DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister, "Mia," is a lesbian who came out to her family 10 years ago. Her parents disowned her. We were just out of high school, and for years we had no idea why. We were not allowed to invite Mia to our wedding or to have any contact with her.

Several years later, she began trying to repair their relationship, despite the fact that she's forbidden to talk about her life or bring her partner anywhere near them. This was when we learned what had happened, and we were appalled at how Mia had been treated.

When she comes to town for holidays, she stays with us. Because of this, my in-laws treat us like "sinners" just as they do her, and we're caught in the middle.

We have tried explaining to these family members that they are entitled to their position and we're entitled to ours; that Mia is family and deserves respect and kindness. They call us liberal freaks with no moral values and say we should stand up to her and not let her "manipulate" us. My husband and I are tired of the drama we get at holiday time. Not only do they usually pick a fight with Mia while she's here, but they also won't speak to us for two weeks afterward. The last two times she came, Mia has either had to cut her trip short or has been reduced to tears by the harsh words from family members.

If you wonder why Mia even bothers coming home, it's because she wants to maintain contact with us and she loves her nieces and nephews. How do we handle these people, or do we just give up? -- ODD ONES OUT IN OHIO

DEAR ODD ONES OUT: Stand your ground. Do not allow yourselves to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into rejecting your husband's sister. You are neither morally challenged nor "liberal freaks" for trying to help bridge the gap with the family.

Frankly, your sister-in-law must be extremely resilient to have tolerated the abuse she's getting from these "good" people. They may not approve of her sexual orientation, but she did not choose it -- it's who she is. It seems this self-righteous family's "moral values" do not include tolerance.

DEAR ABBY: I share a room with my stepsisters during visitation at my dad's. Their room doesn't have a lock, and my stepmom, "Muriel," doesn't believe in knocking before coming into their room. My stepsisters are used to it and don't care. However, Muriel is not my mom, and it's embarrassing to be barged in on without warning, especially when I'm undressed.

Last weekend she walked in after I had just taken a shower and was completely naked. Muriel couldn't understand why I'd have a problem with it, since we're both females and I was already naked in front of my stepsisters.

I have asked her nicely to please knock when I'm there, but she says, "A mother doesn't have to knock when coming into her own daughters' (or stepdaughter's) room." Muriel said I have a "silly hang-up" and need to get over it. "I wouldn't be doing you any favors," she said, "if I gave in."

Is my request unreasonable? How should I handle this? -- FEELS LIKE CINDERELLA

DEAR FEELS LIKE CINDERELLA: It doesn't appear that you and Muriel are particularly close, or even on the same wavelength. She's being heavy-handed in the way she is asserting herself, and you should talk to your father and mother about it.

Your stepmother is the adult, and she has allowed this to be turned into a power struggle. She's not your mother, and as you are a guest in their home, some common courtesy should be extended.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Keith," is 20. He lives at home with his dad, brother and me. Keith dropped out of high school when he was a senior. His driver's license was suspended due to non-payment of tickets.

A couple of years ago, he stole from us and finally admitted he had a drug problem. We sent Keith to a 30-day residential drug treatment facility. When he got out, he stayed in a halfway house for three months, then lived with another recovering addict in an apartment. Keith had a job then, but lost it and moved back home.

He still hangs out with his same old friends. He sleeps all day, gets up late in the afternoon or early in the evening, and goes out again. I know my son drinks, and I realize he's probably using again, too, but I don't know where he gets the money to buy them. He has worked in restaurants off and on over the past two years, but is currently unemployed.

I have tried everything I know to help him. We dragged him to counselors, but Keith wouldn't follow their suggestions. We beg him to get his GED, but he lies to us that he's going to school and working on it. Keith asks me to wake him so I can take him to apply for jobs, but when I do, he refuses to get up.

His dad and I have to hide our wallets because he has stolen our checks and credit cards before. His purchases are usually at gas stations and fast food restaurants. Keith tells us he's not using anymore, but his actions make it hard to believe.

I can't live my life standing idly by, watching my son ruin his life. I love him. If I don't stand by him and try to help him, he has no one. His dad acts like he hates him. He either ignores him or gets on his case whenever he talks to him. Have you any advice for me? -- DEEPLY HURT IN MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR DEEPLY HURT: Your son definitely has problems, and you need to find out what exactly they are. If he's using, you can find out by making him take a home drug test. ("Take it, or you're out.")

