DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been going round and round about nursing homes. My father's illness and memory loss have brought us face-to-face with the issue. This dilemma is not for those families who can afford to pay for someone to care for a patient in his or her own home. Nor does it apply to those who can afford an assisted-living facility.

When is it the "best-case scenario" for someone's continued care to be provided by a nursing home? Or should the parent be allowed to remain at home despite the consequences? Is it more compassionate to prolong his or her life in an environment that he or she would never have chosen or agreed to, or is it irresponsible to honor his or her wishes to live alone, with limited assistance, even though it may lead to an early death?

My father's care is far too complex and time-consuming for me or any other family member to take on in our own homes.

Your advice would be welcomed in making this complicated and emotional decision. -- DISTRESSED DAUGHTER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DAUGHTER: The decision you're facing is a wrenching one, and you have my sympathy. The question you must answer is, is your parent aware enough of his surroundings that he even knows where he is?

Has he reached the point that he could wander and be unable to find his way home? Is he getting enough to eat? Can he bathe himself, or does he need assistance with hygiene and dressing? Is there family close enough to check on him in case he falls? If there was a fire, would he know what to do?

These are scenarios in which your father should not be living alone. If he has become so demented that he is a danger to himself, then sad as it may be, you must listen to your conscience and understand that past promises no longer apply.

DEAR ABBY: After giving my wife of 10 years a divorce at her request, she continues to contact me. She'll call about little things like what color to paint the house, things that are going on at work, or who she went dancing with. Why is she doing this? -- ALREADY MOVED ON

DEAR ALREADY MOVED ON: Because on some level, although she requested the divorce, she's unable to completely let go. Or, she fantasizes that you're actually interested in the things she's talking about. If her calls are an imposition, why don't you tell her so and put an end to the conversation?

DEAR ABBY: I'm a male, in my second year of high school. I'm interested in joining a club at school called the Gay Straight Alliance. The purpose of this club is to end prejudice against gays, lesbians and bisexual people. The club tries to show the community that gays are people, too, and that they don't deserve to be ridiculed and disrespected.

My parents oppose my wanting to join. They told me that because they do not support gay rights, I shouldn't either. My father even threatened to write the school board to keep me from joining the club. The school board must abide by his wishes if he writes them to do so. While I understand my parents' lack of support and do not expect it, would my father's actions be appropriate? -- STRAIGHT BUT NOT NARROW

DEAR STRAIGHT BUT NOT NARROW: Not in my book. But he has done something right. He has raised a son with the intellect and backbone not only to think for himself, but also to speak out. It would be wonderful if you could educate your father, but don't count on being able to do so.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old single mother of a 1-year-old son. My boyfriend wants to change my life. He wants me to delete all my friends and family from my cell phone and says I can see my family only once a month. (I am very family-oriented.) My boyfriend thinks that because I go and see my parents and sisters a lot that I don't "put him first."

I don't know what to do, because my son comes first. I understand the concept that once you find your true love, you move in with him and you're supposed to be happy. But he's never happy. He always finds something to argue about.

I work from 5 a.m. to 3 p.m., come home, take care of my son, clean the house, cook dinner and clean up afterward. I am at my wits' end trying to do everything and be a good mother and girlfriend. He loves my son, but he never offers to help me with bills or anything. He never buys me anything, only stuff for himself or my son.

I'm so confused right now, I don't know what to think. Please give me some advice. -- UNCERTAIN IN OHIO

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Gladly. Do NOT allow your boyfriend to limit your telephone contact or visits with friends and family. This is a classic sign of an abuser, and so is constantly picking arguments. You appear to be doing everything in this relationship -- cooking, cleaning, paying the bills. What exactly is he contributing?

A healthy relationship is a partnership in which both members pull their own weight. Unless your boyfriend is prepared to make some serious changes, you should move back with your family.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Felicia," is 33 and still lives at home with her father and me. She's a wonderful person, has a great job and contributes to the house. Her father and I love Felicia and are very proud of her. However, we both feel that she needs her own place.

