DEAR ABBY: I married a man with two adult children. When I met him, "Jerry" was a single father whose ex-wife had died soon after their divorce.

I have two small children who live with us. Jerry has been a wonderful husband and stepfather. When we married years ago, we both owned our own homes. We jointly decided to rent mine and live in his.

Whenever we go away on a vacation, his children use our home without asking. There have been parties, complaints from neighbors, our house left in disarray, and "friends" I don't know sleeping in my children's beds. In the past, Jerry tolerated this behavior.

Now that my children and I live here, I asked my husband to talk to his children about this. He did, and things have toned down, but they haven't stopped.

It bothers me that they use our home when we're not here. I feel it's an invasion of privacy, lack of respect and a risk. Jerry feels it's their home, too, and he's reluctant to be firm with them. I don't think they or their friends should be here when we're gone. Am I out of line? -- HOME INVASION IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HOME INVASION: No, I agree with you. Circumstances have changed since your husband's children lived there, and your feelings need to be considered.

It is no longer "their" house. Throwing wild parties, inviting strangers to use the beds and leaving the place in disarray is disrespectful to both you and their father, and should not be tolerated. Your husband's reluctance to make this clear may have to do with lingering guilt over his divorce from their mother, but it's time for him to step up, do what's right and draw the line.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in the eighth grade, and I have crushes on two boys. One is in 11th grade and the other is a senior.

The boy in 11th grade treats me like a queen, and I don't exactly like that. On the other hand, the senior treats me like I'm nothing, and I really like him.

My friends think I should be with the one who's in 11th grade. What do you think? -- HARRISBURG, PA., TEEN

DEAR TEEN: I think you have confused the excitement of a "challenge" with a real relationship. Before you begin dating anyone, it's important that you figure out exactly what it is about being treated well that turns you off, and why you're attracted to someone who is even mildly abusive. The sooner you do that the better, because you'll save yourself a world of disappointment and pain.

PS: Right now, I think both of those boys are too old for you.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Our divorced daughter has been dating "Brian," a man she met online, for a little over a year. My husband and I are concerned about the behavior of our 13-year-old granddaughter, "Lolita," toward him. Lolita is naive in many ways and unaware of the pitfalls she may encounter. She's constantly sitting on Brian's lap, hugging him, or talking to him in very close proximity.

We feel that our daughter should have a talk with Lolita and explain that a "young woman" who is rapidly developing should not act this way with a man who is not her father. Failing that, we feel that, as the adult, Brian should discourage it -- which we haven't seen him do.

On a trip to the beach a few months ago, their "play" in the ocean looked more like a couple than a girl with a potential stepdad.

Our daughter also has an 8-year-old girl to whom Brian does not show the same kind of attention. I don't want to make unwarranted accusations about something that may be entirely innocent. It could seriously jeopardize our relationship with our daughter. Do we have a valid concern, or are we just two Puritanical old fogies? -- FEELING UNEASY IN FLORIDA

DEAR FEELING UNEASY: It would be interesting to know how involved in your granddaughters' lives their father has been. If the answer is "Not very," then it's possible that Lolita is trying to elicit from Brian the kind of affection she has craved from her dad. She may not realize that boundaries are being crossed unless it's explained to her. Because what you saw aroused your concern, you should certainly mention it to your daughter, and urge her to have "that talk" with Lolita.

It concerns me that Brian does not treat both of your granddaughters equally. He may be flattered by the attention he receives from Lolita. Or, he could be flirting with her with an eye to molesting her. Not knowing Brian or his background, I can't predict what might or might not happen. Has it occurred to you to Google him or check the state sex offender Web site? If you haven't, your daughter should.

DEAR ABBY: I have a feeling that my girlfriend of one year, "Wanda," may be trying to manipulate our relationship in a way that I don't get to spend time with my friends, my ex and our kids. When I try to spend time with them, Wanda either gets sick or some terrible situation happens.

She has told me many times that she is a jealous person. I have backed off spending time with all the other people in my life, and now she's hanging out with her girlfriends, saying that because I work nights -- and she works days -- that she "can't just sit at home." She also says that when I'm off I should want to spend all my free time with her.

I was thinking about asking her to marry me, but now I feel cold feet approaching. What should I do? -- BEEN HERE BEFORE IN MISSOURI

DEAR BEEN HERE BEFORE: You appear to be a young man with good sense -- including your sixth. Jealousy and an attempt to manipulate are often signs of insecurity. Trying to quell your girlfriend's insecurity by isolating yourself won't make her less jealous because jealousy and insecurity are insatiable. Unless your girlfriend is willing to accept that she has a problem and get some counseling, my advice is to pay attention to those cold feet and keep walking.

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DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Considering It in San Mateo" (Nov. 26), who asked you if it was permissible to have an affair because his wife of 34 years no longer wanted to have sex, was good, but you missed a couple of important points.

How is that man's hygiene? Does he bathe every day? Is he kind, loving and considerate of his wife during the day? Are her hormones imbalanced? Is she depressed or anemic?

Before "Considering It" goes jumping at another opportunity, he might want to consider showing affection and concern to the woman who has been with him for so long. -- BETSY IN HOUSTON

DEAR BETSY: Some readers scolded me for my response to that letter, not realizing that part of my reply was tongue-in-cheek. (No, I do NOT advocate adultery.) Others felt I didn't go far enough in my reply. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Has "Considering It" done anything to ensure that his wife is well both physically and mentally? Could her lack of interest in sex be linked to depression, post-menopausal hormone imbalance or another physical condition?

In a loving way he should urge her to see her physician and her gynecologist. If she refuses, he should contact them and ask for advice or help. He should also take a long, hard look at how he presents himself.

Finally, he might speak with a counselor, because lack of sexual activity can signal problems elsewhere in their relationship. Marriages take work -- even those that have lasted 34 years. -- SUSAN IN NEW WINDSOR, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I am a nurse-practitioner, and for years I have heard women in their 40s and 50s complain about loss of libido. In our area, a group of gynecologists has begun offering bioidentical hormone replacement. This term refers to hormones that are exactly the same in structure and function as those produced by the human body.

My husband had also quoted the article regarding "having regular sex would improve your health." Do these men really think we are happy with symptoms like hot flashes, fatigue, weight gain, etc.? When I started experiencing symptoms similar to your reader's wife, I decided to see for myself. It has been several months since I started bioidentical hormone treatment, and things have improved considerably. -- SMILING IN MIDDLETOWN, DEL.

DEAR ABBY: The writer's wife may have a medical condition such as high cholesterol or high blood pressure, requiring medication that decreases libido. She could be depressed, which affects interest in sex. Menopause can also cause significantly reduced sex drive. Some hormone replacement medicines may help with this. These conditions can be evaluated and treated by her doctor or OB/GYN.

The man should also evaluate the way he treats his wife. Men often remind their wives that they desire sex, but forget that women need romance and stimulation. Perhaps he should try a different approach?

Before stepping out of the marriage, with or without her permission, he should consider these possibilities. Infidelity is destructive for the family and personal psyche. -- NURSE-PRACTITIONER, NEWBERRY, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: There are some great medications on the market for women with low or no libido. My husband suggested it to me -- very nicely -- and I promised to check it out. I did, and, oh my goodness, we're acting like teenagers again! -- ONE HOT OLD LADY, AND I DON'T MEAN HOT FLASHES, GLENDALE, ARIZ.

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