DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband, "Steve," was scheduled for bypass surgery. He told everyone -- all our friends and relatives -- that he planned to stop smoking afterward. It has now been nine months, and as recently as last week Steve and I were discussing his amazing willpower with friends.

Several times over the past few weeks, I had remarked to my husband that his clothes smelled of smoke. He said, "I don't know why they would." I have also told Steve I was concerned because he has developed a deep, productive cough and urged him to see his doctor about it. Last night he became angry with me and told me I am always "borrowing trouble."

This morning I moved his bathrobe and found a pack of cigarettes in the pocket. I'm a retired nurse. I know how dangerous the game he's playing is. It's as if he doesn't care.

Not only do I not want to lose my husband, our finances are very stressed right now. Steve says this is none of my business. How can I make him see what a dangerous game he's playing? Or do I just shut up and start planning his funeral? -- HURT AND DISGUSTED, WOODBURY, TENN.

DEAR HURT AND DISGUSTED: Face it, your husband is addicted to nicotine. You can order printed materials from the Heart Association, the American Lung Association and the American Cancer Society about the dangers of smoking, but unless he is willing to give up tobacco, nothing will get through to him.

By all means start planning his funeral. By starting now you will have a better chance of managing the costs. In addition, talk to your insurance agent about increasing his life insurance, if that's possible. It might also be a good idea to explore part-time employment opportunities, should the need arise.

Believe me, you have my sympathy. If one life-threatening health scare wasn't enough to convince your husband to quit smoking, then nothing will.

DEAR ABBY: Our mother was killed in a car accident two years ago. A woman I'll call "Tiffany" was driving at a high rate of speed and ran a stop sign. To this day, our family has yet to hear one word of regret from her, and we are finding it hard not to hate her.

My mother died a horrible and painful death. Tiffany destroyed many lives with her "mistake," yet she walked away from the wreck physically, mentally and financially untouched. We understand the meaning of the word "accident." We know she didn't mean to kill our mother, but an apology would have been nice. Even after two years of counseling we are still bitter and need to hear Tiffany say she is sorry. Have you any advice for us? -- STILL GRIEVING IN AMARILLO

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that befell your family. Under the circumstances, your feelings are understandable, and it may take still more counseling for you to work through what happened and achieve acceptance. Please do not think that the driver of that car is insensitive to your pain and grief. It is likely that she has not contacted you because she was strongly advised against it by legal counsel.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have overbearing in-laws who refuse to let their children, all of whom are in their 40s, live their own lives. We are constantly forced to spend time with them by means of manipulation. We have all been under their thumbs for so long that when the opportunity presented itself for our family to start a new life in a different state, we jumped at the chance.

We're now in the process of moving and becoming our own family. We are thrilled with the thought of seeing everyone on our terms, not having to worry about splitting holidays, feeling obligated on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, etc. -- just finally breaking away and gaining our independence.

Here's the kicker: His parents have just told us they are going to purchase a "vacation" home in the state where we are moving! My husband doesn't have the heart to tell them it's not a good idea, so now I'm having second thoughts about going.

I am beside myself. Will it never end? I understand parents loving their children, but isn't there a time when you just let them grow up and have their own lives? I desperately need advice! -- READY TO EXPLODE IN THE ROCKIES

DEAR READY: Yes, it appears you do. Now that you realize that putting geographic distance between you and your in-laws isn't going to solve your problem, you and their son are going to have to learn how to tactfully draw the line and just say no.

I don't know how long you have been married, but the two of you should have set boundaries and declared some independence years ago. Running away from this problem was never the answer. I'm sure your in-laws love you, but developing your own family traditions is neither disrespectful of their feelings nor a personal rejection -- it's healthy. And that's what I recommend you do.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Roger," a wonderful man, for about a year. Our relationship has been stressful at times, but overall we're happy together and in love. My problem is his dog, "Lucky." Lucky is a one-man dog who barely tolerates my presence.

Anytime I hug or kiss Roger in front of Lucky, the dog starts barking and growling. Sometimes Roger puts him outside or locks the door so we can be alone together, but he says doing so makes him feel guilty because Lucky "worships him" and wants to be wherever he is.

Lucky doesn't like me around, and I'm uncomfortable around him. Roger knows it and still insists that the dog be wherever he is, even when it means we can't be "romantic" because of all the barking. He sees nothing wrong with Lucky's behavior. I think it's aberrant. Any ideas? -- DOG'S A DAMPER, BOWIE, MD.

DEAR DOG'S A DAMPER: Yes. I think ROGER'S behavior is aberrant. If he loves you, he should be willing to consult an animal behavior specialist for help in re-educating his dog and curbing his dog's aggression. As it stands, Lucky is a danger to you and anyone else who might enter his territory. Unless Roger is willing to act, you and he not only will have no privacy, you have no future.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from visiting a close friend in the next town. She was exhausted from caring for her husband, who has terminal cancer -- but even more so from the many visits from loving friends and relatives around the country.

I experienced the same thing a few years ago, so I'm hoping you will help me to inform people of some basic rules for visiting families going through this profoundly trying experience.

-- Don't go for a "vacation," but rather to lend support -- and only if there is no objection.

-- Go healthy. Remember, the patient has no immunity after chemotherapy.

-- Provide your own transportation. Stay in a motel unless the home is large and the hostess has asked you to stay.

-- Keep visits short and positive. Long conversations are exhausting.

-- Provide food, preferably ready-cooked for simplicity, and do the cleanup.

-- Leave the house for periods of time (even a day or two) so the family can resume their medical routine.

-- Change the bed if you stay in the home. Remember, there is no maid service.

-- And last, require nothing of the family. There is nothing left for them to give.

Thank you, Abby, for letting me speak for so many. -- GOT IT OFF MY CHEST

DEAR GOT IT: Well said. I particularly like your recommendations to stay someplace other than the home, to keep visits short so as not to deplete the patient, and not to expect to be entertained in any way. In life-or-death situations, the normal rules of hospitality do not apply, so ask not what your hosts can do for you, but what you can do for them -- and abide by what they tell you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old high school girl. I'm friendly, cheerful, religious and an honors student. I am also addicted to pornography.

Over the past few years I have been an on-again, off-again addict. I'll look, feel good, feel bad, swear never to do it again, stay clean for a few months and then start again.

A few months ago I told my mother what I was doing, and she agreed to monitor the situation. But I know how to delete my online history, so she doesn't know I'm doing it again.

I'm scared. I'm a virgin and would like to stay that way. But I'm starting to feel apathetic toward my grades, I'm thinking more about sex, I have lost respect for most of the opposite sex, and I'm one step from acting out.

If I tell Mom, I know she'll take away my computer. The best friends I have are online. I'll be isolated if she takes it away. I'm also not sure I want to quit looking. It makes me feel good and keeps me from being stressed, but my religion and the changes in my behavior tell me it's wrong.

I mentioned it to my school counselor once. She said I'm just "expressing my sexuality in my own way." Is she right? Or do I need help? What should I do? -- ADDICTED AND ASHAMED IN IOWA

DEAR ADDICTED: Forgive me for disagreeing with your counselor, but the problem with pornography is the distorted vision it gives viewers of what sex is really about. Addiction, by definition, is being consumed by and unable to stop a behavior. If you think you are alone in this problem, let me assure you that you are not.

Please tell your mother what's going on. You should talk to a licensed professional who has been trained in the treatment of addiction. This does not mean you must give up your computer -- simply moving it to a central location might help. But conquering your problem will take professional help, and I urge you not to wait to ask for it or you will find yourself in even more serious trouble.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)