the next time it happens, smile sweetly and say, "And I'd like you all to meet my soon-to-be third EX-husband." (Come to think about it, that might not be a bad idea.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 38 years young and still single. I enjoy my friends, my freedom and rock concerts. My issue is that at the last two concerts I went to, I heard men -- or boys -- say, "Watch out. Here come the cougars!" I think this is insulting. Or is it?

Can you define a "cougar"? I don't know whether I should be insulted or take it as a compliment. -- STILL ROCKIN' IN IRVINE

DEAR STILL ROCKIN': A "cougar" is a woman who likes to date -- and aggressively pursue -- much younger men. Whether it's an insult, an accurate description or a compliment depends upon how you wish to be perceived. But from my perspective, the comments you heard were stereotypical and "catty," to say the least.

DEAR ABBY: I am a young man who is having some trouble working for "the man" -- you know, the corporate culture. I have always worked for large companies, but have found that my current employer is not open to accepting new ideas or suggestions.

I feel I'm hitting a brick wall when I look at a problem and come up with a solution, but no one will take me seriously because of my youth. Any advice on how to deal with this? -- EAGER IN CUMBERLAND, MD.

DEAR EAGER: When someone is hired by a company with a strong corporate culture, that person is usually expected to conform and not shake up the status quo. I can think of few things more depressing than going every day to a job where you do not feel your input is valued. Feeling as you do, you might be wise to explore opportunities at another company -- or even a field -- that is more youth-oriented.

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DEAR ABBY: At the age of 40, I had emergency cardiac surgery followed by an infection, more surgery and six months of difficult recovery. With the help of medical professionals and my husband's tireless care, I finally healed. It's been nearly five years, but I'm back to my "normal" self and can do just about anything I could before. I'm grateful for my life and feel blessed to have recovered from an illness that many have not survived.

My problem: I am very well-endowed. I used to enjoy dressing to highlight my "assets" in a ladylike way. But my once-attractive cleavage is now obscured by deep, severe scarring. On the one hand, my scar is my badge of survival. I don't try to hide it when dressing for work or for leisure. On the other hand, I don't try to flaunt it either.

A season of summer gatherings, parties and celebrations is here, and I'd like to dress for them. Should I stick to high-collared tops (which make me feel frumpy) or wear dresses and blouses that reveal the scars? My close friends are used to them, but I don't want to shock strangers at the hors d'oeuvres table.

This may seem like vanity when so many struggle for health, but it has been difficult overcoming depression after my illness and a long time since I've felt good about dressing up a little. I'd like your opinion. -- WANTS TO FEEL PRETTY AGAIN

DEAR WANTS TO FEEL PRETTY: We are the sum total of our life experiences. Among yours has been major surgery. If you wouldn't mind answering questions about your scars, then wear the low-cut tops you're inclined to. I have seen other women do it. However, if answering questions would make you uncomfortable, consider wearing outfits that highlight your assets in a different way -- or even highlighting different assets.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Regina," who is a wonderful person. The problem is, she has become obsessed with her toddler nephew, "Michael," to the point that she thinks of nothing else. She lives and breathes for him, and our friendship has suffered tremendously because of it.

I love little Michael, too, but I don't want to hear about him 24/7! I have tried changing the subject when Regina starts droning on about every detail of Michael's day, but she always draws the subject back to him. She thinks her sister and brother-in-law can't do anything right for the boy.

Michael's parents are young and work full-time, so Michael is with Regina 50 percent of the time and has been since the day he was born. Regina has no kids of her own and has told me she doesn't intend to -- because she has Michael.

I have tried talking to her about this. Finally, I exploded and told her she has been driving me crazy with talk of nothing but him. She answered that Michael is the only thing she knows how to do right and can talk about intelligently. I think my friend is obsessed. What more can I do? -- ENOUGH ALREADY IN TEXARKANA

DEAR ENOUGH ALREADY: Your friend is less "obsessed" with her nephew than preoccupied. Fifty percent of her time is spent providing child care for him. What else do you expect her to talk about?

I think it's time you cut her some slack. Suggest you do things together that will give her some adult stimulation -- plays, movies, art shows, etc. It could not only save your sanity, it could also improve your relationship and give her something else she can talk about intelligently.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "The In-Laws in New Jersey" (April 26), who think their daughter-in-law is rude for speaking a foreign language to her parents and children in front of them. I'm disappointed you didn't point out the opportunity Carmella has to enrich the lives of her husband's parents.

The United States is one of the only first-world nations that does not require its children to learn more than one language, which has left many people feeling that anyone not speaking English is being "rude." Bilingual people can tell you that the pattern of speaking with family in the native language is deeply ingrained and is not easily broken. It isn't intended to exclude others. The in-laws are not out of line to ask Carmella to translate what she's saying, but they could use it as a chance to be a part of their grandchildren's language development.

I come from a bilingual family. My husband is monolingual. We're aware that not speaking English can make him feel isolated, so we do our best to translate to keep him in the loop. This approach has enabled him to start learning the language -- and he's coming along nicely. Multilingualism is an asset to society -- not a flaw. -- BILINGUAL AND PROUD, ALEXANDRIA, VA.

DEAR BILINGUAL: Thank you for the input. The "In-laws" had let Carmella know the private conversations made them uncomfortable, and I felt a little more sensitivity to their feelings was in order. However, the responses that have poured in offer varied perspectives. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: I doubt Carmella was speaking the foreign language to be rude. She may not even realize she's doing it. When you have spoken one language to your parents all your life, switching to another is awkward and unnatural. I speak Taiwanese to my parents, but English to all my friends. Your brain automatically changes languages without you even thinking about it. Carmella's in-laws should know she probably isn't doing it to exclude them, but is only doing something that is second nature. -- WAN-JEN IN UTAH

DEAR ABBY: I am a white, English-speaking, middle-aged woman living in a multiethnic, multi-language community. I can tell you firsthand that learning a few words in another language goes a long way toward community and family harmony. May I suggest the New Jersey in-laws show some polite interest and ask Carmella for help with basic greetings and courtesy terms such as "please," "thank you" and "How are you?" Perhaps they could also learn "I love you" in her language to share with their grandchildren. -- JANET IN IDAHO

DEAR ABBY: I am French, married to an Englishman who does not speak French. For the last 10 years, I have spoken only French to my children. When others are present, I always let them know I am not being impolite or trying to keep them out of the conversation. My kids are perfectly bilingual now, and in order to achieve such a goal you must be consistent. To me, preserving the richness of two cultures is more important than offending someone. But children should know they can translate for other people in the room when appropriate. -- SIMONE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Having the ability to speak some English doesn't mean someone is always comfortable doing it at length or can express what they truly mean. Some colloquialisms, jokes and terms of endearment do not translate. If the in-laws accept that it's not all about them, they will soon realize that "family" can cross language barriers. -- HAPPY THE WAY THINGS ARE

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