If he tests negative, then it's possible that your son is suffering from depression or some other mental illness. And if that's the case, you should make his getting psychiatric help a condition of his continuing to live at home.

The only thing you cannot do is let yourself be trapped into becoming your son's enabler. You must set a deadline for him to find a job or move out on his own, and insist that he abide by it.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's niece is being married in May. The wedding is 1,500 miles from here. Our daughter, "Sophie," a college sophomore, will be a bridesmaid in the wedding.

For the last year and a half Sophie has been dating "Trey," whom she met at school, and it appears to be a solid relationship. I like him.

Trey received an invitation to the wedding, too, which was unnecessary in my opinion. Now my wife insists it's our responsibility to buy Trey an airplane ticket so he can attend. He will stay in a hotel room with my sons if he goes.

I don't mind paying for the room and related expenses, but I see no reason why I should fork out hundreds of dollars for an airline ticket. I already have to pay for my family of five for this trip. My wife says I'm stingy. Am I? -- GETTING FLAK IN ATLANTA

DEAR GETTING FLAK: It was nice of your sister-in-law to invite your daughter's boyfriend to the wedding. If you can afford to buy him a ticket, doing so would be a nice gesture. However, you are under no obligation to foot the bill for his transportation.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm an 18-year-old girl. Romantic relationships have never meant much to me. It's fun to have someone to go to art galleries and coffee shops with, and to make out with in my car, but I don't have a need to tie myself down. I have had a lot of nice "flings" during high school, but it was high school, and it's time to move on.

My best friend of 11 years, "Mick," happens to be a boy. We decided in middle school that our relationship would be strictly platonic. Last night, Mick kissed me and told me he is in love with me. I don't feel the same. I'm not physically attracted to him. I tried to be nice and told Mick it would ruin our friendship, but he disagrees.

With any other guy, rejection is easy. But this is my best friend. Mick has low self-esteem when it comes to girls. If I say I'm not attracted to him, it'll hurt his feelings.

I feel stuck and angry. I told Mick the truth about how I felt a long time ago. Do I have to be mean to get my point across? Here's how I honestly feel: I love hanging out with him, but I find him repulsive-looking, and if he kisses me again he's getting slapped. I've never been mad at him before. Can you please help me? -- "ASHLEY" IN CLEVELAND

DEAR "ASHLEY": According to the letters I have received from men, most would prefer to be told the truth rather than be left hoping and dangling. You and Mick have different objectives. He wants romance; you want only friendship. It's time for you both to widen your circle of friends.

It isn't necessary to tell Mick that he's "repulsive" or that the next time he makes a move on you, you'll deck him. However, the sooner you tell him plainly that you consider him your best friend -- but nothing more -- and the "chemistry" isn't there for you, the better off you'll both be. Believe me, it's a lot kinder than stringing him along for company.

DEAR ABBY: Please let me know the appropriate way to inform my family and friends that my wedding has been canceled. How many details do I have to provide? What if my fiance, who is a publicist, has posted a lengthy and one-sided account of what has happened? -- FORMER BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR FORMER BRIDE-TO-BE: You do not have to provide any painful details to anyone. Write a short note to your family and friends. All you need to say is "Dear ( ), This is to inform you that 'John's' and my wedding has been canceled. Condolences are not in order -- it was by mutual consent. Love, ( )"

If your former fiance has actually had the bad taste to post an account of why the wedding is off, I cannot stress emphatically enough that he's no gentleman, and you're lucky to be rid of him. Do not sink to his level.

DEAR ABBY: There seems to be an awful lot of women exposing themselves on the Internet in graphic sexual fashion. My wife says that men degrade themselves by looking at them.

My question to you is, what is more degrading? Looking at them, or women exposing themselves? -- WONDERING IN PUYALLUP, WASH.

DEAR WONDERING: For a woman to post graphic sexual images for people she doesn't know to view strikes me as more degrading because it indicates that she thinks she has little else to offer.

However, for a married man to view those images could also be considered degrading -- and threatening -- to his wife. Many women have written to me because their husbands spend more time looking at porn on the Internet than having a sex life in their own bedroom. In other words, the practice became an addiction.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600