DEAR ABBY: My mother needs help, but will not listen to my brother or me. She has always respected your advice, and she needs it desperately now.

Mama is a retired nurse. A little over a year ago, she moved from Florida to Virginia to live with her boyfriend, "Rudy." Rudy is extremely wealthy. He owns three homes and commercial real estate. However, he suffers from mental illness. Mama has told us that Rudy is bipolar. He also has no respect for women. He orders her around, and she must answer "Yes, sir" or "No, sir." Even though this man has millions, he and Mama are living in one room above a barn.

Rudy's wife died several years ago. He has two sons, neither of whom speak to him. Mama says she moved from her lovely home to live with him because she's "looking at the big picture." Because Rudy is wealthy, she wants us to benefit from what he has, even if she doesn't.

My brother and I can't bear her living like this. Their room has limited plumbing and -- to put it politely -- it smells. There is also evidence of rodents. Please, Abby, how can we make Mama see what she's doing to herself and to us? We love her. We don't want her to sacrifice her last years for our future financial comfort. -- HURTING FOR MOM

DEAR HURTING: Please forgive me if this seems harsh. Your mother is living in squalor with a rich man who treats her like an employee, and she thinks it will somehow benefit YOU? She is seriously misguided. Because your mother and Rudy are both adults, and presumably not a danger to themselves or to others, it could take a crowbar to separate them.

However, if you want your mother out of there, talk to his sons about what's going on and your feelings about it. I'll bet they'll not only start speaking to their father, she'll be out of there in a jiffy.

DEAR ABBY: I have an etiquette question. Is it impolite to ask a member of the royal family for an autograph? -- FAN IN DE BARY, FLA.

DEAR FAN: My experts tell me that to approach a royal in such a fashion would be highly inappropriate, and no one does it. However, in recent years, some upper lips may have become less stiffened. Therefore, it might be all right to ask a young prince --- but don't ask an old queen.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and have a stepsister, "Emily," who is also 16. We have become good friends, which is lucky because we share a room every other weekend when I am at my father's.

Something really bothers me. I refer to Emily as my sister. However, she calls me her STEPsister. I have told her it hurts my feelings, and asked if we couldn't just consider each other as sisters. She says she thinks of me as a close friend, but isn't comfortable calling me "sister" because technically we're not.

I have always wanted a sister. How can I get Emily to consider me hers? -- RELATED IN FORT WAYNE, IND.

DEAR RELATED: As close as you feel to Emily, and as much as you want a sister, you can't force another person into it. I have known unrelated girlfriends to refer to each other as "sisters." However, for whatever reason, it is important to Emily to maintain some distance and make the distinction that you're not blood-related.

Frankly, it's her loss. Don't push her; continue to love her, and perhaps one day she'll realize how fortunate she is to have someone as sweet as you in her life.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I live in a medium-sized community where a lot of people know one another. I often hear them discuss such private matters as the state of someone's marriage, their finances, etc. Even if they don't know if what they're saying is true, they still repeat it.

Whenever someone starts talking to me about a person who isn't there, I remind her that she wouldn't appreciate having her business discussed behind her back. One neighbor even asked me about my own marriage in front of a group of people. When I politely asked why she would ask about such an intimate matter, she became angry and told me I was being rude to her. I may have embarrassed her, but not as much as she did me.

I think gossiping is a low form of entertainment at someone else's expense. What do you think? -- MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS IN NEVADA

DEAR MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS: Gossip is, indeed, a low form of entertainment -- and if we're honest, it's something most of us have indulged in at one time or another. Everybody wants to know other people's business. One need only look at readers with their noses buried in the scandal rags at the supermarket checkout counter for verification.

Why we have this compulsion is anybody's guess. Perhaps it's because gossip requires little intellectual effort, distracts us from concentrating on important tasks in our lives that might be painful or difficult to confront, or makes us feel superior.

P.S. You did not embarrass your neighbor by rebuffing her inappropriate question. She embarrassed herself by asking.

DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior, currently going through the process of applying to colleges. As I've visited various schools, I have realized that college isn't cheap. Many of them cost more than $45,000 a year.

My question is, how do I go about paying back my parents for college? They can afford to pay for my education and still be financially solid, yet I know I will have to repay them. How long after I graduate should it be before I begin? -- MATTHEW IN BURR RIDGE, ILL.

DEAR MATTHEW: Discuss this with your parents. The answer may depend on how quickly they will need the money, and what kind of payment schedule you can comfortably handle once you have graduated and become self-supporting.

Please consider that you may be eligible for scholarships and grants that could lessen your -- and their -- financial obligation. Your school guidance counselor can provide you with this information. Your public library also has information regarding scholarships, so you should consult the librarian.

DEAR ABBY: An elderly relative, whom I love dearly, is dying. She has always been demure and ladylike, and I am concerned that when the time comes for the embalming and viewing, the deceased is never buried in underwear or shoes. Is this true? -- DONNA IN ENID, OKLA.

DEAR DONNA: Put your fears to rest. A person has the right to "dictate" what she (or he) wants to be buried in. If the deceased has left no instruction, the funeral director will take direction from the family.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The wedding season is fast approaching, and every year, starry-eyed brides plan to release white doves to "freedom" as part of their wedding celebration.

Abby, when white doves, born and raised in captivity with no clue how to live on their own, are released to "freedom," they face certain death! Have you ever seen white doves flying about, nesting in the wild? No. That's because they cannot survive on their own.

Please spread the word that this awful practice needs to stop. A little education would go a long way. -- SOMEONE WHO CARES, ORANGEVALE, CALIF.

DEAR SOMEONE: Thank you for the heads-up. I discussed your comments with a docent at a local zoo, who explained that not only do doves raised in captivity know nothing about predators, being released into an unknown area disorients the poor creatures. In order to survive, they would have to join with another flock -- and spreading their wings brings no guarantee they will be accepted.

DEAR ABBY: I feel fortunate to be writing this. "Blessed" would be a better word. You see, my family could have been planning my husband's and my funeral today.

We were driving on a busy street when another driver raced out of the post office driveway as we were passing. It happened so fast, we couldn't see who it was -- just an object hurtling toward us. Thank God, my husband had sharp enough reflexes to swerve over the double line. Miraculously, no oncoming traffic was approaching. If it had been, we'd have been hit head-on. Had my husband not gotten out of the way, my side of the car would have been hit broadside.

Why in the name of heaven don't people realize that an automobile is a potential weapon? I hope my letter is worth space in your column. Life is fragile. This happened yesterday, and I am ... STILL SHAKEN IN FORT WORTH

DEAR STILL SHAKEN: Your letter is well worth space in my column. The driver may have been high, angry, sleep-deprived or distracted. Not only could you have been killed, but the person driving that car could have also been severely injured. While cars and bumpers used to be made of sturdy metal, today they are made of plastic. When we start our engines, no one should ever forget that fact.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old grandson was recently treated to an all-expense-paid vacation to visit his aunt and uncle in Washington, D.C. Because his family is struggling financially, I gave my grandson $50 to treat his hosts to dinner. He seemed excited about it and readily agreed that he would do it.

I found out inadvertently that he did not use the money as intended, and, in fact, I don't know what he did with it. Should I confront him or let it go, since I know he didn't have much spending money? -- GRANDMA ON A LIMITED INCOME

DEAR GRANDMA: To ask your grandson what he did with the money does not need to be "confrontational." Simply tell him that you have learned that he didn't take his aunt and uncle out to dinner as planned. True, he may have spent the money on himself. However, he may have offered and the offer was declined. Give him a chance to explain.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)