DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Gary" for four years. His late wife was his first and only relationship. When he moved in with me, he brought so many boxes they filled my entire basement. I want it cleared out because I don't feel I should have to store his past.

Gary's adult children have had the opportunity to take boxes home, but never do. When I asked him to clean things up, he responded by saying he doesn't feel at home here and will start looking for a place of his own.

For the most part, our relationship is a good one. I feel if he's ready to move on, he shouldn't have brought his past here with him -- including the urn containing his late wife's ashes. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- FEELING CROWDED, CARLIN, NEV.

DEAR FEELING CROWDED: While all of us bring the "baggage" of past relationships with us as we move through life, your friend has done it in a literal sense. If he was concerned about your feelings, he could rent a storage unit -- but he hasn't. Telling you that if you insist he clear out the basement, he will clear you out of his life is emotional blackmail.

Perhaps it's time to ask yourself if this relationship is a healthy one. Could the boxes and the urn be symptoms of a larger problem? If so, then Gary should haul his ashes, boxes and self elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 20-year-old nephew I'll call "Adam," who sometimes lacks good judgment. We have told him that when he visits he should ask before drinking our milk. The price of milk has gone sky-high, and we have a 7-year-old who drinks a lot of it. We have had to tighten our purse strings and try to make a gallon last a week. When Adam comes over, he will drink two or three big glasses of it. Now, instead of asking, he sneaks it when we're not looking.

His mother, "Faye," is also my best friend. While she was visiting, Adam waited until we went into the family room, then consumed more than half of the gallon of milk we had just purchased. When we discovered what had happened, we called Adam on his cell phone and told him we weren't happy about it. Faye overheard the conversation.

When we saw her the next day, she didn't seem too upset about it. But now that she's back home in Florida, she hasn't returned any of my calls or e-mails. Could scolding Adam about the milk have anything to do with Faye's silence? -- SOURED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR SOURED: If you explained to Adam that you and your husband are on a strict budget, and that you didn't want him to drink the milk, then he was wrong to help himself to it. It is not unheard of for a parent to become offended when someone scolds his or her child. That may be the reason you're getting the silent treatment. But no one can answer that question for sure other than Faye.

DEAR ABBY: I have a very strict father. I respect what he has to say, but I don't like the fact that he won't let me have a boyfriend. He thinks all dudez are alike -- well, most dudez at least. I need that li'l bit of advice, pleeeezzz. Love always, BABI IN MILFORD, CONN.

DEAR BABI: Dadz can be that way sometimez. Perhaps yours is trying to prevent you from making an "S" of yourself.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was offended by your response to "True Love Texan" (Jan. 18) when he asked about loving a woman with multiple personality disorder. MPD is also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. Individuals with DID have survived severe childhood abuse. The way they coped was to split into different personalities. DID can be treated through intense psychotherapy, which attempts to integrate the personalities into one.

A loving relationship IS possible with people who have DID. My mother is an example. She has DID due to extreme childhood ritual and sexual abuse. She's the most amazing and resilient woman I have ever known, and I am proud to be her daughter. My father has been married to her for 35 years and has supported her unconditionally. It can work!

Please educate your readers and provide some useful information about the courageous people who live with DID. -- PROUD OF MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PROUD OF MOM: I received a slew of mail about this. My response to "True Love Texan" was not meant to minimize the seriousness of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This man must understand what is involved before he makes a lifelong commitment.

The following responses offer personal insights meant to support him as well as provide information about this sensitive topic. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Telling that Texan to be certain that he loves every one of the multiple personalities may not be possible. However, it is possible to have a successful marriage with a person who has DID.

My husband and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this summer, and he is a multiple. We knew about some of his personalities when we began dating, but others have surfaced as the years went on. It has not been easy, and I have had to deal with different folks coming out at awkward times. But as my husband said, "Your life will never be boring if you marry me," and he was right. -- WIFE TO ONE OF MANY IN VANCOUVER, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: I know from firsthand experiences that all the love, devotion and loyalty may never be enough when dealing with a person with DID. Instead of being a partner, spouse or equal, I became my wife's caregiver, peacemaker and sometimes a target.

Nothing was ever easy; I could not depend on anything going smoothly or without incident. More than once, my life and safety were seriously compromised. Finally, I became lost and overwhelmed by her illness.

After 13 years of turmoil and uncertainty, I had to leave. A serious illness gave me no choice but to take care of myself for a change.

I hope "True Love Texan" will heed the warnings of his friends and understand the gravity of this illness before he makes a lifetime commitment. -- WISER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: When a child is denied "normal" defenses and abused by those who are responsible for providing safety, some children do the most sane thing possible. They retreat into their own minds to a place of safety. We choose to call this by a new term, Multiple Personality Gift (MPG).

As long as the woman is in counseling, and "True Love Texan" is on board with the counseling, there is no reason they cannot have a good and productive life together. He needs to understand the abuse issues and be patient and gentle. Many people with MPG are highly intelligent and creative, with much to offer to those who are willing to open their minds and hearts. -- ADOPTIVE MOM IN NEW YORK

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DEAR ABBY: I just made the biggest career mistake of my life. I was working for a wonderful company. Then a former co-worker told me about a management position opening at the agency she went to work for. I thought it would be my golden opportunity for advancement. I submitted my resume and, after two interviews, got the job.

The problem: This is the unfriendliest company I have ever seen. Management belittles staff. Praise is seldom given. There is no kindness, no "good mornings" uttered -- the people here are just plain MEAN.

I am a friendly, outgoing person, and I'm having a hard time adapting. I miss my old job. I realize now that I made a hasty decision, and I don't know what to do. My old position has been filled, so there's no way I can go back. What should I do? -- RELUCTANT MANAGER IN VERMONT

DEAR RELUCTANT MANAGER: Your predicament proves the truth of the saying, "The grass isn't always greener." For the sake of your mental health, start looking for another job. There is no way you are going to change the corporate culture in the place you're now working.

Don't discount your old workplace; stay in touch. Something may open up there, and your former colleagues may be glad to welcome you back.

DEAR ABBY: Help! I am engaged to a man with three kids -- a 7-year-old girl and 9-year-old twin boys -- and soon to become a stepmom. He has them about half the time.

The family all believe their biological mother is failing miserably, and I feel as though they view me as a suitable substitute. I like his children, but I have three of my own. One is grown; two are teenagers. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and do not want to start over again raising someone else's kids.

Can I marry this man and not have to raise his kids? Or is that what a stepmother does? I would be happy just being their friend. -- UNCERTAIN STEPMOM IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Although you would be happy just being their friend, at their ages and with the biological mother "failing miserably," face it: There will be plenty of mothering going on. Of course you will have a hand in raising those children -- it goes with the territory. If that's not what you are willing to sign on for, you should not marry him. Sorry.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Lee," and I have been married two years and have kept all of our finances separate, including having different auto insurance policies.

While I was away on a business trip, Lee moved my car and parked it in our circular driveway. Subsequently, a tree limb broke and dented my car's trunk.

I was extremely distressed that damage was done to my car when I wasn't even in the vicinity. I feel that, as a minimum, Lee should pay half of my car's deductible. He refuses because he says it was an act of nature.

Obviously neither of us was directly to blame, but I truly believe he should pay half the deductible because he moved my car in the first place. What do you think? -- OUT ON A LIMB IN GEORGIA

DEAR OUT ON A LIMB: I see the logic. However, it depends on why your husband moved your car. If Lee moved it because it was street-cleaning or trash collection day, then he should not be penalized. However, if he moved it on a whim, he should fork over his half of the deductible.

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