DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old divorced father of one daughter. I'm fit, look good for my age and earn a good income as a consultant. I'm not rich, but I own a condo and have a sizable retirement fund.

I have a strong desire to remarry, but I have some "baggage." My daughter, "Danielle," is bipolar. She has done nothing since graduating from high school last year but get into trouble. Danielle has been arrested for drugs and stealing, and hangs out with a rough crowd. My ex-wife does not have the inner strength to throw her out, which would probably be the best thing for her. This is out of my control, but still, women I date lose interest in me when they learn about my daughter.

I hate to lie, but I think I may have to start when we trade information about our children. Theirs are often very accomplished, so the contrast is terrible. Should I make up some half-truths until the time is right to tell the whole story? I'll follow your recommendation. -- EMBARRASSED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your daughter suffers from a mental illness. She belongs in treatment, not on the streets. That your ex-wife hasn't thrown her out isn't a reflection of weakness, but a measure of her strength of character.

You and your ex could both benefit from joining a support group -- and I have one for you. It's the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Since it was founded in 1986, it has grown to more than 1,000 support groups nationwide, and offers advice and online information for persons with depressive and manic-depressive illness and their families. To find a chapter near you, call toll-free (800) 826-3632 or visit its Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.dbsalliance.org" ��www.dbsalliance.org�.

Under no circumstances should you concoct any "half-truths" in an attempt to cover up your situation. A woman who would write you off because you have a sick child doesn't sound like much of a catch. And any woman with a head on her shoulders would resent having been misled.

I don't know where you're finding the women you've been seeing, but I recommend you fish in other dating pools. In a support group you might meet someone with whom you have much in common.

DEAR ABBY: I live in Chicago and commute to and from work each day on the El train, which is typically crowded. There are never enough seats to go around. What surprises me is the lack of thoughtfulness that men show when it comes to seating. It's extremely rare for a man to offer a seat to a lady. In fact, I have watched men race past women to grab seats. Just the other day, there was a very pregnant woman on the train and not a single person offered her a seat.

I'm not trying to portray females as the needy, weaker sex, but some chivalry would be nice. In this age of equal rights, am I outdated in my thinking? -- NEEDS A SEAT IN CHICAGO

DEAR NEEDS A SEAT: I don't think so, but there are those who would argue with us. With more people using public transportation because of increased fuel prices, seats are at a premium. One would hope that the commuters would practice good manners, but if a man didn't offer a pregnant woman his seat during the commute, I would offer her mine rather than force her to stand on swollen feet and ankles.

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DEAR ABBY: My children and I were living with a maniac who threatened to kill me if I took the kids and ran. We reached out to his family, hoping they would intervene and tell him they knew what he was doing to us. We wanted someone to stand up to him.

His sister said: "I don't want to hear this. I love my brother. I don't want to think about him doing these things, so don't tell me these stories!"

His father said, "What did you do to provoke him?"

His brother and his wife were sympathetic, but said there was nothing they could do.

The last violent episode ended with the children and me locking ourselves in the bathroom while my husband screamed and tried to break the door down for half an hour. When he finally stopped, I called his dad who said, "Do you know what time it is? You woke me up!" He hung up the phone so fast I didn't get to tell him what his son had done to our autistic son.

After getting help from outside sources, we finally felt safe enough to leave. We're now divorced, and my daughter wants nothing to do with her father's side of the family. Her granddad can't figure out why she won't talk to him, and her aunt has no clue why my daughter refuses to visit.

Abby, please urge family members to step up to the plate. Be supportive and ask what you can do to help. Lives could be saved in the process, in more ways than one. -- HEARTBREAK IN THE HEARTLAND

DEAR HEARTBREAK: I'm doing as you requested, but if your husband didn't suffer from severe mental problems, he probably learned his abusive ways from his own father, while his sister grew up in denial about her family's dysfunction, and his brother was trained to feel "helpless."

I'm pleased you were finally able to take control of your lives and get out of there. Now please, teach your daughter a lesson in assertiveness. Tell her she has nothing to gain by remaining silent, and she should tell her grandfather why she no longer talks to him, and her aunt why she no longer wants her in her life. Doing so will make her stronger.

DEAR ABBY: We recently moved into our dream house. We bought it from an elderly man who had lived there alone after his wife died seven years ago.

While exploring the property, we found a small gravestone with the name "Sparkle" engraved on it. We assume this was a former pet of the owner, but he never mentioned it to us.

Some of us want to dig it up and see what is really buried there. Others think we should just remove the stone. Or should we let it stay where it is? -- UNSETTLED IN ALTOONA

DEAR UNSETTLED: Take a vote. If the majority thinks the old man might have "forgotten" the family jewels, then see what's down there. But be prepared to find nothing more than the moldering remains of a beloved family pet.

Personally, I vote for leaving things as they are -- unless you're planning on re-landscaping the property, in which case you could remove the stone and let Sparkle continue to R.I.P.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On a recent trip to Europe I learned firsthand the meaning of the term "ugly American," which stems partly from the loud, obnoxious voices we sometimes use in public.

When Europeans are out in public they converse in low, modulated tones. They carry cell phones as we do, but rarely did I see Europeans use them, and never loudly. On trains, they walk out of the train car and answer their phones between the cars, so they won't disturb other passengers. And only once did I see someone answer a cell phone in a restaurant.

For some reason, Americans seem to need to be constantly on their cell phones. It's almost as if they have a compulsion to prove to those around them they are important or have friends. Well, they would gain far more friends if they turned off their phones and smiled or spoke quietly to the human seated next to them. -- TRAVELER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR TRAVELER: Here we go again on the subject of cell phone manners. People who plan to travel outside the country need to keep in mind that once we cross the border we become unofficial representatives of the U.S.A., and first impressions can have a lasting impact. That's why it's wise to ask a travel agent or read up on your destination before leaving to learn what the local customs are in the place you are visiting -- and this applies not only to the use of cell phones, but also to how you dress and whether or not it's appropriate to take photos.

DEAR ABBY: I am a student intern in a small laboratory. I like my job and get along with everyone who works here. However, there's one woman I can almost never understand. She has an accent, does not articulate her words well and speaks in a low tone of voice.

When I say, "What?" or "Excuse me?" she will repeat what she said, but I still cannot hear her. I have resorted to just laughing when she laughs and trying to avoid her. Luckily, I don't have to work directly with her very often, but I feel bad because I'm not as friendly to her as I am to everyone else. How should I handle this? -- HUH? IN ORLANDO

DEAR HUH? Tell her the truth, that you need her to speak more clearly because you have difficulty understanding her. But do it privately so you won't embarrass her.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating an amazing girl, "Nina," for two months, and have fallen madly in love with her. Although contemplating marriage at this point might seem presumptuous, I'm convinced that this is where we're headed.

My concern is Nina's mother, "Joan." Although Joan is fully capable of working, she has chosen to "guilt" Nina into supporting her. She makes little or no financial contribution and works as little as possible. Nina is convinced that her mother is helpless, although Joan has never been diagnosed with a physical or psychological chronic illness.

I'm afraid that if I marry Nina, she will insist that we take care of her mother for the rest of her life. This would take a heavy toll on both the marriage and our finances. How can I make Nina recognize that my concern is valid without having her think I'm heartless? -- THREE'S A CROWD IN NEW YORK

DEAR THREE'S A CROWD: A step in the right direction would be to have a long engagement, and insist that before you tie the knot you have premarital counseling to ensure the two of you are in agreement about what the marriage will involve.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)