DEAR ABBY: I have four beautiful children. I have tried to raise them to appreciate the importance of family and understand that love is the most important thing of all.

My problem is my youngest daughter, "Samantha," who is 24. She's divorced with two boys, ages 5 and 15 months. She lives at home with me and my husband, which is not an issue. What does bother me is that she flies off the handle and yells and screams about anything and everything. She doesn't get that trait from me. She learned it from her father.

I know my daughter loves her children, but she is showing less and less patience with them. I have tried to help her overcome this problem, but so far nothing has worked. She is hollering more than ever. I think she functions better when she is working full time, rather than being a stay-at-home mom.

My husband and I worry about Samantha and the kids, but we would also like to have more harmony, peace and quiet around here. I realize that counseling might help her, but we can't afford it. Have you any other options? -- NEVADA MOM AND GRANDMA

DEAR NEVADA MOM: While it may be unrealistic for you to expect peace and quiet in a household with two active boys under the age of 6, your daughter is only fueling the fire by losing control and yelling and screaming.

Children learn by example, and my concern is that she may be perpetuating the same destructive habits she learned from her father and teaching her sons unacceptable behavior.

Your daughter may be frustrated because she feels trapped in her role as a stay-at-home mother and could possibly benefit by allowing herself some time for herself. As I say in my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," "Having one's freedom of movement restricted, or feeling 'tied down,' often makes one angry." The first step in dealing with one's anger is to recognize that you are getting angry BEFORE you lose control and express the anger inappropriately.

My anger booklet can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. If your daughter is willing to read my booklet, it should give her some helpful insight into the cause of her anger and some tools for coping with it.

DEAR ABBY: We are throwing our dad a surprise party for his 60th birthday. Instead of gifts for our dad, my sisters and I would like to have the gifts go to charity. How would we word that on the invitations? -- MARGARET IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MARGARET: Include in the invitation a note that says: "The gift of your presence will be present enough for Dad. However, if you feel you must give something, then a donation to ( ) in his honor would be appreciated."

DEAR ABBY: To be honest with you, if I had a gun, I could shoot either myself or my ex-boyfriend. I was in love with him from the first day we met. We talked about everything in life and also about our relationship. Now he says he's "not ready" for a relationship!

I don't understand men. Don't they know that we have hearts? How could he just wake up one morning and make a decision without considering my feelings or how it will affect me?

Abby, I have a child, and my breasts are not that attractive. I even told him I would go under the knife to make them just the way he wants them. Now I'm left wondering if I should still go for the surgery so maybe he'll be attracted to me again and come back. I can't bear the idea that maybe he has found someone else who is more attractive.

I need your help because sometimes I feel so much hate for him that I feel like getting revenge and doing something to him so no woman will ever be attracted to him anymore, and he'll feel what I'm feeling now. I will wait upon your answer so I'll know what to do next. -- RAGING IN DUBAI

DEAR RAGING: The first thing you must do is calm yourself. Do nothing until your anger subsides and you are again thinking clearly -- which you aren't right now.

I know you are hurting, and your disappointment and anger are palpable, but you have something far more important to consider than "getting revenge," and that is the welfare of your child. How would your actions affect your child?

A man who would criticize your breasts was not truly interested in you -- the person attached to them. Having plastic surgery in the hope that a man who rejected you will return is the wrong reason for having it done. You could have breasts like the Venus de Milo, and it wouldn't win the heart of a man who simply craves variety.

I am not familiar with the mental health services that are available in Dubai. If you lived in the United States, I would urge you to talk to a psychologist because I feel strongly that you have underlying issues that predate the experience you have described in your letter. If that is not possible, then please talk to some older women you can trust so they can share their wisdom with you. You are in my prayers.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law lives alone, but comes to our house every day to eat lunch and dinner. She has a son who lives in the same town as my wife and me, but she never goes to his house.

My wife doesn't like this arrangement either, but she doesn't know how to tactfully tell her mother to stay away once in a while. We're both in our late 40s; her mother is 82. We would like to spend some time alone.

When I say my mother-in-law is here every day, I mean EVERY DAY! Please tell me if this is normal, and how we can tell her we need some alone time. -- PAUL IN VIRGINIA

DEAR PAUL: No, it is not "normal." You have described a woman who appears to be isolated and friendless. Could she also have money problems or a physical disability that prevents her from shopping and preparing her own meals?

If you and your wife would like some time alone, then you both are going to have to find the backbone to say so. And, if necessary, you or your wife should prepare a dish that her mother can eat in her own home.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Bailey," will be 4 soon, and will be having a birthday party. We have been to a few of Bailey's friends' birthday parties, and present-opening turns into chaos. The birthday child doesn't have a chance to really look at the gifts, other children crowd closer and closer to the present-opener to get a better look, and some children cry about the gifts the birthday child has received while their parents promise to buy them a "better one" on their next outing.

I make sure my daughter is well-behaved when it comes to present-opening, but not all parents seem to feel the need to curb this behavior on the part of their children. Would it be acceptable to wait to open Bailey's presents until after the guests have left? -- WANTS TO BE A COURTEOUS HOSTESS

DEAR WANTS TO BE COURTEOUS: Children learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not because their parents take the time to explain to them what is expected, and correct them when they make a mistake. The parents you have described were either too ignorant or too lazy to do their job.

Although some "birthday mommies" provide gift bags or party favors for all the children to unwrap, most people consider the present-opening ritual to be part of the fun of the birthday celebration and expect it.

A better solution would be to hold smaller birthday parties for your daughter so things don't get out of hand. According to the chapter "Table and Party Manners" in "Emily Post's Etiquette": "One guest should be invited for each year of a child's age, plus one."

DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law, "Daisy," is a reckless driver who lives in a large metropolitan area surrounded by expressways. She tailgates, weaves in and out of traffic and passes cars at high speeds, often using her cell phone while driving.

Daisy has had several tickets. Despite this and pleas from my son and others to slow down, nothing has changed. I find this odd, because Daisy is otherwise a responsible person -- an executive with a large company, an excellent mother and a loving wife. However, she appears to have a blind spot about the risks she takes when she's behind the wheel. She justifies her speed as necessary in order to keep up with the demands of her schedule.

She would be grief-stricken if she had an accident that involved anyone, especially her infant daughter who is often in the car. Will the only wake-up call come in the form of a serious accident? -- DISTRESSED PAPA IN MAINE

DEAR DISTRESSED PAPA: Probably -- that or a near miss. However, I view your daughter-in-law in a different light than you appear to. A mother who drives aggressively with a child in the car and talking on her cell phone does not strike me as Mother of the Year. Studies have shown that drivers on cell phones are as impaired as those who have been drinking. She's being childish, selfish, foolish and irresponsible and should be ashamed of herself.

DEAR READERS: Today we remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who was martyred in the cause of civil rights in 1968. His words ring as true today as when he first uttered them: "Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate." He was a voice of reason in a time of insanity, silenced too soon.

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