DEAR ABBY: My domestic partner and I have been together 12 years. I love him dearly. He is sweet, funny, witty, kind, and most important, willing to live with me. I can't imagine life without him.

The problem is, he has no common sense. He doesn't "get" that dishes we cook and eat with should not be used for feeding the cats. If the toilet runs over (we have old plumbing), my best bath towels should not be used to clean up the mess when there's a mop in the closet. If we're out of cat food, he should go to the supermarket and buy some, not open the can of goose liver pate we brought back from Paris. That sort of thing.

The immediate cause of my annoyance is if you have two credit cards, one with a 7 percent interest rate, the other with a 21 percent interest rate, you don't put a $2,000 purchase on the card with the higher interest rate.

My partner is 42, but sometimes I feel like I'm the parent of a 4-year-old. If I say anything, he accuses me of being a "control freak." I don't consider myself one, but I just don't want my favorite punch bowl used as a bucket. Any ideas before I shoot the both of us? -- READY TO SCREAM, GROVELAND, FLA.

DEAR READY TO SCREAM: Until they start cloning couples, there will always be one more responsible person in a relationship. Because your partnership has lasted as long as it has, I'm sure he has his strengths, too, that are different from yours.

Because you already know the state of your plumbing, stash a supply of rags or old, faded towels in your linen closet and show them to him, so that when another emergency occurs, he will be able to locate them quickly. Transfer your fine china and crystal to a cabinet that's less convenient to reach -- perhaps even one with a lock -- so it won't be so available when the livestock gets hungry.

And warn your partner in advance that certain items -- like pate -- are only for special occasions. Also, consider transferring your balance from the high-interest credit card, or keeping it in a safety deposit box.

If all that fails, remind yourself what it was like back on the dating circuit. If that doesn't make you count his virtues, nothing will.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Bob," who has a strange sense of humor. A lot of people don't find him funny, and this time I'm afraid he's gone too far.

His most recent prank was to fake his own death. Bob even went so far as to submit a fake obituary. The problem is we have mutual friends in other states who are convinced he is dead and are pretty shaken up about it.

I want to tell everyone the truth, but I know Bob will see it as a betrayal. I don't want to hurt our relationship, but I hate to see our friends in pain. What should I do? -- DILEMMA IN DALLAS

DEAR DILEMMA: Your "friend" has a cruel and twisted sense of humor, and if you are wise, you'll distance yourself from him. Not only has he hurt people who care about him, but if he has done this to avoid paying taxes or other financial obligations, it is fraud.

Since you asked, you should inform anyone who inquires that Bob is still very much among them -- and advise them to give him a call when you know he'll be picking up.

P.S. If someone did that to me, I'd pretend he WAS dead.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old twin daughters were very close, considered each other their "best friend" and got along beautifully sharing a room. Disagreements and arguments were rare and nearly always minor.

However, during the last few months, out of the blue, they have begun fighting and arguing frequently. They scream and yell at each other over the pettiest of things. Instead of being constant companions, they no longer want to do anything together.

Now they spend time separately with friends. They are even asking us to get a bigger house so they can have separate rooms. They refuse to share the bathroom in the morning -- which had never been a problem before -- claiming to need privacy from each other. This makes things very difficult during the morning rush because we also have a 15-year-old son who needs to get ready for school.

I am at my wit's end trying to deal with this. I have no idea what caused this sudden rift, and the girls don't seem to understand it either. Please help. -- LOUISIANA MOM OF 3

DEAR LOUISIANA MOM: What's causing the rift is that your daughters are maturing. Their hormones are changing, and they are trying to become individuals. This is a healthy thing, and you should not worry.

As to the scheduling problem in the bathroom -- if the girls won't cooperate and share the facilities, then they will have to alternate. And your job as mother and referee is to see that they do.