Every time we bring it up, Felicia says she would like to live here until she marries. Her dad and I have been married for 37 years, but we would like our privacy. What do you think? -- IMPATIENT MOM IN CHICAGO

DEAR IMPATIENT MOM: I think you have been more than patient. The time has come for you and your husband to tell your fledgling she needs a nest of her own. Help her to find one, and do not allow her to stall any longer. You will be doing all three of you a favor.

DEAR ABBY: I love my mother. She and I go out to eat frequently. My problem is she sometimes makes loud comments about people who are seated near enough that they can hear her. I have seen some of them look at us after some of her comments.

Today she did it again, and I asked her either not to talk about the people loudly, or to do it after we leave the restaurant. She replied that she was not talking in that loud a voice, and now she's mad at me and not speaking to me. Was I wrong to ask her to lower her voice? -- UPSET IN UTAH

DEAR UPSET: No. Your mother may have been embarrassed that you corrected her in public. She may also be in denial about the fact that she's suffering from some degree of hearing loss. You were right to tell her that she was being overheard. You would be doing her a favor to insist that she have her hearing checked by an audiologist -- if only to prove you're "wrong."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'll be brief. I am in love with a woman who has multiple personality disorder. My friends tell me I'm a fool for falling in love with such a woman.

I love her with all my heart and soul. I know I have a lot to handle, but my love for her is strong, and I know we can prevail. What do you think? -- TRUE LOVE TEXAN

DEAR TEXAN: I'll be brief. I think you had better be absolutely certain that you love every facet of her splintered personality before any or all of you make a lifelong commitment.

DEAR ABBY: Have I committed a social error? The 97-year-old mother of an in-law of ours died recently. The family asked that memorials be sent to the local hospice in her memory. I sent a sizable check, but because we loved her like our own mother, I wanted also to send flowers.

I went to our florist and personally selected a beautiful vase that I thought the daughter could keep, and had it filled with flowers.

After the funeral service, as I walked by the casket, the daughter said to me, "Mother wanted memorials made to hospice." (Right! "Mother" was so out of it for several months that she didn't even know she was under hospice care.)

I spent a lot of money on that funeral and don't regret it. But why did the daughter make me feel so bad? She lashed out at me for doing something out of love for her and her mother. When we left the church the flowers were sitting there with our card still attached. Obviously, they didn't want them or the vase, so I brought them home to enjoy and will give the vase to one of my daughters.

Should I say anything, or should I consider the source? -- DONNA IN AKRON, OHIO

DEAR DONNA: You should consider the circumstances. People who are grieving are not usually at their best or most gracious. The daughter may have been under the impression that the family's wishes had been ignored, and you had sent flowers instead of donating to the group that had helped and supported them and their mother during that critical time.

If the daughter hasn't already been notified about your generous gift (most organizations do inform the family of the deceased about donations received in their loved one's memory), I see nothing wrong with straightening out the misunderstanding. But do it gently and without anger.

DEAR ABBY: I recently let a friend borrow a bracelet of mine. I left it at her house and asked that she return it the next time we saw each other. That was Sunday morning, and I even called ahead of time to make sure she remembered. When we met, she told me she had forgotten to bring it.

A few days later I was at her house again. When she gave me the bracelet, it had been completely destroyed by her cat. She apologized and said she'd replace it. I said it was OK, and then asked if she would really buy me a new one. "No," she replied, "my cat did it, not me." I decided not to push the issue. The bracelet wasn't too expensive, but I feel I deserve some sort of payment because the cat didn't know any better. What should I do? -- AT A LOSS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR AT A LOSS: The bracelet may not have been "too expensive," but chalk this up as a valuable lesson. Your "friend" is irresponsible and not entirely truthful. Unless you're willing to risk losing what you lend her, refrain from making that mistake again.

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