DEAR ABBY: My husband and I disagree on something. Do you think parents MUST do the same things for each of their children, even when there is a great discrepancy in the children's behavior and attitude toward their parents?

We have helped out one of our sons who was having financial difficulties. Now the other son, "Sean," expects to receive the same, although he is defiant and does not treat us with the same respect as his sibling. My husband says because we did it for one child, we must do it for the other. I disagree, and think it's rewarding bad behavior. -- FEUDING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FEUDING: Sean does not have the right to "demand" anything from you. However, to give one of your sons money while withholding it from the other will create a rift between them that may never heal, and I do not recommend it.

Tempting as it may be to use your checkbook to command compliance, please realize that it won't gain you the respect you feel is lacking. A better solution would be to insist on family counseling as a condition of giving the money. It's an investment that could yield great dividends.

DEAR ABBY: I was at the store yesterday with my Gramma when she ran into a friend she hadn't seen in some time. (Her friend is about 87.) As they were talking, Gramma asked her a question that shocked me. She asked, "Do you still have your husband?"

After we left, I told Gramma I thought it was rude to ask someone that question. Her response was, "It's perfectly fine to ask that of someone her age." Is she right? -- KNOW I'M RIGHT IN LAS VEGAS, N.M.

DEAR KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT: The question was not a breach of etiquette. By the time women reach their eighth decade, I'm sad to say, most of them have lost their husbands. Your grandmother's question was legitimate, although she might have been more diplomatic and asked "how" her friend's husband was, rather than if she still had him.

DEAR ABBY: The "pennies from heaven" letters in your column have been a blessing to me. "Patrick" and I were together eight years when he died unexpectedly after turning 31 last February. We considered ourselves married, and never thought we'd need a marriage license to formalize our love.

When Patrick died, his family took his body. They emptied our apartment the next day and refuse to tell me where he is buried.

Three times in the last month I have found pennies dated 1977 -- the year Patrick was born. One particularly shiny one appeared on the passenger seat of my car on my first day back at work. I'm sure it is his way of telling me not to worry, that he is close by.

Thank you for printing those stories. They have been a source of great comfort to me. -- MOURNING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm gratified the "pennies" letters have brought you some solace, as they have many other readers, and I hope your experience will enlighten any couple who thinks a marriage license is "only a piece of paper."

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Our parents make my sister and me go with them to visit our grandparents one Saturday a month. They live two hours away. We don't like having to waste our Saturday this way. My sister and I are 15 and 16, and we're old enough to stay home alone. When we are there, all we do is sit there bored while our parents and grandparents talk.

Our grandparents show no interest in us, even though they tell our parents how much they "love" seeing us. Our parents say our grandparents are not in good health and may not be around much longer, so one Saturday a month isn't too much to ask.

The other day Mom overheard us in our room talking about how much we hate having to go over there, and she was furious. She said we were selfish and care about no one but ourselves, and she had better not hear that kind of talk again. Please tell us what you think. -- BORED TO DEATH IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BORED TO DEATH: Sometimes when people grow older, they lose the knack of communicating with younger people. While visiting your grandparents may seem like a pain in the neck now, when you're older you may be glad that you did.

One way to bridge the generation gap would be for you and your sister to show some interest in THEM. Prepare a list of questions to ask them before you go to visit. You might be pleasantly surprised to find their answers a fascinating window on the past, and give you an insight about how your parents were raised.

Please consider what I have said. It will make visiting your grandparents less of an ordeal -- and you might even learn something of value.

DEAR ABBY: My long-standing boyfriend, "Peter," and I plan to be married next year. Peter's parents divorced long ago because his father was abusive. Peter told me about a specific incident in which his father pushed him down the basement stairs.

Because of a recent spiritual awakening, Peter decided to forgive his dad, but the man rejected a face-to-face reconciliation with his son. Of course, this has hurt Peter deeply, and it hurts me to see him go through it.

I had always thought that married couples should share the same last name. But I feel uncomfortable taking Peter's name, knowing that it was given to him by a man who abused him and no longer wants him as a son.

A logical solution would be for us to take his maternal grandfather's last name because he and Peter are extremely close. However, I could never ask Peter to give up his last name. Should I alone take his grandfather's name? I realize this problem may not seem important, but it carries a lot of weight with me. -- NO-NAME JANE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR JANE: While you could never "ask" Peter to give up his last name, you should certainly talk to him about your feelings. If he has no objection, you could use his maternal grandfather's name. You could also, as many women do today, continue to use your maiden name.

Or, you two lovebirds could choose a name you both like and adopt it together. After all, to quote William Shakespeare, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old single mom of a 17-month-old son. I love my baby dearly, but lately I feel I'm missing out on life. I feel like I need to go out on my own and find myself.

Before I got pregnant I had plans to go to college, work abroad and experience life. My mom says if I do it, I would be running away, that I can't take a break from being a mom, even for a little while, and come back and be a mom again. I know being a parent means all or nothing, but I'm still just a kid myself.

If I did leave, I'd go somewhere and use that time effectively. I have thought about going to school in Colorado where I could experience something different and give myself a shot at a better career. Would it be running away and leaving my baby if I did that? -- YOUNG AND RESTLESS IN IDAHO

DEAR YOUNG AND RESTLESS: Your mother is right. You are responsible for the welfare and emotional development of your baby. While this does not mean you can't have some social life, please recognize that your son needs consistency. He should not be left for an extended period of time. Take the college courses, but take them locally. Foreign travel to "find yourself" will have to wait because leaving your son now could cause lifelong repercussions.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived on a golf course for the last five years, but golf -- or any sport, for that matter -- has never interested me. My parents and the rest of my family can't get enough of golf. I have given it many tries, including being forced into going to two golf camps and playing the game. My parents know I don't like golf -- I have told them -- but they keep on insisting I "give it a try." (I have for five years. I just don't enjoy it.) And to top it off they want me to go golfing once a week.

I try to please them. I go to church, get straight A's, respect them and do my chores. But they constantly nag me about the rest of the family enjoying it, and it makes me feel guilty for being a black sheep. Are my parents asking too much, or am I being selfish? -- TEE'D OFF IN MIDDLETOWN, DEL.

DEAR TEE'D OFF: You are intelligent and obviously a high achiever. But nowhere in your letter did you mention that you are in any way physically active, which may be what concerns your parents. I cannot stress enough how important it is for young people to get at least an hour a day of cardiovascular exercise. Please consider what I'm saying. If you are adamant about disliking golf, perhaps you can make a deal with your family to engage in some other physical activity that interests you.

DEAR ABBY: I just turned 15, and everyone in my family gave me great presents. I'd like to write them thank-you notes instead of just telling them that I am grateful. But, I'm not sure if writing thank-you notes to my parents and siblings is too formal. Are these notes written to close family? -- EMILY IN DALLAS

DEAR EMILY: They absolutely are. Not only should you write those thank-you notes, you may be surprised to find later on that family members treasured and kept every single one you wrote.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)