DEAR ABBY: I recently visited my favorite brother and his family for a few days. My sister-in-law invited me to go out for coffee with her -- just the two of us -- then proceeded to tell me in great detail about an affair she had about a year ago. I was floored.

My brother doesn't know about this, and now this information is haunting me. If my brother knew my husband had cheated and didn't tell me, I'd be furious. On the other hand, telling my brother will hurt him. What should I do? -- BURDENED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BURDENED: Ask yourself this question -- if you wanted to keep an infidelity from your spouse, would you confide "in great detail" in his sibling? If the answer is no, then consider that your sister-in-law is either completely lacking in judgment or subconsciously aching to get caught. Then follow your conscience.

DEAR ABBY: I would appreciate your opinion on a matter that has me concerned. My son and his wife have gone on a trip to Africa. I am watching the grandchildren part of the time while their parents are gone.

The night before my son left, I said, "To be prudent and prepared in case of emergency, in the event you have an accident, who will be the permanent guardians for these children?" His reply was, "That is none of your business. It is a personal matter."

Was I out of bounds to ask that question? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN REDMOND, WASH.

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Absolutely not. Your question was a timely and intelligent one. A more pertinent question would now be why your son became defensive that you asked. Could it be that he feels guilty because the answer is you will not be named as guardian?

If that's the case, then some written provision should be made specifying that if anything happens to him and your daughter-in-law, you will have visitation with your grandchildren -- because unless it is on paper, there is no guarantee you will.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "In True Love in Washington" (Feb. 4), about the 16-year-old who became pregnant by her pastor. What she described is not a "love" relationship; it is an abusive one. A pastor who has a sexual relationship with a member of his congregation is misusing his power, and this constitutes clergy sexual misconduct.

You were correct when you stated that "if there is any 'shaming,'" it should be directed at the pastor. Unfortunately, that is not typically the case. The shaming of victims that follows disclosure is nearly unbearable. Church officials typically collude in denial or cover up the problem. Rarely is there any care for the victim.

For this reason, a sex-abuse therapist and a spiritual director familiar with this type of abuse are helpful in the healing process. In addition, it is vital for the victim and her family to find the support of someone who has lived through clergy sexual misconduct because it is unlikely they will find support in their current circle of friends. -- C.W., MUSKEGON, MICH.

DEAR C.W.: Thank you for sharing some valuable suggestions. The responses to "True Love" offered additional steps for her to consider. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were right to point out that "Reverend Ron" is the one in the wrong. However, if the issue is not turned over to the police, the church's investigation may put a different slant on the results. Only law enforcement officers know the questions to ask in order to get the facts as they should be obtained. -- ADA IN OLEAN, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: Both my husband and I are pastors and have had to deal with a similar situation in our region. Unfortunately, the abuse and misuse of pastoral authority is too prevalent. It is widespread, although not indicative of most clergy, who seek to serve faithfully.

I don't know who is responsible for holding Reverend Ron accountable, but hopefully there are church leaders who will take this situation seriously and not ignore it. Far too many people in the pews feel that it is not their place to hold someone accountable for his/her mistakes. The congregation will need someone trained in dealing with this kind of situation to help them heal as well. -- REVEREND JOANNA

DEAR ABBY: As a therapist, I have helped many people deal with this kind of emotional wreckage. The affair, which the pastor convinced this girl was OK because they were "truly in love," actually falls under the category "sexual abuse by one in a position of trust," and it is a crime. In some states, it may be considered statutory rape.

After being told, the mother should contact the police and the district attorney. Reverend Ron is a sexual predator who has taken advantage of a vulnerable young girl. He needs to be stopped and removed from any and all contact with young teens. -- THERAPIST IN LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for six years and have recently fallen in love with another man. But I still love my husband. Is it possible for a person to be in love with two people at the same time? -- KIM FROM THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR KIM: It is possible to love more than one person because you love them for different reasons. However, when someone is IN love, he or she is usually completely focused on that one love object. So the answer to your question is no.

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